Water Owl's Boons

A farewell pose

2009-04-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

Hello,
I should have left a note at the door or something.

I stopped blogging in September. My first service dog Hermione was on her way to retiring. I knew it and it loomed large and it was completely unbloggable mostly because I didn't want her puppyraisers to find about it other than the CCI approved way since I certainly didn't know what to say.

All is copasetic. Hermione's living with her puppyraisers as their pet and having a wonderful time. I have a successor service dog named Tovi who's just fab. I could have blogged this back in February when it all happened.

But I just didn't feel like it. I'd start a post and then never post it. I got an email from Blog Her ads that they were closing my account. I'm sad about it, because it represents a departure from the momblogger community if I ever belonged, but not sad enough to post.

But I held an Oscar at my daughter's school district fundraisers. Just briefly because it's really heavy. In our group photo, Tovi's gazing right at the Oscar like she knows she won it. She certainly has won the Oscar for Best Performance by an Assistance Dog.

Several months later...(I can be a slow thinker) and I realize what's happened. My daughter's learning to read precipitated the end of this blog. My daughter's extremely kind, but until I became a mother, I myself didn't understand how hard it is and how fiercely I love my children.

I don't regret anything I've written, because it was my truth at the time. I do regret hurting anyone's feelings, because that was never my intention. A blog also has the unique capacity to capture one's feeling and thoughts at moment in time, but freeze them as if they were forever.

And so I say farewell to you on this blog. Thank you for all your comments. Most of you have been very sweet. Of course I'll be elsewhere on the Internet. I've been online since the mid 80's and am too stuck in my ways to stop now.

You can also read my essays "Gimp Geek" in the anthology She's Such a Geek and "Popeye" in My Baby Rides the Short Bus appearing this winter.

Pokemon resolves my daughter's gender issues

2008-09-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

My daughter started first grade three weeks ago. She now has a female classmate who also loves Pokemon. Since that time I've heard not one peep about her being uncomfortable about being a girl.

Political commentary from my six year daughter

2008-09-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

My daughter watches political ads with me and hears us talk and here's her political commentary. I find it both amusing and insightful.

"Obama is too famous." (she says this one over and over) "I don't want to vote for a president who's too famous."

"I want a president who will protect the environment. Why do you say that McCain won't protect the environment He says he cares about the environment?"

"McCain wants to reduce spending."

As you might be able to tell from these remarks, she's a McCain supporter. She's disappointed she can't vote. McCain had some appeal as a moderate Republican (particularly in his trade policy) for me until he brought on Palin ("I can see Russia from my window".)

I feel perhaps weird saying this as feminist, but I can't get over how strange and artificial her appearance is which is matched by her lies about her records. She supported the bridge to nowhere until she didn't. As apparently, she did a decent job of reducing earmarks in Alaska. Why lie about her record unless it's a cheap ploy to get folks to attack her and then she can say that she's being attacked for being a woman?

My daughter wants to be a boy

2008-08-12T20:28:00.001-07:00

My 6 year-old daughter says "I want to be a boy. She says "I don't fit in the gender" for the following reasons:

Doesn't like pink and purple and likes black
Likes rock
Doesn't like Barbie
Likes Pokemon
Likes video games
Hates princesses

Please give her examples of girls like her. Thanks! LOL

She forgets all the sterotypical girl thing she likes such as art, writing notes, gymnastics, flowers, and reading books about fairies and pound puppies.
I know there are some kids who are genuinely questioning their gender. I think my daughter is more stuck in gender stereotypes which is fairly typical for a six-year old.

TV my drug of choice

2008-07-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

I confess tv is my drug of choice when life is stressful. When things are bad with Little T, I watch a lot of tv. In the hospital, at home holding him being human pillow, I watched a lot of tv. When life gets too overwhelming and talking about it just won't help, I watch tv. Being a Silicon Valley mom, I have a Tivo, so I only watch tv of my choice. The tv my kids watch is always educational.

As drugs go, tv is wonderful, the best. It lets you forget about life for a while. It relaxes you. It produces a trance like state similar to that found in a good narcotic. Then you can turn the thing off,and except for perhaps wasting some time, there are no side effects. And you might even learn something.

The righteous parents who decry how tv rots children's brains must have forgotten how much tv they watched as kids. The studies that show kids IQs dropping or speech delays with a few hours of tv a week seem extremely flawed to me. They are often based on self-reported data. Sure if you sit your child in front of the tv all damn day, their brain will rot. Not necessarily because of the tv watching, but because kids need stimulation besides tv.

Or maybe the parents of kids with problems sit them in front of tv because they don't know what else to do with them. These parents will probably not admit in a survey that their child watches tv all day. Instead they'll respond 'a few hours a week' like the rest of us.

Both my children watch tv as part of a balanced diet of activities. Special K also eats treats as part of a balanced diet of food. I feel sorry for those kids who never get to watch tv. I regard them the same as the child who never got to eat anything sweet growing up. She was always sneaking candy, because it was this forbidden treat. Once your kids go to school, you can not escape tv or sweet things, so you may as well teach your kids to be responsible consumers.

We don't watch commercials, though sometimes we zip by them. I've told my daughter how ads make things frequently look better than they are and people are trying to sell things. She notices ads all the time anyway. Ads are not restricted to the tv. Step outside and billboards are everywhere. Another silly argument for avoiding tv, shot down.

The Tivo saved my breastfeeding. Sure breastfeeding is magical for five minutes, but then your baby breastfeeds for another fifteen to twenty minutes. I had limits to how long I could stare at my baby's guzzling mouth and the back of my baby's head.

The Baby Einstein video or any video has allowed me to regain my sanity during the midafternoon crazies when the kids are getting way too punchy and I'm too tired to wind them down myself. The alternative is me yelling at them or putting them screaming in their crib or bed. Instant calm. We all relax.

I'm not saying hand over the remote control to your toddler and let her watch hours of tv unsupervised, but this parent is really tired of reading about how tv or any technology is the cause of a host of ills and therefore should be avoided. Cars accidents are a leading cause of death for children. Nonetheless I drive my children in cars everyday. No one suggests banning children from cars.

I believe my job as a parent is to use technology responsibly. I use tv like any other parenting tool I have. I have no problems with tv rating systems. I do have a problem with parents who expect the rating system to supervise their children when they use tv instead of themselves and then make it harder for me to have access to tv. Unlike a movie on the big screen, it costs nothing but time to watch a tv show.

I personally have watched every show my kids have watched, not every episode, but every show. I plan to do this until my kids are old enough to be saavy media consumers. I don't think any rating system can tell me what my child finds scary or disturbing. My daughter doesn't find hospitals at all scary, so any medical drama is fine. However arguing is scary to her, so Cinderella is scary.

If I had to do slogans for tv education, it would go like this: "TV's a powerful and useful drug, so please watch it responsibly."

A healthy birth is not a US birthright

2008-07-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

I read a post that made me cry. It was about a child that died. But what stunned me and made me feel both sad and angry was the fact the post implied that babies are safe in the US. Unfortunately according to a CNN headline, the The U.S. has second worst newborn death rate in modern world.

My baby was almost one of the newborns that died. It took three hours to stabilize him, then he was whisked away to another hospital. My husband frantically followed the ambulance in our car. As I sat bereft in my maternity room, a doctor called and told me "We have to operate on him to save his life." and "He probably won't make it."

My son has faced death several times since then and survived. I'm very thankful and I feel I must whisper this lest I jinx anything. --I start 2007 for the first time not worried he might die.

Like many newborns, a contributing cause of his problems was inadequate prenatal health care. A simple prenatal ultrasound done at any point in the second trimester would have shown there was a problem. And a vaginal birth was nearly impossible. His left arm had a massive tumor of 24 cm. Larger than the usual cervix dilation of 10cm. No one knew until his arm got stuck as he was born, and he was deprived of oxgyen for three minutes. In addition the strain of being squeezed during birth exacerbated his condition of low platelets and red blood cells. He was completely depleted of clotting factors by the time he emerged and almost died at birth.

For a time I was very angry about this but at least in my case I realised that no one would have expected me to carry this child to term. He with a blood tumor and me with a blood condition where half of my blood cells are smaller than others. It's a miracle. So much of pregnancy is still unknown.

But when I tell women from other industrialized countries about the lack of ultrasound, they're horrified. Most routinely offer two ultrasounds - one at about 13 weeks, and another at 20 weeks to look for physical abnormalities. At 13 weeks, my son's tumor was too small. At 20 weeks, his left arm would have been visibly deformed.

We have good insurance. My husband is a software engineer. If my family was like millions of Americans, and my husband had the typical 80-20 insurance or no insurance, the costs of our son's medical care would have bankrupted our family, even with my husband's relatively high income. The billed costs (not the costs the insurance paid) for my son's medical care are over a million dollars and are still ongoing. He visits a specialist about once a month (down from 5-6 a month). Billed cost:$300-500. The insurance pays about $60 a visit.

However the insurance company pays for very little of his care, because a dirty little secret is that while HMOs whine about the high cost of health care, they don't actually pay for their most expensive patients. For very expensive patients like my son, the HMO has secondary insurance that pays for all of his care.

But we're the lucky ones. The number one reason for bankruptcy is medical bills. The Washington Post states,"Most of the medically bankrupt were middle-class homeowners who had been to college and had responsible jobs -- until illness struck."

Before my daughter was born, I had this naive idea that "babies don't die anymore". Unexamined, but I suppose due to our advanced health care. Now I know several children who died as newborns. In fact two babies died while my son was in the NICU.

In all these cases, except one, there was a failure of our medical system. In all the cases I know about, the mom desperately tried and failed to get the help she needed. But due to bureaucratic problems designed to "save hospitals money" or lack of insurance, the mother didn't get the medical help she needed in time. I dunno if getting help earlier would have prevented the baby's death. I'm not a doctor. I do know it caused the mom a great deal of unnecessary anguish.

In my darkest moments I can imagine what it feels like to experience the loss of a child. But my experience was like gazing down at a huge abyss versus falling into it.

But I can't imagine what life is like for the millions of expectant mothers who don't have insurance and literally can't afford to get adequate prenatal care. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a child born with serious health problems and have to worry about money to pay for it all. I can't imagine the anguish of wondering if my child would be healthier if only I had scraped enough money to go to the doctor earlier. I can't imagine having to go into bankruptcy to pay for my family's medical bills.

We have the latest and greatest neonatal intensive care, but do so little for most pregnant mothers.

I'm thankful for the good birth, the healthy birth I had with my older daughter. My daughter had jaundice, a common problem. For most babies, jaundice is resolved easily if treated quickly. In this country getting quick treatment for jaundice is a privilege I have due to my relative wealth, the fact that our family has health insurance unlike 13.4 of pregnant women. Furthermore, this March of Dimes article says the income thresholds for infants are often higher than for moms, so moms are denied health insurance as soon as their babies are born.

Our health system is the most expensive in the world and it is the worst in providing basic health coverage. It ends up costing a lot more, because an ounce of prevention often costs a lot less than treating something after the fact. The US spends billions of dollars treating NICU babies. I wonder how many are there simply because the mom wasn't treated adequately during her pregnancy. It all makes me cry when I think about that. It also makes me very angry.

I'm definitely not a socialist. I believe in the free market. However I also believe a few things are public goods. For example most people accept the idea that everyone is entitled to a free education through high school, because it's a public good. Everyone is worse off if education isn't provided to everyone. I don't understand why unlike the rest of the industrialized world, people in the US don't feel that health care is also a public good. This country does accept health care is good for senior citizens and children in very low income families.

I originally wrote "Will it take a national health crisis before the country wakes up?" Then sadly I realized we already have one. The rate of premature births is rapidly rising. 1 in 8 babies are born prematurely. No one knows why. Based on my experience, I'd have to say a contributing cause is inadequate prenatal care, even for women who have insurance.

I read recently that Assemblywoman Sally Lieber (sadly a representative of my town) and a Democrat wants to ban spanking. Meanwhile our Republican governator is proposing state health insurance. I will not vote for Sally Lieber ever again although I have voted for her every single time she ran for office and I could cast a vote. Before this proposal I would never have voted for Arnie. However I will if he gets this though.

The NY Times and Bittman meets cutting back meat

2008-06-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

Jed blogged about cutting back on meat. Like him I don't eat red meat. Unfortunately I didn't find Mark Bittman's article "Putting Meat back in its place" to be at all helpful for my needs though others may find it useful. Unlike Jed, I have seen plenty of articles that address cutting back on meat or becoming more vegetarian while on briefly touching on the reasons. Jed says the reasons aren't addressed, but they are briefly mentioned. The vegetarian and sustainable and slow food movements are quite diverse. What is relatively rare about this article is it's in the NY Times. We have arrived.

I don't remember if Jed was a vegetarian, but I was actually an ovo vegetarian and a little pesco for four years. I gave it up because some of my red blood cells are smaller than others, a Burmese variation of Thalassemia (I tested negative for the known Thalassemia genes, but my blood cells are clinically different) and I became anemic. It is possible to get all one's protein and iron from a vegetarian meal, but it's harder and frankly I didn't always have time.

One of the ways Bittman's article didn't help is that living in Mountain View, I do eat out at a lot of Asian restaurants. I dunno where he eats where the food doesn't revolve around meat. It's not in any down home Asian restaurant I know. I can't help but think he only eats in fusion Asian restaurants.

Also his tips are based on the premise how to stop eating a meal that revolves around meat. Because I was a vegetarian, my life doesn't revolve around meat. I feel satisfied with a meal that contains entirely vegetarian ingredients. For example one of my favorite lunches is Trader Joe's Eggplant Parmesan. I also typically eat a vegetarian breakfast, though more for convenience. However at some point I need to eat a meal with a complete protein source and iron. I find most types of beans difficult to digest, except for soy. I really like soy if prepared properly but so many people can't cook tofu properly and it tests rubbery and horrid. So that leaves chicken and pork for me.

I focus more on I buy food on buying from the farmers' market if I can and organic. I have not done the calculations of the amount of waste and pollution the pork we buy from the farmers' market generates versus a factory farmed vegetable from Safeway. I do also eat out and the food probably comes from sources I would not buy from. But as Bittman says it's about creating a lifestyle you can maintain.

My daughter's first long summer and she doesn't want to go to camp

2008-06-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

My daughter is "graduating" from Kindergarten on Wednesday and so will begin her first official summer. Sure she's had summer breaks in preschool, but I always signed her up for summer preschool. Before any type of school, she simply grew as the seasons passed and I needed to put her in slightly different clothes. For the first time, she has three months of no school aka summer.

My daughter has opted only to sign up for swim lessons half an hour a week for the entire summer, three days of camp at Happy Hollow and one week of gym camp. So far she's refused repeated offers of other camps and classes and the bay area offers a ton. I'm not sure whether to be pleased that she recognizes that acres of free time shrink smaller and smaller as one ages until they're reduced to a precious commodity, or that she simply can't comprehend how long a (relatively) hot summer can be. Her younger brother will be attending summer preschool part of the time, so it will be just me and her for some of the day.

On the other hand, my parents didn't provide me, the eldest of three with much summer activities except for Rainbow Summer, a camp held in the blazing hot 100 degree heat of the park. I fainted once from heat exhaustion and went back again the next day. At the time, I didn't appreciate it. And I'm sure from my mom's point of view, she heard constant cries of "I'm bored" But I did learn how to entertain myself for hours at a time. I played countless board games with my brother and read a lot.

The kids have a library within walking distance. Plus we have a Wii, a Tivo and a bookshelf of DVDs. I swore I wouldn't be one of those parents who bought a ton of DVDs and games for their kids, but somehow each slowly acreted. Okay Costco only sells them in bundles, but otherwise I'm not sure where all they came from.

Despite their wealth of toys, I still see the kids play the same games I used to like crawling around in boxes and making forts from blankets. And whoever claimed that kids are nature deprived hasn't seen my kids' rock and leaf collections that track dirt over the house.

Still, I wonder if this summer, I'll hear "I'm bored" whined just once too often and become one of those parents desperate to sign their kid up for a summer camp, any summer camp. I hope not, but I'll let you know.

Wi Fit party helps dystonia?

2008-05-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

Frankly before I went to the Wi Fit party, I regarded Wii Fit as a bit of joke. My husband showed me the Wii Fit parody. "Wii Fit...a little plastic thing you stand on" "Don't want to invest $3.19 for a hula hoop, why not pick up a Wii for just $300, and enjoy the same fun.. without that annoying plastic hoop?"

But hey, if Nintendo and City Mama offers me free food and drinks and a moms night out, I'm game..literally. I bought a Wii from going to her last Nintendo Wii party.

The party started out a bit nervously as the Nintendo folks demonstrated the body check. Okay they picked the skinniest mom in the room whose BMI was listed as underweight, but looking around, I thought few would volunteer for that part.

Then it was on to various "Balance Games" We started with the ball game. It sounds simple enough. You shift your weight around to tilt a surface and move a ball into a hole. Then you get more balls and more holes. I could see it would improve my balance, because I was concentrating on moving the ball rather than on what I was doing with my body. I did quite well in that game. Okay not greatest game ever, but considering that I was improving my balance, it was not a bad way to do it.

The Wii Fit also liked how I performed a yoga position. Now that was a joke, because due to my disability, dystonia, I kept jerking and the little bubble that showed your center of balance kept shifting. Still I got 3 out of 4 stars. I don't do much yoga in real life due to my jerking, and I don't think I'll be doing Wii Fit Yoga again.

I enjoyed more a silly game where you're a Mii (a Wii version of a person) dressed in a penguin suit and you're on a iceberg and balance from side to side and catch fish.

I also enjoyed Slalom where like in real life you have to shift your weight from side to side to move your skiis. I was atrocious and big red FAILED showed on the screen. For the ski long jump if you fail your Mii tumbles over and over in a big snowball.

I pondered whether the decision to keep the decidedly Japanese culture of winners and losers was a thought-out marketing decision, or simply a direct translation of the game from Japan as I watched women down Odwalla shots. Now Odwalla makes you feel good.

I decided to play a "Fitness game." or "Step on the white thing"
according to the parody. I know some geeks who use Dance Dance Revolution as exercise. As the parody suggests, it was far slower which is good for a klutz like me, but also far less interesting. The characters were all Miis and the music unvarying Ninetozak. If you've played Donkey Kong or any Mario game, you've heard this music a thousand times. I doubt I'd get up off the couch to step on the white thing.

I also glimpsed at the jogging game with its atrocious graphics, but I couldn't watch it for long. According to Beth, it takes your heartbeat, but so does a cheap heart monitor. Another mom commented "I hate annoying guy waving at you" [when you jog]

I still didn't like the hula hoop. I never could hula as a kid and the
game mechanics proved even more awkward than doing it with a real hoop.

Proper body balance improves health and longevity and I used to literally lose my balance and fall down. I now have a service dog who helps me with balance.

I got home and talked it over with my husband. He said the Wii Fi will be about $90. That's cheaper than a physical therapy appointment or a course at the chiropractor. If the Wii Fit does improve my balance, it will be worth it.

In terms of cardiovascular exercise, the Wii Fit pales in comparison to the shiny metal of standard gym equipment, but then so many Americans need to just move every day. Maybe moving on a white plastic thing as part of a game will help.

My Hermione matching story

2008-04-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

They didn't bring Hermione out to our class until the end of the second day which is the last day before prematches when they give you a dog they think you might graduate with. When they gave me her leash, I felt the calmest I had felt the entire Team Training. I'm not normally a nervous person, but Team Training was hard with no family the first week.

I also felt she was smart and like she could also be really sweet, although she was being her serious public self. I thought all the dogs had special qualities. But I was all worried about prematches. I hadn't seen Hermone's goofy playful side, so I was worried.

There were 3 folks coming back for successor dogs and they all seemed content to wait for their matches. I should have taken their cue.

The night before prematches I tossed and turned until 3am. Then I remembered how one of the trainers commented she liked how she said Hermione. I went to sleep and slept soundly the rest of the night.

The next day I walked in our class and snuck a peek at the crates that were there. Hermione's crate was there and I got a little excited.

The Skilled Companions went first. As some of the kids were matched their total joy made me cry. I laughed when they gave one mom the CCI cat dressed in a vest, because she had petted the cat the whole time.

Then it was my class' turn. I saw a black dog being brought out. Was that my dog? The trainer brought the dog down the hall and someone else in my service class was announced. The person looked thrilled. Another black dog that I thought was a great dog went to someone else. An enormous yellow dog went to someone. I thought he was a wonderful dog, but too big for my kids. Then I saw petite Hermione being led down the hall. I held my breath. There were still some folks left. They started leading Hermione over to me and announced Hermione's name and my name and I cried all over Hermione. Hermione wagged her tail. I was thrilled.

Knowing what I know now, Hermione was giving me her polite tail wag, not the entire wiggle butt I get every morning, but it was enough for me that day.

Hermione seemed polite but somewhat aloof that first day. Then on Valentine's day, we had our first night with the dogs. As soon as we got to our room, Hermione's tail started wagging. Then when I leaned down to turn on the tv, she rolled on her back exposing her tummy. I petted her and she thumped her tail.

However I still wasn't sure if Hermione really wanted to be with me. Final matches hadn't been announced yet and I took it a personal thing about my bonding with Hermione. My family was coming and I fretted about whether to kennel her for 36 hours while my family settled in or not. I decided to kennel her.

On Monday morning, I walked into the classroom and heard this loud thumping from Hermione's crate. We were supposed to have a lecture and then do command practice with the dogs. The thumping continued louder and louder. Finally the trainers said "Okay we'll let the dogs out first." Hermione wiggled out and wiggled her entire butt. I put her on her leash and she walked calmly over to the table and did a UNDER with this long satisfied sigh and settled down for a nap by my feet. Finally the clueless human got a clue bone.

As soon as we got home, she bounced around in excitement. My kids call her "maniac dog", because she can run like the wind. She is also still "chill dog" and "snooze dog"

Involution of mom

2008-03-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

C says he didn't give Little T aspirin on Sunday. One frigging day. It comforts him and makes me feel things are balanced by a hair.

I hope that he's bigger and stronger and won't need steroids this time and certainly not chemo.

Last night Special K was talking about Pokemon "involution" meaning evolution. Involution is the mysterious process by which the tumor starts shrinking again. I hope involution has started and its brief evolution or growth was just a day. That's never how it's worked. But then this tumor has never worked the way "it's supposed to". I've heard "it's not supposed to do that" so many times. Can't it work the way it's not supposed to and suddenly start involuting again with just going back to aspirin. You don't need steroids.

Little T understands much more this time. Far more than I probably know. He was extra snuggly this morning.

I just have to dump my fears and worries here and live in the present.

Red monster returns

2008-03-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

This morning Little T's teacher called and said that Little T's left arm was red swollen and felt hot. This teacher is always matter of fact and patient and delivered this news calmly but she called first thing.

I called Hematology and told his doctor the news. I said I'd bring him in if the teacher's description was correct. I hoped anyway that somehow it was Opposite day and the teacher was exaggerating. But no Little T had hot sausage arm. And was fussy in that way he has when arm hurts.

The Hemo doctor wanted to rule out a fracture and so his arm was x-rayed. I have never hoped for a fracture before but I did and knew it was futile. Bone structure is fine. Swelling looks like blood vessels. A pause as the doctor tries to hope too.

The swelling and redness looks all too horribly familiar. The start of Kasabach Merritt Syndrome again. It's too early to say for sure and nothing is being done. Well okay another MRA which means another round of anesthesia. Seeing him go under is a terror that never dulls.

But back to the Hemo clinic where now Little T can play the Ninetendo. Kinda. Hermione was there and was helpful. I want to whine that Hermione was supposed to make things better. My magical companion.

I said at the Hemo clinic "I have a bad feeling about this." I still do. I want desperately to be wrong...for once.

We take photos of his left arm. Another familiar thing which we will go back to doing everyday. New twist is now Little T hates it and protests.

I want to shout "Can't the kid grow and not have this red monster grow too?" I want to cry but I don't because that would confirm my worst fears.

So let's have it be Opposite Day where I'm wrong and everything will be just fine. I hold on to that hope.

And new thing. We will now all go for walk with Hermione. Maybe that will be the spell that will break the red monster's hold. His arm grows slightly cooler and I hope and then heats up again. Walk to cool down. A walking spell. A walking meditation. It's all I have new. That and cod liver oil imported from Norway which he asked for yesterday. It must be new and different. Not the same.

My new life with Hermione, my service dog

2008-03-11T08:37:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've not updated in so long. My whole life changed the day before Valentine's Day when I received my new partner service dog Hermione. She brings magic into my life everyday. We go out everyday by ourselves and I walk faster, because I don't have two kids in tow and because Hermione matches my steps, so if I stumble I have an area where I know to go.

I hadn't realized how much subconsciously I avoided going out without my adorable kids. But now I have a pretty dog. People smile at me and open doors for me and Hermione instead of getting impatient with me for being slow or dropping things or worse make rude remarks as if I can't hear. Hermione also opens my fridge door, pushes push plates and picks things up for me.

I thought I was getting a dog to help me. The organization I got her from is called Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). I've also thought of myself as an independent person and spent the first few days I was at CCI wondering if I belonged there with folks in wheelchairs. Then I got really discouraged as my spatial issues became profoundly clear. Then I actually worked on them instead of spending that time kicking myself for not for example understanding how a door opens without actually seeing it open.

One of my LJ friends put it best I've spent most of my life trying to "pretend I was a defective normal person instead of a "ok person with a disability." As one of my classmates said to me "I embrace my limitations rather than fighting them so I can do more." I am still exhausted from my training and my increased physical activity of exercising a dog and walking more. But my whole outlook has changed. I don't fight to get by. I try to figure out how to adapt conditions to improve my life with my disability. Already I'm doing more. I can't wait to see what future brings.

My votes for Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

I'm pleased California actually counts in the primary. My two top issues are health care and the environment. Clinton and Obama are similar on environment. Clinton favors health care for all which makes sense but I'm not sure will pass politically. Obama favors health care for all kids. It means adults are left out in the cold but who can vote against kids. Congress already has some healthcare for kids. So I'll vote for Obama.

I think America is more ready to elect a man whose father was from Kenya and mom from America than the wife of a former president. The Clintons have made a lot of enemies as well as friends. I am also impressed that Obama has lined up some key endorsements like Ted Kennedy and several unions. Clinton is very detail oriented a good thing. Unfortunately attention to detail doesn't make a president electable as Reagan and Bush Jr have shown. It's the ability to surround yourself with good people. Obama appears to have that trait. Since turnout is usually low I think if Barack can get out the vote on presidental election day he will win.

On state propositions:
I'm voting yes on reform to term limits. I think term limits are undemocratic and don't allow congresspeople to build up enough experience and longevity to allow them more free reign to make deals and not be so tied to lobbyists. And the same folks run over and over just in different jobs so it doesn't stop the politicians from coming back anyway.

I'm voting no on everything else. I think the Indian gaming agreements need to happen in Congress and not via propositions. I don't have time to figure out all the ramifications of the agreement. That's why I elect politicians. I have seen countless ads on tv and via US mail so clearly a lot of money is riding on this.

I don't like earmarking funds for specific things in the budget. The state Congress needs the flexibility to create budgets in good times and bad. If you don't like your Congresspeople then vote for better folks.

$30,373 medical bill $0 paid

2008-01-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

We get bills like this all the time. This one was a relatively small one. Little T pulled his g-tube out and we weren't able to put it back in time. We had to go the Emergency Room and then Little T had an minor operation to widen the hole to put another g-tube back in.

The total billed costs which is what an uninsured person would pay are $30,773.50

Medical Inpatient $ 21,921.00
Outpatient charge $ 91.50
Diagnostic Testing$ 8,361.00

Our insurance actually paid $3,900 of the inpatient rate which is their contracted rate. They paid nothing for the other two charges "payment for this service is included in the per diem rate or per case rate fee paid to your provider."

We paid nothing as our insurance pays for all hospitalizations and ER visits that result in admittance to the hospital.

Moral of the story:
1. Uninsured folks get really soaked.
2. Get the best health care insurance you can afford
3. We really need health care reform in this country, because it's a crappy system where folks who are either too poor or too unable to plan to get health insurance pay the most.
4. I bet Medical/Mediaid also gets soaked as they probably have a higher negotiated rate than insurance.

Laptop cured, but I'm sick and nervous about leaving the kids

2008-01-31T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have a cold virus.

I am putting together my packing list for Team Training for Canine Companions for Independence (CCI) which is just 10 days away.

Yesterday I photocopied the schedule for the entire 2 weeks, my dorm assignments and all the directions to various places around the CCI campus.

Don't get me wrong. C's a wonderful father, but he's a WAW (Work at Work) dad. But WOW is how folks often view dads that do anything with their kids. I'm nervous, because I'm basically leaving the kids under his care for 13 days and I feel he has NO idea about what it's like to look after the kids full-time. He's gone camping with them and several other families for a couple weekends, but the village helps out.

Ironically I would feel better if he was a bit more nervous. Instead he says things "I think we'll be fine." I hope he is nervous, but just doesn't want me to worry.

I have never been so thrilled to receive diapers

2008-01-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

Little T's preschool just sent home his diapers and wipes today. I've never been so thrilled to receive diapers in my entire life. It means he's now totally potty trained at preschool.

Potty training at home remains literally a balancing act. Unfortunately my dystonia and his one-handedness clash. He needs support to stand up and lean forward which is extremely hard on my hands and arms, so at the moment he can only go with my husband. Plus my jerking unsettles him. So right now he just goes when my husband is here.

HP Hero

2008-01-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

My husband's HP recovery disks just arrived via Fedex priority overnight for FREE.

Maybe they can help save my laptop. But I'll need to wait to find out. Little T just got home and I have even bigger news.

Shame on you, Sony!

2008-01-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Sony,
Yes it's true I broke my hard disk. Yes, it's true I didn't make recovery disks as you instructed me to do.

However I broke my hard disk because I thwacked it due to my disability. I don't expect you to pay for that. However I don't understand why you place your hard disk right on the top right edge. You could have placed your tiny hard disk in a location a lot less likely to be damaged. I've had 4 laptops in my time and hit each one of them and never broke a hard disk before including the first one ever invented.

But your worst sin is charging me almost $50 for recovery disks that cost you less than $5 to make and ship to me. It is usurious. If you charged me a reasonable price, I would not complain. And you have me up a creek. It's either cough up $50 or buy another laptop.

Shame on you Sony for taking advantage of me in my time of need.

Shame, shame Sony!

Your rival HP sent my husband recovery DVDs for free. It's true that the recovery program didn't work and HP only allows you to make one copy. Even so, it illustrates how little recovery disks cost.

I was a big fan of your VAIO laptops, but after this experience I will probably NEVER buy another Sony laptop.

Sony, you have gained $50, and lost thousands and thousands of dollars from me. I purchase laptops every few years for the rest of my life, which I hope will last for several more decades.

Your practice of charging insane amounts for recovery disks is not only shameful, but also bad business.

Stupid and shameful Sony!

Stay-at-home server not appropriate for kids

2008-01-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

Microsoft has hit back at the funny Mac/PC ads with its own web site stayathomeserver.com

The ads are funny, but also touch on a few more important Mom issues like the decision to stay at home being wimpy. I am a stay-at-home mother. Ironically we have a Microsoft work server at home. My husband works one day a week at home.

However the ads and the website mention little about security, my chief concern. Due to my concerns about my children's safety, the Microsoft Media Server sits in our bedroom. This is not my place of choice. It's rather noisy. It turns on at random times in the night. My husband talks about tuffing it out to the study where our other servers live, but I refuse. Microsoft has always had a poor record of security and in its line of media it's awful.

I have no idea about the server's "parental controls" which I don't believe in anyway since that depends on others to tag videos. Worse, there's little control over what appears on the screen. Take the video section. It displays random videos from the Internet. That's fine except for this "feature" C and I will watch a funny video of a baby or a kitten. Okay the humor comes from bad behavior, but it's a baby or kitten. Unless we're very quick to stop it, the Media Center then randomly shows us another humor video. As you can imagine humor on the Internet varies a great deal in taste and appropriateness for children. The next video may be an adult farting, because the previous video was about a baby making silly noises. Sorry Microsoft, NOT the same thing. My daughter just turns away and says "Ewww gross!!!" No harm done. But we have not ventured forth into more potentially more dangerous areas.

My daughter loves to watch YouTube Videos. But I can preview the video ahead of time and it never plays a video unless I specifically tell it to. Yes the world of YouTube is filled with videos not appropriate for a 5 year old, but it's also filled with touching videos of puppies and kittens and assistance dogs. As I prepare to bring an assistance dog into my own life, I want to show her what these amazing animals do. I recently and wrongly used the word "comfort dog" to describe dogs that bring comfort to those who are ill or suffering. My friend snickered loudly. I can only imagine what would happen if my daughter unsuspectingly typed in those words into Microsoft's server. So the server is staying in our bedroom. A work server at home and unfortunately not appropriate for kids.

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Experiments with an automatic soap dispenser

2008-01-13T12:39:00.001-08:00

One of my learnings for the past year has been that what might seem frippery or luxury to some may actually help my hands.

So it was that yesterday I found myself in Brookstone, a store for those in general who have more money than they know what to do with. Example: digital weather display and clock: $60

I bought a stainless steel soap automatic dispenser. As with all things Brookstone, it was well made, but far more expensive than it ought to be. $40

So far I'm still learning the process of using it. Too far under the sensor and I jerk and the soap plops on the counter instead of my hand. Or I manage not to jerk and receive a large dollop of soap. Today I discovered you have to lightly brush the sensor and then it dispenses slightly more than I'd like, but not the huge splat of yesterday. I *think* once I learn it will save me points, but I need a few more days to be sure.

Pushing down on the soap dispenser is a small amount of points, but one I do all day long as the mom of two small children, one of whom has fragile health. For me, bar soap has been an adventure, a little fun in my salad days when I had more time to jerk around. Picture me jerking a slippery object and watching it slide around the sink and on bad days across the room.

Dystonia on a treadmill

2008-01-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

Treadmills have always scared me. I'm afraid I'll fall or stumble and hurt myself. Yesterday I learned that my fear was rational.

I wanted to try the treadmill, because I thought I'd be walking my service dog, so I need to practice running and walking. It turned out to be a BAD IDEA. The treadmill has a lot of free space, so you have to think about where your body is in relation to space and time. Whoever said that my dystonia only affects my upper body should be forced to endure what I did. The effects on my lower body are subtle and very stressed induced.

I tried to get the treadmill up to what I though was a usual pace and I started running flat footed. I tried to stop running that way and ran normally for a few paces and then my right knee locked up. It wouldn't unlock until I went back to a walk. I've noticed that my right knee very occasionally locks up at night since I was little. My parents used to call it a charlie horse. Now that I think about it, it would lock up after experiencing a particular type of emotional stress - hard to put into words, but unresolved arguing. In this case I was arguing with my body and losing.

So I walked. Then I started to get a bit tired and I swayed to the left as I sometimes do when tired. It used to result in me falling, but now I have better one-legged balance thanks to my son's PT, so I recovered.

I did 15 minutes as I promised myself I'd do. But I'm done with treadmills. I can walk or run with my dog, but no treadmill will be involved. My right knee still hurts slightly.

I do much better on the elliptical. There is no unmapped space on the Precor. Your feet go into these foot wells. Your hands go onto the handlebars. My body knows what it should be doing. I get a much better workout on the elliptical, because my body is not fighting against its dystonia.

Things I never thought I'd say or do as a parent

2008-01-07T14:54:00.000-08:00

"Stop reading and put on your shoes."
"Don't use the dark force on your brother." (while playing Lego Star Wars)
"Stop drinking vinegar."
"No thanks, I don't like strawberries, lettuce and vinaigrette dressing."
Check labels for the highest fat content. (My son's is being weaned off a feeding tube.)

What's your list?

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

1234567890 seconds old

2008-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my husband threw me a surprise birthday party to celebrate my being 1234567890 seconds old.

I loved the idea as a total nerd and because my regular birthday always falls right around Thanksgiving.

All my life I've wanted a surprise party. My husband finally pulled one off.

So far this seems to be a year of my dreams coming true, but all was not sunshine quite literally.

We drove through a terrible storm to get the kind friends who hosted my party.
And my parents' power had been out for the last 48 hours and so had all her friends, so my sister-in-law and sister baked my cake at the last minute.

My dad said that they got home to a cold dark house, and then a minute later the house lit up again like magic.

The whole thing was a great symbol of my life so far.

Memories from 2007 I want to keep

2008-01-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

Memories in the corner of my mind..what's too painful to remember I simply choose to forget, so it's the laughter I will remember whenever I remember the way we were.

Learning better balance and better ways to prevent falling thanks to Little T's PT

Return of Cheery Nanny

Special K loses a tooth then two more

My bright curious healthy niece and the way LT and she adore each other. Watching my brother be a daddy.

Our first plane trip as a family and our enjoyable time with Isabella and Radu and visiting Seattle

Little T's sudden plunge into talking and climbing stairs and now toilet training and suddenly he's 3.

Little T waiting eagerly for his bus ride so excited to get on. Me nervous. And my first meeting with his marvelous preschool teacher.

A postcard from Oxaca welcoming Special K to her class. My mum, C, SK, LT and all went that first day and C read to LT, because SK could already read.

Our WII - truly a family game

Waiting for and finally getting my doggy date

Suddenly LT is eating and eating and eating.

And I did so much this year, but so much of it involves pain, but I did get LT into preschool and he's growing and growing. And SK's in Kindergarten and reading and reading.

At once I can't believe 2007 is over. It went by in what seems like a blur. But I'm glad to see the back of it. In Burma they sing
2007 gone away
2007 gone away
2008 welcome
2008 welcome
Welcome 2008! I hope you bring many good things!

WII Games my kids love and hate

2007-12-30T11:18:00.001-08:00

Since I obtained a WII through my blog connections, I figured it was only fair to blog about it.

Super Mario Galaxy - my daughter is amazing at this game

C hates it, so we bought him some Orange Box thing - the best value in videogame history it touts. So far it seems to me like Half Life whose name I only remember, because it's a fun name for a first person shooter game

Lego Star Wars - still going strong though I bought it for them as my birthday gift near Thanksgiving. They laugh and laugh at this game. They never tire of the jumping and running around. My husband is amused by the Star Wars story.
Guitar Hero though they both love to watch it, not play it.
Boogie - thought it's not so fun for me, because I have to sing "Doncha" over and over and over again. I wish WII would come out with a real karoke game.
WII Sports - a surprise one, but my son still loves the fishing game and sometimes the shooting game, though sometimes he says it's too scary.

Failures

Cars - The voices and animation and crazy driving held my boy's interest for a while, but after a couple weeks he stopped asking to play it. It's not interesting enough to hold adult interest and he still needs an adult to play with him.
Zelda - "Too scary" say both of them, though they happily watch the Lego figures blow apart. My husband likes it, but not enough to play it when they're not around.

Crossposted to my LJ.

Mostly good Christmas

2007-12-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

I had a mostly good Christmas. A few rocky spots, but the kids romped through with minimal crying.

They did stay up until 11pm on Christmas Day and then Little T fell out of bed at 4am with a loud thump and woke up crying. This symbolizes my Christmas for me. Mostly peaceful with occasional and unexpected thumps.

I'm still figuring out where the thumps come from. Part of it is that we visit my parents' house very infrequently except during the holidays. Mostly it's all managing the kids so that stress is minimized. Little T in particular has a certain routine and when that routine is disrupted, he cries. For a typical kid, this would be just part of the holidays. With Little T, I get into this space where I feel he's wasting calories. A bad space. We're a few months away to removing the g-tube forever. A feat we've accomplished by not stressing about calories and just working on feeding him.

Little T ate and ate and ate at my parents. I've never seen the boy eat so much. Honestly this was the highlight of my Christmas. I say this not to minimize the other joys of Christmas, but just that seeing him eating with such gusto after months and months of struggling with bags and bags of messy formula and vomiting and reflux filled me with such joy and pride.

Another joy was to see my little niece so healthy and active and curious and to watch Little T's utter adoration of her. He seems to regard her as his younger sister. In Burmese, there is no word for cousin, your cousins are your brothers and sisters. That's clearly how he feels. He loves babies in general. But he greets my niece as if she was the best baby on earth. She of course responds with a joyful smile. My niece doesn't bestow her smiles on everyone. She's a serious intense little girl who has things to grab, people to look at. It's funny how even at 6 months, personality is clear. Even as a newborn, she gazed at you with great intensity.

I had other joys and other rocky spots, a personal rocky spot -- my wrists and hands just gave out at about 7pm last night and started just aching a lot. A wrist soak and stretches and a good night's sleep got them to tentative okayness. But they are on the edge. Typing is one of the least stressful things I can do with them. Even so, I will rest them and end this post.

We hold it within ourselves to be good family

2007-12-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

My package for my parents has spent Christmas eve sitting in the UPS warehouse about 40 miles from our house, so alas not in time for Christmas. I ordered in on Dec 18, so UPS does not get my Christmas cheer this year. But it does mean we will visit them again once the package arrives, so I guess it is good cheer for my parents.

We did avert one Christmas crisis by buying the last two Christmas puddings at Andronico's. Otherwise my mom would make it herself which takes at least 7 hours. I kid you not.

But the kids are really excited this year mostly about spending time with extended family and that's what Christmas is about for me. A friend who's had a particularly hard year this year blogged "We hold it within ourselves to be good family." And that's what I strive for.

Personally I don't care if we have Christmas pudding or not, but it matters a lot to my dad. So after a lunch with my brother's in-laws, we drove to Andronico's. My son was already fast asleep and my daughter who normally loves shopping refused to leave the car. I thought about whether to spend the wrist points to get out of the car and carry those puddings. My husband offered to do it. I briefly wished my service dog was already here. But I decided that getting the right pudding was worth it and my husband doesn't know about Christmas pudding. So off I went. I returned and discovered they had overcharged us. My husband just said he'd go back. He understood the cost to me to go back again.

My mom only vaguely understands my daily pain and my dad not all. My service dog may teach them. I have no idea. But I've decided it doesn't matter. My children don't understand the costs of the things I do except in vague terms. Sometimes we talk about wrist points. And I don't really want them to. I try to be good family.

The flush of pride

2007-12-21T16:53:00.000-08:00

First he started toilet training at school and now the past two days at home. The exact details are not fit for a blog that I assume one day he will read. Cognitive ability has never been one of his problems. Anyway what I will say is that it involves standing on a little blue stool and a look of pure pride and joy on his face.

It's very difficult for him to maintain his balance with his one arm. I'm so proud of him. I think he's very brave. But then he's always been incredibly brave. Flushing which seems to scare most little kids fascinates him.

And my children are the only people I will hug after such an activity and before washing. But that's mother love for you. No photo again for obvious reasons.

Lifechanging news, exciting news and commenting

2007-12-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

My first and best news is that I will getting my service dog in February. I was invited to Team Training at Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). It's the best holiday gift I've ever received!! I feel incredibly excited and blessed.

Around the New Year CCI will send me an enormous binder chock full of info basically everything I'm expected to learn in Team Training, so I expect to blog more about this. Not the contents themselves since that belongs to CCI, but rather my reactions to it all. I should note that CCI has a pretty strict policy against not revealing the name of my dog or identifying details about my dog until graduation which will also be my sixth wedding anniversary. My human partner has graciously agreed to share the day with my new dog partner.

I do like the CCI logo a lot, but as it involves a person in a wheelchair, it doesn't seem quite appropriate to put in my blog as I'm not in a wheelchair. I know it's the universal symbol for disabled or special needs which I definitely claim. And I even have a disabled parking placard. Still I'm at a loss what picture to put for this post, since I don't know what my future partner will look like. Oh well.

Not life changing, but exciting Peter Jackson will be producing The Hobbit in 2009 in a two part series.
It was my extended family tradition to watch Lord of the Rings each Christmas.

Of less importance to me personally, but of import to readers of this blog, you can comment now using Open ID.

Here Comes Another Bubble popped (sorta)

2007-12-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

I'm annoyed that one of the funniest Youtube videos to come out in a long time "Here Comes Another Bubble" by the Richter Scales was taken down on request by the DMCA. In the meantime, all Youtube has is this very poor quality video of a live performance where you can't even hear the lyrics that well, but it's the best I can give you as an immediate link.

According to the Richter Scales blog, the video was taken down because Lane Hartwell complained it used her copyrighted images of Owen Thomas, a tv reporter for heaven's sake. So he's a public figure and therefore his images are in the public domain. Ironically the video's still at Valley Wag. (at least when I blogged this post)

I'd like to know which videos on youtube don't use some copyrighted images of public figures. Youtube would go out of business if every video had every copyright checked.

I replied tongue in check on the blog that I think if they hadn't made fun of Larry Page and Sergey Brin the founders of Google who own Youtube, it might have stayed up. Since Silly Valley is about this big, I'm actually friends of friends of the founders and I think they have a sense of humor, but people are afraid. And frankly it really is a bubble.

How I can resist but to blog about a video with several men singing "Won't you blog about this song" in lovely acapella tune? Plus the video includes a baby blogging.

Richter Scales, I wish you well and I hope your bubble video gets back up on youtube.

Up with Internet Freedom and satire. Down with silly legalese. Satire is protected under free speech. Get a clue Youtube and DMCA.

Dear Santa Paws

2007-12-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

I've been a pretty good girl this year. Here's my real wish list

1. No more hospital stays for Little T. I know a year is a whole lot to ask when we have only managed a few months, but that's my biggest wish.

2. No more visits to the ER or Urgent Care. Yes you gave us fewer than last year and they were not nearly as scary as previous years, but I'd really like none next year.

3. Little T's g-tube to be removed forever. His GI doctor says he's close - maybe 3 months and maybe that will allow my first two wishes to happen.

4. Better health for my parents

5. A service dog of my very own

6. A path to writing success

7. Peace for my relatives who struggle everyday just to get by

Thank you very much for your gifts this year including, but not exclusively:

1. Little T's improving health and learning how to talk

2. Little T's wonderful preschool teacher

3. Special K's love of reading and thriving in Kindergarten with her own wonderful teacher. And Special K's continued good health. Something I sometimes forget to mention, but never take for granted.

4. My friend L who drove me and my kids all over the place until I could drive myself and has in many other ways been a true friend this year.

5. C finally feeling things are okay enough to go ahead

6. My brother's healthy baby girl who also seems very bright and curious and social. Little T and she adore each other. As if in solidarity, she even has a hemangioma on her left arm, though hers is harmless like 99.7% of hemangiomas.

7. Our prosperity when others around the world including my own relatives have so little

8. Although I am never pleased to see horrible violence, I'm pleased that the world has noticed Burma just a little.

9. All the kind CCI people who showed me their dogs or sent me photos of dogs this year or wrote to me about dogs. You make waiting just a little easier.

The Newshour in HD brings me joy

2007-12-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

I got an email last night from KQED that McNeil Lehrer...sorry.The Newshour with Jim Lehrer will be in HD starting 12/17. This makes me far more excited than it should.

C says "it's not like broadcast news where they have sexy anchors." Do I really want to see Jim in high definition detail? I do. Real news is not pretty or glamorous. It's like Jim, who's been around the world.

Happy Holidays, Jim. Please don't feel you need extra makeup or anything. We love you the way you are.

Reluctant Lactivist

2007-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

I found out sometime last year that I'm a lactivist or at least the NY Times told me so.

Ironically when the article came out, much of my breastfeeding was a very private affair. You see, I was almost exclusively pumping due to my son's health problems. And there's really no discreet way to pump in public. Only Madonna wears huge breastfeeding horns in public.

My son would breastfeed once a day but only in the most private of circumstances. A dream (not a wet one) of those who would ban breastfeeding from public places.

But I never felt dirty or embarrassed breastfeeding. I've never received any comments or dirty looks or been asked to stop. Most of the time the world seemed oblivious to the fact that I was breastfeeding. With my daughter who has always been healthy and focused on food, we breastfeed anytime anywhere she was hungry.

Maybe it's living in Silicon Valley. Maybe it's because my Burmese mother taught me that breastfeeding was normal and natural and I watched both of my siblings breastfeed. Or maybe it's because I'm

half-British and so used to doing things discreetly. But I'm a lactivist, because I believe that women should be allowed to breastfeed in public. I also think breastfeeding should be discussed and taught to all moms.

I think breastfeeding like dancing is something you learn by watching other people do and doing it yourself. It's not something you can learn from some book. Also like any dance, it takes two people and while it's not PC to say so, some partners just can't dance. My breastfeeding dance is frankly more like the funky chicken then the graceful waltz found in the La Leche guides, but it took my son a long long time to learn to latch on properly. If he had been my first, I'm not sure if we would have learned to breastfeed successfully. But my daughter came first and she was extremely eager. The second try she latched on and would not let go. Hoover and barracuda accurately describe her breastfeeding style. So I was an experienced partner by the time by my son was born.

One thing did bother me. The article states that some lactivists compare public breastfeeding to gays holding hands. Once when I held hands with a woman, I got a shocked look. So the reactions I've received personally are the same. And in some states both can put you in jail. However I've never heard of a woman being beaten up or had her life threatened for breastfeeding in public.

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

How do you take holiday photo cards?

2007-12-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

As you may have read before, I have photo phobia, and holiday cards are no exception. Try to get two small children to look at the camera and smile at the same time. For me, it involves me singing Christmas carols and bribes of candy. Even then the photo comes out looking like I have two slightly deranged children (mad usually only when trying to get them ready for school or photos), instead of two adorable children (which they are most of the time). As you can see, I have photographic proof that my children can look adorable at the same, but they're not looking at the camera. And the dear friend who took this photo has other things to do. This was an entire afternoon of her time.

Does anyone have tips for me?

I took over 30 photos with the digital before patience gave way. I'm not sure if it was me or the kids who were more sick of the whole process.

Don't you love when they change things w/o telling you

2007-12-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

Well LJ has been sold to Russia which they did announce. But it seems like Google decided to enforce a stricter password scheme without telling anyone. Just one day I couldn't log in. Grrr.

So happy about my tea

2007-11-29T16:24:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy to learn that my favorite tea Tetley advertises at least on its website "Tata and Tetley not only share a passion for tea but also a commitment to operate as a responsible business. Use these links to find out more about what we’re doing to manage our environmental, ethical and social impacts."

I had been debating if I needed to get a more expensive tea that I like less in order to have fair trade tea. I think fair trade is far more important than organic when it comes to foreign produce and of course tea doesn't grow here.

A really sweet video that shows the spirit of my daughter's school

2007-11-21T11:47:00.001-08:00

Castro's celebration of getting off the Federal List of schools that need to be improved.

My daughter joined after the school was already off the list, but the video shows the great spirit of the school and why we love it so much.

Nerdy giving

2007-11-12T12:55:00.001-08:00

I love Free Rice. Maybe it's because I achieved the maximum score of 50 and gave 570 grains of rice to UNICEF.

When I think about it, 570 grains is a pittance, but I loved playing the game. It filled me with nerdy joy, and I even learned a couple words too. I believe this is the first time my large vocabulary has directly resulted in doing good. I'm working on doing it both more indirectly, but today with both kids home from school on holiday is not a writing day for me.

Stop Junk Mail by going online

2007-11-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

I used to spend an extra five to ten minutes a day sorting through junk mail. That doesn't sound like much, but it adds up and as regular readers of my blog know, I have a lot on my plate without filling it with junk mail.

The standard advice is to pay $1 to get the Direct Marketing Association to remove your address online.

But then all the rest of the advice I read involves writing. Not so! You can do a lot of online.

To remove your name from random offers of credit and insurance for five years or permanently. If you want it to be permanent, you have to sign and mail something in, but that's one time.

A company or charity that you have already done business with is free to send you mail at any time and also to sell your name unless you tell them otherwise. But do you need to write? No! Go to the organization's web site and scroll down to the bottom of their site. Usually in tiny letters at the bottom, you'll see a Privacy link. That link will reveal pages of legalese and usually an email address where you can email to be taken off their mail list.

For organizations I like, I say email only. For organizations that I don't like, take me off your lists. For all organizations, put me on your do not call list and do not share my information with any other organization even affiliates of your organization.

This takes about five minutes to ten minutes per organization depending on how hard their web site is to navigate and how fast you type. However IME each organization sends a piece of email once a month. So it's time saved in the end. Also you're saving trees in that the company is not printing paper to send to you and the US mail is not transporting that mail to you.

My son is running

2007-11-07T12:05:00.001-08:00

Both feet off the ground.

Running running away

I've worked very hard for this day

that he can run away from me.

Some day I hope both kids will run faster than me

leaving me behind.

But I hope they will still return

at least for holidays.

Slimy yet satisfying

2007-11-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

In the Lion King Pumbaa says "Slimy... yet satisfying." as he eats a large grub from a rotten log. This is how I'd describe the IEP process at the school district where my son was transferred. Our district has no program for his "low incidence disability" --school speak for we don't see many kids like this so we have to be more careful.

We love the special preschool he's in and adore his special ed teacher and like the other kids. And our son's already making measurable progress after only a month in. He's started to climb stairs without holding onto a rail. I thought he couldn't get more confident but I think I was judging him as a two-year old and he's three. He asserts himself more with words. He used to be quiet around other kids which I stupidly accepted as "just being a boy." Well he's not quiet anymore. And he was never quiet at home. This preschool is definitely the right fit for him.

The school district... Well. It's only two years. And we can work with them as long as we don't look too carefully at the whole thing. One the plus side they're organized in careful segments....

Anyway if I had to choose I'd choose this way. Because we're not moving anytime soon. Our older daughter loves her elementary school. And our school district special ed people are disorganized but so far warm and friendly.

Pencils inspired our Halloween

2007-11-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

After reading from a mom of a diabetic kid and thinking about how fat many kids are we decided to supply Halloween pencils stickers and spider rings for treats. We also had about 12 pieces of candy but those didn't go until the end.

Pencils were by far the most popular. "Cool! Pencils! I need them for school." exclaimed one boy. We bought 3 dozen Halloween pencils for a dollar a dozen and by the end of the night they were all gone.

It made me feel good that I was actually contributing to a child's education instead of their bad health.

I guess if everyone gave away pencils it wouldn't be special any more but Walmart and dollar stores are full of little cheap things. And maybe part of the reason pencils were so popular was that my husband was so excited to be giving them away. The kids had a choice but the pencils sat bright and shiny at the top.

Did you give something away this Halloween that interested you or inspired you? If not what could you give next year?

I'm almost done so now I can get sick

2007-10-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

We're on the home stretch of completing my son's IEP so my body has decided it's a fine time to succumb to those half cold half flu thingy. I have a stuffy nose and sore throat and a few aches but no fever. I sometimes feel incredibly tired to the point where all I want to do is lie in bed and sleep and at other times I feel almost human.

I don't feel quite sick enough to justify my husband staying at home so this has lingered on for exactly a week now. My son's IEP meeting was on Monday and I rallied enough to be fully present there. I also rallied myself to go riding later that day. The rest of the week I laid in bed until it was time to pick up my daughter and then looked after both kids until about 6pm when I just waited for my husband to get home until I could crawl into bed.

This weekend we missed four parties and may miss the fifth one today. Yet yesterday I deal with an insurance issue and also the lingering portions of my son's IEP.

I need to get better so I can have some fun!

Burning inferno

2007-10-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

I feel most sad for all the wildlife dying out there and neglected pets and the firefighters who have lost their lives. This silly picture is for them and the CCI folks. I send my prayers to the people affected by the fire and the CCI dogs and people at the SW regional center. These brave folks are waiting in the path of two fires. The smoke and soot and air quality are terrible. They're staying there multiple nights in case they need to evacuate the dogs and cat and I think they mention bunnies? That's true dedication.

As a child of 12 I once had to evacuate one solitary cat from my dad's friend's house because of an avalanche warning. Unlike these folks I didn't have any animal carriers so I had to hand-carry this cat down the mountain. The cat was very worried and tried to claw me but I was well bundled up. The cat was so freaked that she jumped out of my arms and tried to climb up a snow bank. After that she realized that it was my arms or the cold snow so she stayed with me.

I know these dogs are very well trained unlike this cat but still it must be very freaky to them to smell all this smoke and ash. I hope they're all doing okay.

Pimped from Jed's blog

map of San Diego fires

Southern California Fire map

Look out world!

2007-10-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

My little niece has started rolling over. I remember naively thinking that babyproofing didn't start until they learned to crawl. Special K at least milked every milestone for all its worth. As soon as she could roll she was rolling rolling rolling everywhere. Carpet wood floor no flat ground was safe from my little tumbleweed. Every little speck that I left on the floor was picked up and put in her mouth if I was careful. I told my brother all this. Hee hee.

My daughter walked for miles and miles

2007-10-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

My daughter walked from 1:30 to 6pm for her school walkathon. She took one bathroom break. Otherwise she walked and walked and walked. 54 laps in all. I'm so proud of my little Kindergartener who could. I talk about Little T's determination all the time because life is more challenging for him but Special K also rises to the few great challenges her life presents her.

She also got her hair sprayed pink which she said "was scary for me."

I have been trying to tell her that a lot of life is just persistent effort over time or walking around and around. You do get prizes along the way but mostly the point is just to keep on going. I guess she knows that lesson at least for now. Do I say how incredibly proud I am of her?

Steps for Little T one huge victory

2007-10-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

Little T can climb up and down the steps of his school bus by himself. His preschool teacher says she has worked with him on steps everyday. How she accomplished this miracle I don't know since in therapy sessions it has been difficult to say the least. Picture a screaming boy at the top of our stairs. Bribes offered and refused. Lots of "No" screamed loudly.

No screaming at school. But then it's hard to refuse his teacher anything. She makes it all sound so sweet and reasonable.

It looks like Special K will be a Daisy Girl Scout if we can find one more girl in the entire school to join the troop.

I really like being able to walk to Longs. I'm still perhaps a bit overly excited to have a Longs in my neighborhood. I think it brings back childhood memories of biking to Longs as a child and Longs was this wonder store full of delights like candy and Merlin the electronic game that all the kids wanted and amazingly my parents bought.

Bodies in motion

2007-10-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful my husband made me tea and went shopping with me and Little T. Something he does quite a lot. He's really a very nice man.

It was good but a bit painful to get my back worked on. It was sweet to see that although I woke Tucker from his little puppy nap. He got up lifted his head and greeted me with a little puppy snuffle. To me it sounded like an "I know you and am happy to see you" sort of noise. It reminded me of how my children as young babies used to snuffle before they could coo at me. It's funny how in the end we're all mammals. I read this breeder's journal about her puppies learning the commando crawl. Oh yes I remember my kids learning that.

I loved visiting Little T's preschool today and seeing how excited he was to participate in "body class". The OT made it all about fire safety and engines. How could he not be excited. He laughed as he bounced on the big ball.

Gratitude

2007-10-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

I'm happy because I kept Louie engaged 95% of the time yesterday during our lesson and he only tripped twice even though we were walking and we had a side walker too.

I'm thrilled that Little T is alive. A friend just wrote that yesterday was Infant Loss Day. I have no idea how or why he lived that first day but I'm so glad he's still here.

I'm pleased that the reason my butt still hurts is that the muscles are still tight and pinching a nerve. A good hard massage from my chiropractor Dr. Deb helped and I hope it will heal over time.

My kids and cat fence keep my cat Mori young

2007-10-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at Mori's annual checkup the vet said that Mori looked like a younger cat. He's eleven years old now.

Last year he went to the vet having snuck outside and been abused by a neighbor who was convicted of animal cruelty and had to pay my vet bills and serve community service.

For several days he dragged himself around the house like a very old man. We worried about it and gave him lot of very gentle petting and tried to cajole him to eat and drink.

Now we have built a cat fence for our back yard. Yes they do work but periodically he finds a chink and worms his way out again. So we walk around trying to find the 1/4 inch hole he's exploited and patch it up. It seems more like something to do than a discontent with our back yard. He always returns at mealtimes meowing at the front door or when called. And our other cat seems perfectly content to stay in our yard and has never once escaped.

The back yard provides exercise sunshine and a lot of ways to run around. He also comes inside and gets a lot of petting and attention from the kids. My daughter carries him around with her arms stuck out. He's so big compared to her that he's secure but it's very peculiar to see them together. Then he wants less attention so he goes into our yard again.

The two T's - Same age different species

2007-10-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Little T and Tucker the 12-week old golden retriever puppy are so cute and adorable together. They are about the same age in terms of social behavior.

I ask Little T "Do you want to see Tucker?" "No" he says firmly. "Okay but I'm going over." Then he stares fascinated at Tucker. "Look he's chewing a bone." he giggles Every aspect of Tucker is commented upon. Then he doesn't want to leave. "No I want to see Tucker." just as firmly as he said he didn't 20 minutes before. Ahh the life of a three-year old.

Tucker's owner said that Tucker used to follow her on the leash very well but has just started sitting down and she has to carry him. I laughed and I said "That sounds very familiar."

I read some leash training techniques to try to get Little T to cross parking lots. Not that I use a leash but Little T still tugs on my hands and it hurts or abruptly sits down. We have mastered crossing the street pretty well now but an empty parking lot is apparently terrifying. It amazed me that one technique worked. I walked in front of him and took both of his hands from behind and walked slowly at his pace. He walked this way for few steps. My back was grateful it was just a few steps. Then he asked to just hold my hand standing next to me like a typical kid. On the way back he just crossed the parking lot holding my hand the typical way. Apparently I needed to show him that I was going to get him across the parking lot safely without picking him up.

Pet therapy and Chiropracty

2007-10-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

My chiropractor has the cutest little golden retriever puppy named Tucker. He's 12 weeks old and has just learned to sit and lick instead of bite. Not CCI standards. But gosh he's cute and loves a good belly rub.

I was actually bummed when my chiropractor said that I only needed to come twice a week cos I'll miss lil' Tucker.

Kicked out of the center

2007-10-05T18:19:00.001-07:00

Little T got kicked out of the Regional Center. He's no longer officially developmentally disabled. Still has his special needs but he's one smart little boy.

Thank you

2007-10-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you Fenders Collision for fixing the latch on my car door so it shuts properly. You had the right tool and just screwed it in. And you all are so nice.

Thank you for the nice handwritten note my CCI friend.

Thank you Little T for having good vision even if you didn't want to cooperate with the optometrist.

Dear dog owner

2007-10-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Dog owner:

My children love dogs. They really adore them in fact. Specific dogs that they know and trust.

You see my children recognize that each dog has his or her personality and training and that's how they judge dogs. I write his or her because my daughter always corrects me on the correct pronoun for dogs she knows. Both kids view dogs as sentient beings. My son greets dogs he likes by name. Both kids feel free to command dogs they know and expect the dog to obey. This makes for a much happier interaction as sometimes dogs do get over excited and forget that kids are two legged and not four legged.

My daughter thinks smaller dogs are "cuter" than bigger dogs but cute is only one factor in what makes a dog lovable. My kids' two favorite dogs are a lab mix and a golden retriever so clearly size isn't everything.

You say "My dog is great with kids." My kids want to make that decision for themselves after observing your dog. Please do not thrust your dog upon my children. If your dog is socialized your dog will not like it either. If my children take their time to observe your dog before they get close saying things to them like "You're afraid of dogs" will not help them get closer to your dog. If your dog is seen to be well trained or responds to correction my kids will approach your dog.

For those owners whose dogs are shall we say a bit excited? Perhaps your dog often strains on the leash or jumps up and is poorly trained or perhaps your dog is simply excited right now. My children can only judge what they see in the moment. These behaviors that you consider cute or harmless or expressing excitement can knock over my small children and make them cry. I don't think you should take it personally if my kids keep their distance. As soon as your dog settles down my kids will approach.

I've also taught my kids that some dogs work and should not be petted. For them these dogs wear a vest. They've also learned on their own that these dogs tend to hold more still. So if your therapy dog fits this description please don't take it personally if my kids don't pet your dog. They're still learning all the finer nuances of dogs. They're only 5 and 3 so they have some time yet.

Thank you for your understanding

Mom of two small keen dog observers and lovers

Little T's First day of preschool

2007-10-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

Little T's first day of preschool went well. No tears. He just climbed up into that school bus like he'd be doing it all his life. He sat patiently as he was strapped into the vest.

The preschool itself apparently proved a bit of a challenge as his teacher said "he didn't want to go along at first but he was persuaded." But he was clearly not bored or missing my mommy which were my two biggest fears. I'm sure he'll learn the preschool routine. The first day is hard for almost everyone adults included.

Pictures when I get a chance. But as I learned with Special K's first day of Kindergarten. Post first. Pictures later. Or it will be two weeks after he starts. ;)

Fun with supplements

2007-09-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

In our ongoing effort to treat Little T we're seeing a "whole wellness doctor" who ran some tests to see what supplements he needs. The theory is he gets enough calories between what he eats by mouth and his g-tube but his body is so depleted from destroying his tumor and rebuilding his arm that he runs out of nutrients he needs to convert fat into energy.

As always we tried to balance what he'll actually eat versus what he needs

So yesterday we bought

Cod liver oil - Not just any cod liver oil but tested for mercury and other containments with a lemon flavor. It tastes like lemon oil with a hint of fish. It's actually quite nice. Today Little T asked for a second teaspoon even though his daily dose is one.
Gummi Vites -2 Gummi Vites provide not as much minerals and vitamins as his doctor wants but he wants it. His sister asks for them everyday.
Organic Carrot juice - a great source of beta carotene aka vitamin A which he needs more of and loves
Grapeseed oil for high heat cooking - apparently canola oil aka rapeseed oil is bad for you at high heat. Who knew?
Bifidus - We bought this earlier. It's a probiotic powder. We had to experiment a while to see how he'd eat it. It's a tasteless white powder but very goopy so it won't go down the g-tube and he doesn't like the texture. Today it went down easy in cream cheese.

Things we're still having trouble with

Zinc - The Gummi Vites provide some but he needs more for healing. I thought we had some good zinc lozenges from Trader Joe's that also provide Vitamin C. However today I discovered they also provide slippery elm ~~aka aspirin.~~ He refused it today so we need something else he will eat. Probably another trip back to Whole Foods to see if they have zinc lozenges ~~without slippery elm~~ that are more palatable to him.
Whey protein - He needs it to help him build more muscle mass. All his muscles are small and underdeveloped. We may have to keep searching for the right whey powder. The whey powder industry seems largely unregulated and I'm concerned about growth hormones and toxicity. So far he didn't like it in milk. I'm not sure if it's the whey powder or the medium. Special K said "it tastes bitter."

We'd also supposed to give him more nuts avocados and beans.

Being a complete geek I have a google spreadsheet to keep track of which supplements we're all taking each day.

Anyone have any tips for kid-friendly zinc or whey powder?

Dear smiley face school bus driver

2007-09-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

You signed your note with a smiley face instead of your name. From how you wrote your note I presume you're the driver that will be taking my son to preschool.

Thank you most of all for taking the time to drive to my son's house ahead of time to make sure you know where it is. I can not tell you the thoughtfulness that represents to me.

Thank you for leaving me a beautifully written note with clear directions on what to do and your name and number.

I still don't know what you look like but I at least know you don't look like this: since you're both female and I can't imagine him leaving a note like that.

I hadn't realized until I read your note that was my secret fear. Thanks smiley face!

Mom sending her 3 year old for the first time on a school bus

Does anyone have any tips for me for further school bus happiness?

Just another ordinary miracle on Monday

2007-09-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Little T is going to preschool on Monday.
Little T is going to preschool on Monday.
Little T is going to preschool on Monday.

Yes I have to write that three times to believe it. I know it's ordinary for most folks. But three years ago I wouldn't have believed it. It's a miracle to me that my little baby has made it this far. But even at 1 week old the look of determination on his face struggling to survive showed he'd go far.

He will go four mornings a week on the special ed bus. I think it's the right preschool for him. It's a preschool for kids who are cognitively and socially typical but have physical special needs.

Four mornings a week I will have an empty house.

Lest anyone think I will sit around and eat bonbons since after all we SAHMs have nothing better to do. I still have some ongoing issues to deal with. Ironically much of these involve ensuring his success in preschool and beyond. Oh yes and I have my own sadly neglected health issues to deal with.

Three years ago my baby was still in the NICU. We went to the 25th NICU grad party this weekend. Doesn't he look like a preschooler now?

When I said I was going there my dad said "I don't like to look back and remember." I think my dad is missing out on seeing how far my little guy has come.

An apology to Louie

2007-09-25T17:22:00.001-07:00

Dear Louie
I am very sorry. I let you down. I was scared instead of trusting that you'd keep me safe. You've always kept me safe. I didn't mean to. It wasn't something I thought about. Falling down when in doubt is what I've always done. Trust is harder for me.

I still remember the stunned look on your face as you stared at me lying hurt on the ground.

I also want you to know it's not your fault that I came off or that you spooked. The log falling down was pretty startling. The log crashing against the metal garbage can was more than any guy could bear especially a sensitive guy like you. Even so you didn't buck or anything. You just backed up twice. I didn't expect the second time or the incredibly loud noise.

My husband is also really sorry too. It's why I've held off posting this but I think my apology to you is long overdue.

You are indeed a very special horse and very trustworthy. I do trust you. I will really try to do better next time.

Lots of love

My son already outperforms me

2007-09-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hooray my son's EEG is normal!!! I'm totally stunned! *My* EEG isn't normal. I guess that makes him smarter than me. But isn't that every parent's dream? :)

Reading to Dogs

2007-09-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about the Reading to Dogs program. I still remember my sense of wonder when I learned how to read. How suddenly all the billboards in London had messages I could READ.

I taught my sister and my daughter to read. I was involved in a literacy program back in college. I just think anything anyone can do to encourage reading is very cool.

Maybe another miracle today

2007-09-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Preliminary results look good for Little T. Not only no seizures found but the neurologist said his EEG was "completely normal." I'm still wishing on my CCI dog star that he doesn't find anything on closer examination.

I don't have a normal EEG. So if after all he's been through my son's EEG is normal I consider it a miracle.

I got a CCI dog at the hospital

2007-09-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

A CCI service team that I met at the graduate pool party was at the hospital last night for a pet therapy session. What a total transformation. He was Mr. Service Dog lying still in a proper down position with his head held high. He clearly loves his work and to play. What amazing dogs!

Still waiting to see if my Little T wish came true. Maybe. We'll find out more later. But having my service dog wish come true unexpectedly and not at all how I planned has given me hope. Aren't most gifts like that?

When will a president care about the fat and sugar offered to kids every day by the US government?

2007-09-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am worried that the school will make my daughter fat and unhealthy with bad food choices. Is she going off to college? No she's going to kindergarten.

I looked at the school lunch menu for the entire months of August and September. I see items I might feed my child once in a while like hamburgers but not every day. During the Reagan era ketchup was declared a vegetable but I thought perhaps naively that things had gotten better with all these drive to get healthy. In fact at the bottom the menu declares in bold letters "Off to" (in an apple) A great Start" I also thought I could control whether or not my daughter ate lunch at school by choosing to give her money. No now they have a new convenient "card swipe system" so my child needs no money at all. It's a heavy burden for a five year old to make healthy choices and I am disappointed but unsurprised that I see so few healthy choices to make. The government rails that kids are fat and then offers them a host of fattening food subsided for $.40 to low income families. When will school meals actually become healthy instead of a victim of special interest groups? When will one of the presidential candidates actually speak up about this issue? I am listening and waiting and I am angry at the hypocrisy.

Here's Monday's lunch menu:

All white meat Chicken Drummies w/Tots Corn Dog (full of fat and nitrates) (some form of deep fried processed meat is offered four days a week one day a week the nuggets are baked whee!)
Reduced fat Pizza (offered twice a week)
Mini Twin Cheeseburger (offered twice a week under a different name)
Turkey (nitrates) and Cheese (processed) on whole wheat (a sad rather soggy sandwich).
Salad mix (a sad affair of iceberg lettuce and a couple carrots - offered twice a week)
Carrot Sticks with ranch dressing
Corn (buttered and heavily salted)
Mixed fruit (a fruit salad drenched in corn syrup - some form of fruit in corn syrup is offered every day)
Offered every day
Apples
Oranges
Bananas

Milk
1% Low Fat
Non Fat Chocolate

Now it's not that I expect the government to understand or value organic produce but to me "Off to a Great Start" implies more than just offering 3 types of fruit every day. What about some pasta? I have yet to meet a child who doesn't love mac and cheese. What about bagels?(Oh but they offer that twice a week at breakfast) along with Cinnamon roll Pancake on a stick and other ways to give your kid a great sugar high for the rest of their day.

Today we had a somewhat disturbing conversation to me. "Is it true that you need to drink three cups of milk a day?" she asked. I blinked a bit. "There's a cow in the cafeteria... A picture of a cow." she added hastily as she interpreted my gimlet gaze as perhaps thinking there was a real cow in the cafeteria. Instead of I confess I was thinking hormones from nonorganic milk. I take a deep breath. Well maybe a little hormones aren't so bad. Then she continues "I love chocolate milk. I dream of chocolate milk in class. I dream everybody except the people are made of chocolate milk."

Sending my oldest child my daughter off to kindergarten brings with it a whole host of worries. Will she enjoy kindergarten and learn? Will she make friends? Will her teacher like her? But all my typical fears have been addressed. She comes home each day excited and happy. But I did not expect to worry about her health.

I have solved this problem by telling her the school cafeteria is completely out of the control of the school. True. That she goes to a wonderful school. But the school lunches are terrible. And the school has no choice in the matter. It works for a five year old. But I think about other parents who go to the school. The one who qualify for the $.40 cent reduced price lunch -- a really low income level. Or even those who are at a slightly higher income level for whom spending $3 for lunch versus spending the money to get a proper lunch is an issue. I think it's fundamentally unfair. I also get angry with people who argue that kids will only eat fat and sugar. Sure that's what they'll eat if that's the only thing on offer.

Friend's blog banned from hospital

2007-09-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Chicago Moms Blogger Mary Anne's blog from my son's hospital. Her blog now contains cute baby pictures,but yes she does write porn.

I'm amused by the idea of a hospital blocking cute baby photos and a bit sad since they do brighten my day.

I understand that the hospital doesn't want people even parents viewing photos of porn in what is essentially a public place. Even in my son's room people walk in and out all the time. I do agree that seeing a porn image without one's consent is sexual harassment and doesn't belong in a hospital, especially a children's hospital. But I read her mommy blog posts only. And I can read this blog and any other Mommy blog to my heart's content and some even talk about *gasp* sex. Ironically Mary Anne recently wrote a post Things I'm Scared to Blog About.

Don't worry Mary Anne. They're much more scared of you. I wish there was a better filtering system. What people *read* on their own PC or laptop is their own business and reading is something one has to make an effort to do while an image is something one can see inadvertently. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Do you think I should be able to read Mary Anne's blog from my son's hospital?

If wishes were dogs

2007-09-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

"If wishes were horses beggars would ride" is an old old saying.

Today I can't help wishing that wishes were dogs. On Tuesday my son will go to the hospital for 1-5 days for testing. A parent has to be there at all times. I can't help wishing my service dog could be there. My dog whom I don't have yet. A dog who could sit there and be a friend to us.

I include no photo since it doesn't matter what the dog looks like as long as the dog is patient and loving and can sit for a while.

But I'd also have to wish for proper training and the right dog for me and my family. A lot of wishes that I can't make true right now. It's just the way things work.

Instead I spend my wishes that my son's stay will be short and relatively sweet.

Little T clocks another hospital stay

2007-09-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

The want of this little thing caused Little T to clock another hospital stay - his shortest to date but it started at 7pm in the ER and ended around 5:30pm the next day.

His g-tube/feeding tube fell out and we didn't notice until the hole had already started to close up. We had a 2-hour window. Poor guy had to have a minor operation to redilate the hole and put another g-tube back in.

This happened within a day or replacing his g-tube which we're supposed to do every 3 months. We're not sure if the g-tube we replaced it with was defective or if our replacement technique didn't inflate the balloon all the way.

C was kinda sick before staying up most of the night and got to spend his birthday in the hospital. Now I'm sick. I actually ran a fever two nights running (unusual for me) and am now (hopefully) getting over it.

We're in the process of weaning Little T off the g-tube and his GI doctor kindly came by to talk to us about ditching it but Little T currently gets a third of calories through there and his GI doctor says that even after complete weaning he like to wait three months before removing the tube just in case.

Oh well.

Apparently a therapy dog came before I arrived and C said Little T was completely uninterested. I would have been interested but I'm also more interested in the dog's role. I think Little T would have appreciated my (future) service dog being there. However he's not that interested in random beings. He's had a lot of that in his life. Nurses and therapists and doctors during his several hospital stays. He's very friendly but beings have to develop a relationship with him. Even the most wonderful therapy dog couldn't do that in the 15 minutes they have to see him.

Madeline L'Engle's time has passed and I regret I never wrote

2007-09-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

With the death of Luciano Pavarotti and Madeline L'Engle two icons of my childhood have died one day apart. Madeline L'Engle was primarily famous for her children's books especially a Wrinkle In Time.

I read her books relatively late in my young reading life. I didn't move to the US until I was nine but I remember Meg well. A Wrinkle In Time was the first book I read about someone who was awkward and angry at a world who didn't accept her but lived in a quirky intellectual family that clearly loved her but didn't always understand her either. Like Meg's family my parents reacted with bafflement that the world didn't appreciate my wit and intellect and in fact teased and derided the very things my parents valued the most about me.

In many English children's books that I read such as The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe or even Harry Potter the parents are absent and I could not relate at all to Judy's Blume. But Meg's parents were so present and yet so helpless to help Meg with her difficulties in school. If my life was a novel or movie the book would have launched a grand scene of understanding between me and my parents. Instead it began a long journey in which like Meg I slowly realized that my parents were flawed people who would need work and understanding to get to a place where they had some idea of who I was.

In college I and some friends actually drove from Philadelphia to Maine to hear L'Engle talk. The two things I remember were how bright the fall leaves were compared to the more drab colors in Philly. And the revelation that L'Engle was also a staunch Christian and writer of adult books. She talked about how God was everywhere. I went outside in nature and I saw deity that day. And began a different journey.

I have few regrets in life but I think one of them is that I never wrote to her and told her the two ways she impacted my life. I don't think much would have come of it but I do believe now in telling people my important truths. I always meant to but I thought I had more time. In college I had classified her as "old" but I didn't realize she was in fact truly old and that she might die if I waited twenty years.

I have not launched a grand campaign to write to my childhood icons but I am more aware now that they could pass away. I'm still working on the more immediate problem of arranging my son's special education but if my blogging causes a small ripple in the universe than I do ask the universe to please let them live just a little longer at least until October when I can think about writing to people about matters other than my immediate family.

Dorma Pavarotti

2007-09-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

Luciano Pavarotti's magnificient voice sleeps forever today. Pavarotti's most famous signature song "Nessun Dorma"(Let no one sleep) was from my favorite opera Turandot. I am sad I will never hear him sing live ever again.

Kindergarten is great but I want to go back to being a baby and grow up again

2007-09-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

Special K is not just attending Kindergarten now but a real person to her teacher among her class of 20. No mean feat in a little under a week but I was not the one who named her Special K. She is the proud recipient of two gold stars and a "Your daughter can read." Why yes she can.

Little T goes everyday and sits and reads with her so in his mind he's going to Kindergarten too.

For the first week she sat and read at the YMCA afterschool program. I was a little concerned she might simply choose to read the entire time. A sign I think of how I had lost my moorings that I worried my daughter had lost her essentially social nature. I think she just choose to adjust to "Spanish Kindergarten" (PC name Dual Immersion) first and then when she was settled in her class then deal with the Y. That is so like her. The other day she put away her book and plunged into all the Y games and activities.

Already at five my daughter sees growing up is a mixed bag. That she has said goodbye to her beloved preschool and she can never go back. She tells me "I want to go back to being a baby and then back to preschool and then again to Kindergarten and round again." I did not really learn this lesson until Special K was half done being a baby and I realised the time had gone by so quickly and in my rush to get out of the sheer drudgery of her day-to-day care I had not appreciated enough her basic good health and just babyness. I did appreciate her as a person and I did relax during breastfeeding.

Oh baby if you only knew if how much I wish I could go back to the good times of your babyhood. Instead I try to appreciate you now. I watched you running so fast in the playground yesterday laughing and hair flying. I hope all your days are as carefree.

No need to hurry

2007-08-31T19:33:00.000-07:00

A few weekends ago I went to a Pool Party with 20 dogs that had graduated from the Canine Companions for Independence (CCI) program or were CCI breeders. They ran around and swam but otherwise there was little incident. Apparently this is highly unusual.

I started looking at photos of CCI dogs again. I do this both as a way to distract myself and also because I'm aware of the countdown until the next Team Training in November. I try to remember the power of taking my time. I realize that for a long time my cat Mori had this role for me in my life. He would sit in my lap and purr and I would sit there and pet him -- slow down. Then my children wanted to be held a lot which I alternately liked and found literally hurtful to my wrists. Little T wants to be held a lot but never for long. Special K sometimes wants a brief hug and has her nightly cuddle but it's also short. I no longer have the 1/2 half "enforced" sit-down of breastfeeding or just holding a nonambulatory child. I think I need it.

Yesterday I sat down in the park with the kids. For the first time since Little T started going to the park I wasn't really in super vigilance mode most of the time. I relaxed because suddenly Little T can play in the 2-5 year old area of the park by himself.

I also note with some irony that the command to tell CCI dogs to relieve themselves is "Hurry" Clearly hurrying is not something a CCI person is expected to do otherwise.

Little T performs wonders again

2007-08-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

I took Little T to his language evaluation and the SLP there pronounced him typical. He still has his problems but apparently he will just get over them with a little help from me and preschool.

I had been coming to the same conclusion myself beginning right after I scheduled this eval. Little T suddenly decided to catch up a whole bunch on language especially in the last month after months of literally halting progress. I decided to keep the eval in case the problems turned out to be therapy worthy since my comparison point is Special K who started talking very early and very often. However my children ever delight in making me look silly.

I still remember my pediatrician asking me at one of Special K's first appointments. "Can she point?" "No" I replied since up until that time she never had. "Where's Elmo?" the ped asked and lo and behold Special K pointed to Elmo like she had been pointing her entire life. My jaw dropped. The pediatrician smiled and checked "Can Point" on her chart.

It's still sinking in to be honest. Right now he's quiet because he's watching tv. Yeah bad mom. TV clearly retards speech. But his speech/language is like his fine motor in his right arm. For a long time he had a depressing litany of delayed delayed in his tests "he needs therapy now(Mom run around and get him some)" and then suddenly he was typical typical typical "Don't worry mom". If his fine motor of his right arm is anything to go by he'll be singing complete songs soon enough. He loves songs and I have to say he can already carry a tune better than his sister. With the right help the healing and resilience of children is truly miraculous.

Fridges and writing

2007-08-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

I went so far as to call Samsung and talked to second tier support aka technical support. After several minutes of back and forth the guy told me with some surprise like "The models today have curved handles." Oh!! I look at Lowes and there is the fridge perhaps of my dreams in all its shiny beauty.

I also realized I've gotten into the bad habit again of telling myself I'm not a writer because I don't write. I do write every single darn day. Most of it is stuff directly for Little T. Letters and plans. Some of it is blogging. Today's writing besides blogging was to write a letter for myself telling Paratransit why it's unrealistic to expect a person with a movement disorder to put in car seats. Then maybe I can actually go places with the kids by myself that is not walking distance of my house. What a concept. At some point I will get through the mound of paperwork needed to get the help Little T and I need to just live our lives. But instead I spent my time on the phone about shiny fridges so someday I can open my fridge door without pain.

Little T pulling a wagon

2007-08-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

Little T has one strong right arm/hand

Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or I have gotten too serious?

2007-08-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Special K has a high tolerance for fantasy violence and death. She used to play World of Warcraft and now she plays Guild Wars with her dad because the online community aspect is limited only to certain areas. She has a low tolerance for real violence and death. She draws a sharp distinction between the two. Whoever said that kids don't understand the difference has not met my child. Classic fairytales are also full of violence and death. Some children are frightened by them and others are not.

I guess how far we'll let her read will depend on how "real" she thinks Harry Potter and his crew are. I'll ask her after the first book. So far she says she "doesn't get" Harry Potter so I guess Harry Potter is still a little above her.

Meanwhile I found it hard to get into reading the seventh book. I skipped to the end and read the last few pages. Very bad I know. For a few days it sat there in all its largeness. I know Harry Potter has big problems but I feel like I have several Voldemorts to deal with and I'm on quest to destroy them before they destroy my son's chance at a good life. Okay overly dramatic but isn't that what the series is all about?

Now I've started reading it and I find it interesting but it doesn't have the same 'must it read' it feel the I had for the other books. Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or am I have gotten too serious? Or is this book just a bit too grim? What appeals to you about Harry Potter? Do you think the last book was as good as the rest? Which is your favorite Harry Potter book? Why do you read seven books of such huge length?

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog on 8/17

More shiny - in fridge form

2007-08-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

We need a new fridge. Our current one hurts my wrists each and every time I open it because it is broken and because the shape of the handles causes my hands to cramp painfully as I grip them. Our current fridge is white not stainless steel. However it's easier to see the handles in this color

A repair person fixed it so it's less broken but still painful and says the handles can't be replaced. It's been this way since we moved in almost six years ago but a new fridge that would actually work for me has 4 doors which is more than I want to pay a fridge. Yes I'm cheap frugal.

Here's the shiny fridge I want to buy. C is currently testing to see if its slightly larger depth will interfere with kitchen traffic. He's pulled our current fridge out by 3 inches. So far I've noticed no difference. C notices slightly but then he moved the fridge.

4 doors good. AFAIK this is the only fridge with 4 doors. There are french door fridges but these have doors on the bottom that I find hard to pull out. The handles are still not quite what I would like as I'd prefer more curved handles but I think the greatly decreased weight of the four doors (plus actually having a fridge that's properly weighted) will
help a lot.

I'd really prefer more curved handles like these. They seem easier to grip. But that's not an option with the quattro fridge.

Borrowed happiness with money

2007-08-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

Rob Brezsny wrote once "Money can't buy you happiness but it can let you borrow it for a while while you figure out to get it for free."

Yesterday we bought me a shiny new laptop. See how it shines. Sturdy magnesium chassis a label stuck next to the touchpad reads. No shiny. Sturdy too.

I used to use my husband C's laptop but its power supply keeps dying and usually it's dead just when I have an hour to write. I must confess that 80% of my writing has been writing stuff for Little T and I mean letters to bureaucrats and doctors on his behalf. The other 20% is blogging. The only way I seem able to write these days is to leave the house entirely away from the numerous Little T letters that keep wanting to be written.

Once away other things ask to be written but I have no laptop. I need to rewrite my picture book. And I have a novel but I have not actually worked on enough to know what is yet. Just who the characters are.

My nonfiction book sits there waiting impatiently to be finished but I tell it that I just can't. We're back in hospital hell. And the book revisits hospital hell in graphic detail. "More fuel for me" the book says in the candid tone it is written. "I think I have enough material and I need a bit more distance." But it will get finished. I just need. Well I'd like to just get the hell out of the hospital.

Tomorrow we will literally spend all day in the hospital with our son who has been deliberately kept awake. Tests will be run. It will probably be hellish. The only bright spot in this otherwise dismal day will be the arrival of our WII. Oh and we bought WII play yesterday and we'll buy another WII game. Ye gods I had no idea these video games systems were so expensive.

Little T turns three next month. For the first time ever we have bought one of those party packages at a party place. Money buys me time and the party we had at the place for bigger kids made Little T happy. It's also a celebration that Little T can actually go to such places.

I also bought a package for Special K for April. She wanted one this year but by the time Little T was clear to attend such places the place was fully booked.

We also test drove a Honda Odyssey and Toyota Sienna. So clear who wins. It's our bid to trade money for the ability for me to drive again. We'll see if it works.

So I'm doing my part to keep the US economy afloat.

And I hope it lets me borrow some happiness for a while. But I would trade it all for better health for Little T. Unfortunately that I can't seem to buy.

Who appointed you to define what I need?

2007-07-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

As you may know I'm on the waiting list for a service dog from Canine Companions for Independence. I thought I was just getting a service dog but I've discovered I've actually joined an entire pack of warm funny terribly earnest and responsible community of CCI people not unlike the dogs themselves I suppose. Anyway blogging and LJ intersects with this community and one of the CCI pack who has a hearing dog included in her LJ this link: Seek Geo asks: "Do deafies need hearing dogs?"

Never being afraid to share my opinion with those who want to read it. I share it here. I do not share it with Seek Geo since I don't think he was asking me but other deafies. I have minor auditory processing issues due to a scar in one ear drum but I think that still makes me a hearie since I can hear well enough not to need a hearing dog or any other hearing assistance device.

I am amused and puzzled and pained by the inherent contradictions in the Seek Geo movie/discussion.

First of all it was kind of Seek Geo to include captions or I wouldn't have been able to understand the movie at all. So on some level Seek Geo acknowledges there's a wide world out there that doesn't use his primary language.

Then I was really really mystified after Karen wrote how her hearing dog saved her life by alerting her to a forklift that was backing up into her and she couldn't hear (obviously) and couldn't see because her back was turned to it. Seek Geo wrote in response something like "Well it was just the one time." To me that speaks of a deep level of denial.

Seek Geo also pains me. I guess in some ways I used to take Seek Geo's attitude that I'm no different than anyone else. My wrists are trashed as a result of it and I have more needs now.

I am all for "I can do everything that an able-bodied person can... just in a different way." I can definitely understand dislike of the term disabled. I used to kinda hate it but now I've come to terms with "special needs". I have special needs whether it be a dog or drugs or more rest or equipment or whatever. That's just not going to change. Even if my jerking stops and my balance improves and my wrists get better. It will be due to my special needs being fulfilled.

I feel alienated from Seek Geo and not because he's deaf but because I feel he comes from the attitude of my parents' generation. "Don't talk about how your needs are different or special even if it means that if your needs aren't accommodated you can't fully participate in society or you may even endanger yourself. Disabled people are in wheelchairs or blind or mentally retarded. Otherwise you are not disabled. Almost getting killed by a forklift because you missed something. Well it's not because you have needs that weren't met. It's because you should have been more careful. You don't need a dog to alert you. You don't need anything except what I say you need. So stop whining like a baby and just take your lumps."

2007-07-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

Very very busy. Long time no write.

I went to a special WWI party hosted by Nintendo and a local mommy blogger called CityMama. Nintendo gave me a special number to call and get a WII. So I bought one. More later.

Still life then onward into battle

2007-07-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

My world was quiet and silent without the kids while they and my husband went camping this weekend. I relaxed a lot and watched a lot of tv. The first thing my husband said when he saw me was "You look refreshed." But oh I missed them so! Their loud calls of "Mama mama!" and their constant need to touch.

And today I plunged back into the stress of dealing with insurance. My husband's company changed insurance yet again. And of course the first time it was all wrong. And of course the wrong code was not for me or for my husband who aren't the ones with tons of authorizations but for the children. Of course my son is the one that has the authorizations.

After several hours I think it may have been sorted out so I can fight the battle of actually getting speech therapy for my son. But the day is not over yet so we shall see.

The night my world was poisoned

2007-07-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

In the quiet while my kids and husband went camping I wrote the night my world was poisoned on Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Special needs playgroup

2007-06-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

Finally last Sunday we made it to the playgroup for the parents and kids of special needs who are on this local email list.

We all had a wonderful time. Another kid with CP who was aged five came over to me. Instant recognition. When Little T was busy elsewhere he wanted me to play with him. I had a loads of fun with him. I knew how to encourage him. When to offer a hand. That a hand on the back is reassuring while allowing him to do it himself. We ran the same sort of trotting run that Little T does. We laughed.

Little T also played on the 4 seat teeter toter which is the best PT and OT device EVER. Two hands required and lots of bouncing.

More riding

2007-06-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I trotted almost the entire time. Something I would not have thought possible a few weeks ago. I now have riding pants which helps a lot.

Louie Louie my horse would hang his head down sometimes both to get a bit of rest and to test how tired I was getting. If I shifted my weight forward because I couldn't handle the way his weight shifted then he stopped but most of the time I just kept on going. Louie also likes slowing down at the gate and so I had to remind him that no we weren't stopping there.

I'm working on sitting up which I don't do a lot of the time and putting my shoulders back. It made my shoulders quite sore. My legs are long most of the time and my back is supple and so are my hands.

I find each time I ride now different muscles get sore. My instructor says it's because I'm learning.

I find also we're shifting into a new balance where I have more confidence so I'm leading Louie around. I am better about shifting my balance when we turn so he doesn't slow down when we turn. He can anticipate that I am asking him to turn as I'm turning him more by shifting my weight than pulling his reins.

My working partnership with my horse

2007-06-26T10:48:00.001-07:00

I'm in a therapeutic riding class with two other women with special needs (and a third who hasn't been showing up lately so I have a lot less to say about her.) These two women ride these other two horses and they work wonderfully together. These horses wouldn't work for me. These women are paraplegic so they need horses that are very steady and slow. They literally need to be hoisted onto the horse with three other people in order to mount. The horse needs to be lined up exactly so sometimes the horse has to go through the mounting blocks several times. The horse I ride tolerates this but he's not great at waiting without a rider on his back. With a rider he'll wait until the cows come home but until he gets a rider he's a bit impatient waiting for someone to please ride him. He need to be walked around and around and around. Other horses don't mind just standing there waiting. In fact they seem to rather enjoy it.

I can mount a horse pretty quickly. I need a horse that can trot and later canter. I also need a horse that is responsive but yet also gives me feedback on how I'm doing. I have a movement disorder so I sometimes jerk so I need a horse that doesn't mind that. Another horse is responsive but also twitches every time I jerk. It makes me nervous so that horse is not a good match.

The horse I'm riding now is a great match for me. After a few times he got to understand what my jerks were and ignored them. As he ignored them I relaxed more and jerked less. I tend to grip too tightly and this horse slows down in response. Other horses pull back with their heads. This is what horses "should do" as pulling too hard does hurt them. And it's a great response for someone else but for me it just leads to a negative feedback loop where I pull tighter. When I loosened my grip and moved my reins with the horse the horse went faster. It taught me fairly quickly to have softer hands and bend my elbows. My instructor had been telling me for months and I'd been steadily improving but there's nothing like direct feedback.

I'm sitting on a blanket so the horse is in close contact with me. He's sensitive to how tired I'm getting or how nervous I feel and will slow down if he feels those things. The horse is "not supposed" to do this. He's "supposed" to stop or slow down when I say so but it worked really well for me when I was learning to trot. I tend to push myself too much. He started out trotting slower which was less comfortable for him but he trots faster now as I can handle it better. This gives me a great sense of security and trust in the horse. I feel more confident. And I've learned a lot faster.

For these two other women this horse wouldn't be a great match as they have little feeling in their lower body and so can not respond to the horse in that area. This horse also tends to trip sometimes quite badly when he's not paying attention. It's never been more than a minor annoyance to me as I can feel when he's about to trip and compensate but for these women they could fall off. And in fact the tripping also lets me know that I need to engage him more and make him use his shoulders which is another weakness I have.

In the first class where I could trot for longer distances I encounted this problem with this other horse that this woman doesn't usually ride. This mare doesn't like my horse a gelding who apparently herds mares in his free time. If my horse got too close then her horse would stop. Did this woman or anyone yell at me and tell me I needed to control my horse better? Or did someone tell this woman who can't kick the horse that she should never allow her horse to stop. Of course not. Someone simply gently pointed out the problem to me. It took me a few tries to get the distance right and learn how to control my horse at a faster speed but we worked it out.

My instructor told me this horse used to ride with a girl who had brain cancer and he took care of her in much the same way. Even though fortunately I don't have brain cancer we're similar enough in the way we ride that he understands what I need.

This horse has strengths and weakness and so do I. This horse is a great match for me and a wonderful horse in the program. But I would not recommend this horse to everyone. For another person with different needs this horse would be absolutely terrible. For me he's absolutely wonderful. He has taught me so much in the few weeks I've ridden him than I've learned from riding other horses in the past 9 months. I really love this horse. He was in a demonstration show with another rider and I felt so extremely proud of him.

I hope this horse and I will be riding together for a while. But if I ride another horse I will have to learn to ride him or her and she or he will have to learn to be my rider. Some horses will be a great match and some won't.

Lead paint hazard for Thomas and Friends wooden railway toys

2007-06-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

The CPSC web site lists all the trains included in the recall.

I'm outraged that toys so heavily marketed and EXPENSIVE contain lead paint.

Special K's first loose tooth

2007-06-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

Special K has a loose tooth. I'm afraid that C and my initial reaction was "Isn't she too young to have a loose tooth?" A little anxiety as I google "age lose teeth"

The first entry was alarming about a 5 year old losing her teeth and the answer was "Something's wrong with her teeth. Check with a dentist."

Second entry was more soothing and said kids lose their first tooth about 5-6. Special K turned 5 in April. And it's from Parents magazine which would seem a more reliable source.

So no need to panic.

But I still think she's too young.

For her first couple years I was in such a hurry for her to grow up. Now I'm constantly thinking "Slow down! It's too fast!" But of course she grows at her own pace.

First swimming lesson

2007-06-07T12:07:00.001-07:00

Today Little T had his first swimming lesson along with Special K. He wanted me with him in the water. I forgot my bathing suit. So I just stepped in with my clothes. He kicked a lot and had a wonderful time. Special K had initial trouble with the kick board but the lessons from last summer seem to be coming back.

The pool was a warm 90 degrees. Outside was alternately warm and freezing when the wind blew.

I climbed out soggy and wet and a couple people stared. There wasn't really anything to stare at since I fortunately wore clothes that were not see-through when wet. Wet clothes are not a big deal since I was going right home. Slightly cold though.

Somehow this seems a strange metaphor for my life. I am never quite prepared and yet I plunge in anyway.

Reading is scary and unregulated

2007-06-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

When my daughter turned four she asked begged me to learn to read. I'm a big reader myself. I had this inkling that maybe it was kinda young but she was really eager. We started off kinda haltingly as I tried phonics without success. Then we figured out she was more of a sight reader. By the time she turned five she could pick up a picture book and read it.

She also wanted to learn to write so I got her some writing workbooks. Through writing she's learning phonics. I found the workbooks vary a lot in quality. Some have directions that *I* found hard to understand. I recommend Spectrum which you can buy at Amazon or Borders.

Now she's a reader. She reads to herself all the time. She goes to the library and checks out tons of books. She really prefers books "with a picture on every page" aka picture books. As I've discovered the reading level on picture books varies a great deal and she can read all of them.

I've also discovered that I can no longer read my email in front of my daughter. No I don't get porn or anything but the odd Cialis ad makes it through my spam filter. Once my daughter walked up to the screen at just the right moment as I was deleting spam. She asked "Mommy why are you getting email about pills?" Long pause while I try to think of a truthful answer that doesn't get into much detail. "Well honey it's a commercial (we've talked about commercials before) They think I might want those pills but I really don't need them." "Oh" she said and walked away. Now I don't read email in front of her unless I know who it's from and what it's about.

The other day I talked to a librarian about my daughter's sticking to picture books. I wondered if it was okay. She said "Sure. Picture books go all the way from preschool to sixth grade in both reading level and content." I nodded my head. The librarian gave me a really serious look. She said "You need to be careful with these early readers. They can start reading subject matter that they have no idea how to deal with." I nodded my head thinking of Cialis. She looked even more serious. "You need to read the book before you let her read it."

I must have looked confused. I do watch an episode of every show I allow my kids to watch. I vetoed "Jon and Kate plus Eight" because those parents just snipe at each other constantly. They just seem so stressed to have eight kids with no other help. But picture books? I mean they're just picture books. Right?

The librarian walked me over to the picture book section. She gave me this book called The Tin Heart. The cover had a sweet picture of two girls and a tin heart with two pieces. I skimmed the beginning of the book. It started out innocently enough. Two girls in the Civil War. The father of one made a tin heart and gave each of the girls half of the heart. It talked a lot about their impending separation. All sweet and sad. Just at my daughter's level.

Then suddenly with no warning in the middle of the book.....runaway slaves. Now I understand slavery is part of the Civil War and part of our nation's history. And someday I will explain slaves to my daughter. And genocide. And torture. And Vietnam. And Guantanamo. But she's only five. She's still having trouble with the concept of "I won't be your friend anymore."

To say I was shocked is compare slavery to "I won't be your friend anymore." I was calling my husband on the phone as soon as I was home alone and babbling incoherently to him. It's not that I think picture books must cover subject matter appropriate to a five year old. It's that I expected there to be some warning. Some indication that the content is other than for preschoolers.

For example another book called Team Mates had on the cover an African American man in a baseball uniform and a white man in a baseball uniform. On the back it contained words like "segregation" and the "Negro Baseball Leagues". I skimmed that book and it talked about segregation and how there were two leagues and such. Nothing about slavery. As the sister of a special needs brother my daughter already unfortunately knows that sometimes people are mean to other people just because of the way they look or act. I told her she could read that one with a grownup.

Anyway I want to thank that librarian for giving me an education. You can bet that I'll be reading skimming all my daughter's books until I feel she's old enough to deal with any subject matter that might come up.

Even chapter books that feature sweet photos of a fluffy dog are not five-year-old safe. The back merely said it was about a dog from the pound and some sort of mystery. Midway through the book another dog dies. I asked my daughter if she wanted to read a book about a dog that dies. "No" she said firmly. That book went away too.

I'm also a little angry. I ask myself why books for kids aren't rated. I personally find reading and then imagining something to be infinitely more scary than anything I could watch or hear. I think it's because books are undervalued.

Don't get me wrong. I think the rating system for visual and aural media is far from perfect. I still have to watch/hear it before I'll give it to my daughter. However right there on the cover I have a good idea of what I might be getting into. I don't have to go halfway through before I realize "not appropriate".

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

My daughter's stardom leaves me frazzled while American Idol makes me feel maternal

2007-05-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my daughter was proclaimed a star... at her preschool. The whole thing filled me with anxiety. It combines all the mom things I totally suck at --producing crafts and baked goods. Last year I at least got to do something I'm good at -- read a story. But this year my daughter took over that role and read a book to the class. Yes I'm really proud of her that she can read. But let's talk about ME!

First and biggest anxiety was to produce a poster of my daughter's life. I thought the first part will be easy. I'm tech savvy like many Silimom and so I figure I can upload photos to Costco and get them printed. I learned the hard way that printing photos yourself sucks up oodles of my time and produces worse photos.

But the Costco website wouldn't take my password and wouldn't email me my password. I felt doomed. I can't even succeed at the one part I thought I could cover. I panic and start to write this post. As I'm writing FINALLY the password arrives. I felt like a total idiot because my password is completely stupid. I change my password to something less stupid. Since I've just publicly announced I have an account at Costco.

The poster turned out to be pretty good. It helps that my daughter can cut things herself now. I actually can't cut properly. Ironically using scissors to cut out shapes is one of the tests for Kindergarten Readiness. Good thing neither Bryn Mawr nor Haas asked me for this test. :)

But another star moment for my daughter was when she sang in the Assembly at preschool. She knew all the words and all the motions and she sang her little heart out. But again I had the anxiety of trying to capture the moment on camera and not doing so well at that either.

Which brings me back to American Idol. I already blogged about several reasons why the show appeals to me. But I had forgotten that one big appeal for me is that I feel proud and maternal in a lesser but similar when "my idols" do well. Maybe one of the reasons I like Sanjaya so much is that he sorta reminds me of my brother at the same age. And Melinda just seemed so sweet. Okay I'm not quite old enough to be Melinda's mother unless I had her as a young teen. Even so.

During those weeks I got to be a proud stage mama with no real consequences and very little of the anxiety. Yes I'm sad that neither Melinda nor Blake won. But all I had to do was call a few times on the phone. I did call for an hour and a half with Blake for the finale. I knew it was a losing battle. Jordin just outsang him that night. But I did what I thought was right. I'm sure they'll all do fine.

I suspect I will buy Blake's album to hear what he does with his songs but I doubt I'll go to any top ten Idol's concert. It would sorta ruin the illusion for me that they're my kids. Yes I'm the Paula Abdul sort of watcher. So sue me. But please don't break my nose.

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

300 Calorie meal

2007-05-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

After looking at photos of 300 calorie meals I think that's about how much I naturally eat at breakfast and lunch at home. That's about what my mother served me. Other than pregnancy the only time I've gained weight was when I dated someone who was fat and we ate out a lot. Then I figured out I didn't need to eat the entire portion of a huge American restaurant meal.

Eating a restaurant meal portion makes me feel horribly full but it often sneaks up on you. So I didn't feel extremely full until after the restaurant. I heard a fat person on Oprah say that she loves that feeling when you feel the need to loosen your pants and if you eat any more you might be sick. I really hate it.

Now at a restaurant I just tell myself as the plate is being put down "I can eat only half" of however much seems like a reasonable amount.

We have started eating out more because restaurants do serve higher calorie items that Little T likes like "burger fries." I eat less because the food has higher calories and therefore makes me feel more full.

Like today we ate at a deli. The bread is the same I would eat but a lot more salami and cheese and little mayo and mustard than I would eat on a sandwich at home. I ate half of the sandwich plus one bite. I also ate about 7 fat fries. I still feel full 2 hours later though not nauseatingly full. My husband ate the rest of my sandwich and part of his meal and some fries. He is gaining weight on this "new diet."

I have read research that people have a "set weight point." I think that's actually a simplistic answer. I think rather people have differing

tolerance of fat - I just can't eat too much fat. It makes me feel full.
the way foods taste aka food preferences - I can taste red no 5 and other artificial ingredients. They taste a little weird. I can't stand the taste of diet coke. I naturally prefer fresh meat and vegetables cooked simply. I hate preserved things. I have a friend who is the opposite and would choose diet coke and cheezits over stirfry any day of the week. I think McDonalds food tastes gross.
amount of food needed to feel full - my husband clearly has a higher set point than I do
feelings about being over full - my husband and I both hate it
rate of conversion of excess calories to fat - I do not gain weight easily. I think this also varies by body part. Any weight I do gain goes to my belly first then my breasts and then my face. My arms and legs remain the same. To gain weight during pregnancy I had to force myself to eat several times a day. Not eating caused my nausea to be worse. In the first part of both pregnancies I actually dropped a few pounds.
rate of conversion of fat to muscle/energy - In most areas of my body I am pretty static. I still have a fat belly from pregnancy. Otherwise I have dropped back down to my prepregnancy weight. I think I could work really hard to get rid of this belly fat but it would be very difficult. It has slowly gone down over time but very slowly.
rate of metabolism - my metabolism is pretty high. It has slowed down since I was a teen and I think pregnancy slowed it down further.
amount metabolism is affected by exercise and amount and type of exercise needed - I find I need to walk everyday to be happy. Faster exercise also makes me happy but I get "the runner's high" or feelings of well being just from walking. I walk fairly fast on my own but often I walk with kids. However when I can't walk due to injury I gain a few pounds which I drop after I start walking again. Oprah says she needs to work out an hour a day to keep her current weight. I just don't have time to do that.
ability to do a task over time that has long-term benefits - My ability to do this is low if it's just for myself but I'll do anything for my family.

I think people who are fat most likely have the "gain fat" side of many if not all these factors. Both of my parents come from a long line of people who were well-fed their entire lives i.e they lived in prosperous farming communities. With a constant supply of food the body reacts differently and there are different selection pressures.

Few people except Jared Diamond talk about how a culture's access to food resources affects its ability to expand. I would say that coming from a heritage that includes low and inconsistent access to food promotes genes that all lead to being fat in a culture that has consistent access to very high calorie foods.

I guess what I'm saying is yes my observable weight point is set lower than many Americans and I exercise less than the recommended amount. I don't do a lot of hard exercise like going to the gm. In fact when I did the most time at the gym I was also gaining weight from restaurant food. My BP etc is all low. It's just from following my natural tendencies.

I think someone like Oprah who comes from a background of slaves and before that prolly hunter-gatherers has all the factors to make her fat. With a lot of hard work she overcame her natural tendencies to get to a lower weight. I think other fat people could do the same if they had the resources and time of Oprah. Some fat people do and some don't.

But I think saying "everyone has a set weight point" or "everyone can be an ideal body weight if they only followed my lifestyle changes" misses the point.

At this point in my life if I had to do what Oprah did to maintain my current weight I would be fat. I don't have the time to exercise an hour a day or rather I feel my family needs that hour more. I can often walk with my family. I just eat what I like when I like. I don't spend time craving foods that are bad for me. I don't deny myself much in the way of food. Yes I love chocolate but in moderation. But I also don't think I need to be worth a billion dollars to have Oprah's genes and not be fat. I just need the time and resources.

At my current socioeconomic level I guess I could force myself into weight loss lifestyle changes if both my children were functionally school-age. Not true for me now. I don't know if I would want to. I prolly might if I was convinced I would die too young. I dunno.

Becoming more like House MD

2007-05-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

I want to live in the world of House MD where most medical mysteries are solved in an hour. I'd like to think of myself as Cameron. Though to be honest I'm more like Foreman. I'm a scrappy minority. I really do care but in a medical crisis I'm very detached. My exploits in high risk medical deduction and bizarre medical conditions are confined to my son. But that's enough for me.

But sadly my life resembles House more than any of the other doctors. I deal with constant pain every day although it's in my wrists and not my leg. I took Vicodin for a few months when I broke my toe. But I'm off it now. House says "antidepressants make me fuzzy." Vicodin makes me fuzzy.

But without Vicodin, it seems I must add a new way to identify myself as House. I must use a cane. I doubt I'll go for a cane with flames as House did. But my cane will be cool in some way. I'll show pictures when I've chosen it. Like House, I need a cane to help prevent myself from falling.

Prekids I sprained my ankle about once a year and limped around on crutches or a cane for several months. Annoying but manageable. My neurologists told me that "hypermobile ankles" are part of my rare movement disorder, myoclonic dystonia. I just figured it was something I was stuck with like the jerking.

Then my son started receiving regular physical therapy and then finally walking at 2 years old. And I noticed that like me, my son had moments of great balance and then he'd suddenly fall down. At first falling down involved "a lot of head hits ground". Any sort of hit on the head resulted in massive egg bruises on his forehead due to low platelets. His hematology doctor said he was okay falling down walking, but if he fell from any height he ran the risk of brain bleed. Needless to say I watched him very very carefully.

I developed a sort of safe distance to watch. If I hovered over him he got annoyed. I and his nanny noticed he fell more when tired. I also noticed he fell when distracted or when moving from one surface to another. That's exactly how I stumble and sprain my ankle.

Prekids I used to hike on rough terrain and occasionally ski. Never a sprained ankle. I was being careful. I sprained my ankle or torn liagments

stepping down from my house to my garage
walking onto fake rocks near the Stanford barn without noticing
tripping over a gouge in the sidewalk shortly after receiving a flu shot
stumbling while pregnant - okay I think being clumsy comes with being pregnant

I broke my toe tripping over my daughter while my ankle was still recovering from a sprain.
I stumble a lot less with my son, because I have to be a lot more conscious of where he's going. I have never once stumbled while holding my kids.

But Little T's rapidly moving out of the "must watch with constant vigilance or he will hurt himself" stage. His platelets are normal. He has perfected the trot. My body already knows I need to be less careful. Today I stumbled and knocked against him and he merely swayed a little. A few months ago he would have fallen on his head. I was so proud of him. And sad that he needs me less in that physical way.

So I need something new to watch out for. A new baby would solve the issue but has other costs. We're fine with two kids. A cane will do. It will "provide additional sensory input."

I'm on the waiting list for a service dog from Canine Companions for Independence. So at some point I will have another creature to look after. One that I will always need to keep track of. Then I can ditch the cane and I will be less like House again. Being a big fan of House, I know that House kept a dog for a couple episodes. A very poorly behaved dog that chewed up everything even his Vicodin. House could probably use a service dog, but I'm not sure which organization would take him.

Why I love American Idol: an embodiment of American values

2007-05-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm definitely what we'd call in Silicon Valley a "late adopter" to the whole American Idol thing. This is my first season ever watching any episode of the show. But I guess blogging about it several times and watching every single episode this season makes me a fan now. I blame Jill for the blogging part. Her hatred of Sanjaya prompted me to write my first blog about American Idol: Sanjaya makes me laugh.

Okay maybe blogging does not a fan make. But what makes me a fan is American Idol embodies some American cultural values (both good and bad)

* Absolute faith in the democratic process. The people decide who wins
* Glorification of entertainment and the entertainment industry
* Belief that individuals can make a difference not only by voting but in huge problems like poverty by voting and donating their money - Idol Gives Back
* Like the idea that "anyone can be president" (some restrictions apply), "anybody can be the Next American Idol(TM)" (some restrictions apply)
* Entertainment covering entertainment
* The belief that you can know someone's heart from watching them on tv, even though you have never met them.

And since I'm a fan, I know the show started in the UK, but it has really taken off here. I had shied away from American Idol for years, because I thought it was only about entertainment, and silly at that. And I still feel we get carefully packaged versions of these singers, but after all that's entertainment. It's the moral values that kept me coming back. And as an import from the UK myself, I think that makes me an American to believe that a show about entertainment can have morals.

The week Sanjaya stopped being entertaining and I stopped voting for him, he got voted off. Even my 5 year old daughter wouldn't watch him that week. I sorta miss Phil and his big blue soulful eyes, but he's not a good a singer as some of the others. And as for Chris, there's only so much Boy Band a girl can take.

I like the Final Four. I still want Melinda to win. She combines both a wonderful voice and a lot of heart and delivers it week after week. Plus my 2 year old son still screams like a groupie whenever he hears her sing. But Blake comes a close second. He makes every single song his own. Jordin has a great voice and great potential, but sometimes does seem young and misses in her performances. And LaKisha sometimes just blows me away with those pipes of hers, but other weeks, her heart doesn't seem to be in her songs.

Baby Orange

2007-05-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I foolishly agreed to let the kids toss their balls into goldfish bowls to win a goldfish. I figured they'd never actually get the ball into the bowl so no goldfish. I was right. The kids missed entirely. I was wrong. They each got goldfish anyway.

My son insisted on carrying his home and the fish had a very rough ride. My daughter somehow had two in the same plastic cup and asked Daddy to carry both home.

We put all three in a giant pickle jar with filtered water. My son's fish barely moved. Within an hour it was floating on its side. My husband touched it lightly with a stick and it rallied briefly and swam a little. Then it started floating again. My husband tried fish CPR which consists of flowing (filtered) water over the fish. The fish just lay there.So we sent it to the big white drain in the sky.

Within twenty-four hours the other fish started floating and it too went to the big drain. My daughter rewrote history and said both were her brother's. My son didn't seem to notice that two fish were gone. My daughter named the remaining fish ~~Little~~ Baby Orange. She insists it's a she.

Baby Orange swam about vigorously and ate as much as she could. After a week we decided that Baby Orange might make it. So yesterday we bought Baby Orange stuff:

Baby Orange $1

10-gallon tank $9.99

gravel $6.99

power filter $12.99

water conditioner $3.79

bacterial supplement $3.79 (adds good bacteria to break down fish wastes)

net $1.79

ornamental bridge that my son grabbed and broke $11.99

Fish pellets $6.99

Having Baby Orange is priceless. I don't know why this little fish makes me happy. But I feel like I'm getting to know...a feeder fish. She was clearly so excited to get into her new tank that she kept swimming against the bag.

Over twenty years ago my sister brought home Edward a feeder goldfish from a fair. Edward is huge and too big for his tank. His eyes are popped out and he can't see. However he still lives on at my parents' house.

I'm a little concerned about our family's ability to feed a creature that doesn't ask for food. We have killed many plants. But unlike a plant, Baby Orange is very active. She swims around a lot. I ~~think~~ hope that's good. I do like watching her. Her resilient spirit reminds me of my son's. Both have survived against the odds. I also find the soft flow of the pump strangely soothing.

Keeping a feeder goldfish won at a fair is an act of faith. I make no predictions for Baby Orange's future, but I'm enjoying her while she's here.

Migraine bright burning spikes in my brain

2007-05-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I experienced the worst migraine I have ever had. I explained a migraine to my husband as "super hangover combined with the nasty aspects of being drunk". At least I often feel and sound incoherent and it's hard for me to move without throwing up. Replax didn't seem to help much but Replax and Ibuprofen got me to the point where I could stand the voices of my children.

I put them in front of the tv downstairs and I moaned upstairs until my husband came home. I completely missed my daughter's potluck for incoming Kindergarteners. I'd been looking forward to it.

Little T expressed him so loudly to my migraine ears. I asked him to speak more softly. "No speak softly." he screamed at me and bright burning spikes flashed in my brain. I chuckled a little that he chose now to express himself now. That hurt my head too. The day before I'd half written a post about my concern about his lack of expression. Now I wanted him mute again.

I asked Special K to whisper and she was so sweet. I also asked her not turn the light in the bathroom that shone so brightly in my bedroom. My husband turned on the one further away. Even in the middle she remembered. She came and whispered and turned on the further away light.

Just now I saw a little shooting star on my computer screen. So pretty but a warning sign. So I must get off the computer now.

Blogging Against Disabilism Day: Are you or have you ever been insane?

2007-04-30T18:45:00.001-07:00

A parent on my Special needs list sent a story about Depression in Mothers with Autism. Perhaps some of these mothers are truly depressed. But depression would make it very difficult to care for a child with autism. Depression is a mental illness -- an incorrect biochemical neurological response to stresses in the environment.

More than once, a friend who suffers from depression has said I'm depressed about my special needs son. I am not...anymore. I get sad sometimes. That is different. My life is stressful by any objective measure. And I think it is reasonable to be upset when you are the parent of a child has a debilitating disability or deal with one yourself.

Unfortunately I've also been medically depressed twice in my life. I had post-partum depression after the birth of both my kids.

I can't speak for anyone else, but depression feels different from grief or sadness. When I was depressed,I actually felt very little except hopeless. My post-partum depression was actually worse the first time after my healthy daughter was born and lasted several months. I felt I was the worst mother ever, not only disabled, but also just completely incompetent. At any moment, the state would discover I was "an unfit mother" and take my daughter away. If I did something right, it was only because of some book or someone else. If I did something wrong, it was the end of the world. I can see how for a few mothers who go for a long time without help, the end of the world might mean killing their own children. They are insane, but post-partum depression is a form of mental illness.

With my son, who was born so sick, being depressed meant feeling he was going to die (could be true) and I had killed him through my inaction (insane). Unlike with my daughter my situation was so dire that it was obvious I needed help.

I think this is the first time I have written this in public. The day my son was born, I did seriously consider dying. Not actual suicide. Just giving up. My son's birth had been very difficult and I was incredibly weak, so I felt I could just let go. But within hours after my son was born, a nurse whose baby had died came to talk to me. She helped me realized that a) I might just survive the death of my son and b) I still had a daughter who needed me. She didn't break the insanity --the feeling that I was completely to blame for everything wrong with my son took a while to fade. She did get me to promise to talk. She told me I was not a bad person to feel the way I did. That I didn't need to be ashamed. I started talking with her and then my husband, and eventually when I had time, I talked to a therapist. Day by day, issue by issue, I started to feel less to blame and eventually I could separate what was under my control and what wasn't.

I still feel grief or sad when my son is very sick, or something else
bad happens like my son gets denied a service or he or I suffers a setback. But depressed, no. I don't just sit there and stare at a wall. I cry and then I do something.

My reactions are sane as can be expected, given insane circumstances. My mothering body was designed to rally to protect my children from predators and try to treat them when they're sick for a few days. It doesn't cope terribly well with continued prolonged almost dying (fortunately that phase seems behind us), a infancy that lasted a year and some aspects of babyhood that are still ongoing at 2.5 years old. This is a wonderful and dreadful aspect of modern medicine. I have to laugh a little at those who claim the body can heal itself from all things. Left to his own device, or heck even left in a third world country, my son would have died at birth. Terribly sad, some might say depressing in the nonmedical sense, but it is the truth. Clinical depression is about untruth.

And no, I don't always feel things will get better. Sometimes this is in fact a rational
response. The doctors tell me some things will never get better. Depending on the day, I believe them or don't. But even in my darkest days, I feel small fleeting moments of happiness. I walk outside in the sunshine. My family hugs me. I feel love. I get frustrated. Grief, even grief that lasts for a long time allows for fleeting moments of other feelings. Grief is harder than not feeling at all and inaction which characterized depression for me. I struggle every day to try to make things better.

And here's where I find our current approach to mental illness to be so twisted. Our current approach is focused on if people "pose a threat to self or others." That is our requirement for locking people up. That makes sense to me. But how about the majority who are mentally ill, but not a threat i.e. need outpatient therapy? The first time when my post-partum depression was worse and lasted a lot longer, I posed no threat to anyone. Months went by and I sufferedin silence.

A lot of hand wringing over Vtech is about how Cho didn't get help. He did get help. He was seen by an outpatient facility who let him go "because he didn't pose a threat to others."

Sadly I think the current atmosphere makes it LESS likely, folks will get help for mental illness. People are watched closely for signs that they might "be a threat." Meanwhile outpatient mental health services are cut all the time. Most medical insurance drastically limit mental health benefits.

Unfortunately it's much harder to tell if someone is a threat than if someone is mentally ill. Strangely as my psychiatrist dad will tell you, becoming a mass murderer requires a certain amount of sanity, Cho did a lot of preplanning. He even sent off a tape before his second murder spree. In our society, premeditation means that the person is sane to stand trial. It requires an utter disregard of other people's lives to the point where you think you have the right to kill them. I'm not sure if that is sane or not, and it may well be associated with other forms of insanity, but it is not depression or schizophrenia or any of the other common forms of mental illness.

Yes, a few moms with post-partum depression actually kill their own kids. More likely are the moms who have fleeting thoughts about killing their own kids along with themselves and then feel awful about it, and the spiral down continues. And I know a call to watch out for moms with post-partum depression, because they might kill their kids would be so effective at getting moms to speak up about it. NOT.

Sadly the usual face of mental illness is not Cho. The face of mental illness is a homeless person talking to the air. Many homeless people have mental illnesses. A person who won't get out of bed for days because "there is no point". A mom who says "I can't love my baby." A mom who feels "I am the world's worst mother" and not for a moment as we all do sometimes, but for days and weeks. A person who feels pleasure in nothing. A person who honestly believes that there are strange faces peering out at from doorknobs and laughing. A person who feels that everyone is plotting against them. A person who is too scared of open spaces to leave the house. With the current stigma against mental illness, many are too ashamed to admit they have a problem until things get very bad indeed.

I have only experienced mental illness for a brief time and I was ashamed about it. I still feel a bit embarrassed to admit that I ever had this disability. And yet having post-partum depression was no more my fault than my movement disorder is. Both involve brain issues. With post-partum depression my brain just got scrambled due to hormones.

For me, a large part of that shame comes from "I'm not one of those who pose a threat." It's like admitting to having leftist tendencies while the McCarthy trials against Communism were going on. The huge association between mental illness and "being a threat". I would like to say that I feel this is totally and utterly wrong for most people and especially for those who receive the proper treatment. I'm not a doctor, but from what I read, it does not match the current medical understanding of mental illness either.

But yes, twice I've been truly insane. My strong beliefs about the world, my children, and myself were in direct opposition to reality. My insanity was only temporary, and I'm so grateful. Are you or have you ever been insane too?

Will be crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Gratitude journal

2007-04-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to think what to do with this blog. I have my LJ. It's where I started and where I feel most comfortable. I have a little community there. Here I don't...at least not yet.

But I realized this blog has a place. I tend to record more negative things than positive because I tend to focus on the positive. I record the negative so as to lay my burden down. I think this gives a skewed version of my life. I don't care so much about that since no blog can capture the complexity of a person's life. What I do care about though is that I don't have the greatest memory. I want to record the everyday things that make me happy.

I also find myself falling into the pattern of my parents. When people ask me about my kids I talk about problems or funny things. I find it hard to say to others that I really really really adore my kids although I tell them all the time. I guess it's a lot better than the other way around. So in this blog I will try to record the things I'm grateful for.

Thanks for Autism Awareness month

2007-04-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

To the people and parents living with autism, thank you for the gifts you've given me and my son!

My son and I don't have autism. But we're part of the special community lovingly called special needs. Your battles have give me several gifts. And for Autism Awareness month, I wanted to thank you and all those who have fought alongside me.

1. Thank you for showing the world that just because you move or act differently from most of the world, you are still a human being with intelligence and feelings.

I have a movement disorder. When I was a young child, I was diagnosed as mentally retarded by top neurologists. My parents knew otherwise. Top neurologists told them "You're just overachievers who can't accept your child as she is." Ironically my mom grew up with a sister who had Down Syndrome. So she knew a face of mental retardation. And gazing into my eyes, she knew that I was smart and told me so.

At school, kids regularly called me "stupid" and "retard" and "spastic". Only two teachers told me I was smart. I knew I was smart, but I also knew I perceived the world differently. It was not until I was 16 that a neurologist said "Of course you're intelligent. You have a movement disorder (a new exciting field at the time)." It wasn't until high school that two kids told me I was smart and treated me that way. My dad just said "Wait until college." Finally in college, everyone treated me as intelligent. It was a novel experience.

But it's a different world for my son. Lying in the NICU, extremely sick, I knew my son was intelligent and warm. He made a real effort to gaze into my eyes, though I could tell he was a huge effort for him to focus through the extreme pain. The day he was born, his nurse said "He's so engaging. He's a smart one." From that day, various nurses, doctors and therapists have all said similar things. He has multiple delays including speech, gross motor and fine motor.

He has come a long way, but no, he does not move or talk like a typical child. He also wears a bright red wrist brace and his left arm usually hangs stiff at an awkward angle. But he lives in a different world than I did. I'm amazed by my son's confidence and ability to engage people. Yesterday in the park, he sat with two boys prolly 8 and 10 and played in the sand right next to them. Everyone seemed comfortable. That was something I never had. Thank you boys, and thank you parents of those boys. And thanks to all those who worked so hard to change the world to make this possible.

2. Thank you for teaching me and the rest of the world how to better talk about disabilities. Thanks for standing up loud and proud. My parents came from the old school where we didn't talk about my disability. My parents still don't use that word. They call it my "shake" (I don't shake). I know it comes from a place of love. A place where admitting disability means shame. A place where they want me to live a normal a life as possible. I knew this and I never told my parents about the teasing. It was a pain I kept to myself. And I have greatly exceeded the doctors' predictions, so my parents did many things right. I know if they were parenting today, they would do things differently. They treat my son differently. We live in a different world.

3. Thank for pointing out that there is both joy and pain in having a child with life-long disabilities. You'd think that I'd have an easier time of it having an unrelated disability. But I struggle sometimes to tell the truth. I struggle because like my parents, I want so much for folks to see the joy, the intelligence, the incredible resilience of my son. He has taught me so much. But he also has his challenges. I want to say like any other child, because every child has challenges. But his challenges loom larger and are more serious than most children.

4. Thank you for sharing. Thanks to you, I have learned so many things about myself and my son. I have learned about a lot different resources in Silicon Valley. Thanks to you, my son has lots of therapy that has drastically improved his life. I take therapeutic riding which has improved my balance and wrist movement. I'm also on the waiting list for a service dog. I have learned about the world of sensory issues which many kids on the autism spectrum deal with as well as my son and me.

5. Thank you for the gift of hope and showing me a path to greater freedom. I've had hope for my son since the day he was born. But before I met you, I thought I was the way I was. I could not change in my late thirties. My wrists were degenerating every day. I kept spraining my ankle every year.

6. Thanks for teaching me a whole new vocabulary and different ways of perceiving the world. I learned these words for my son, but they have actually helped me a lot more. Thanks to you, I've been able to use the right words to talk about my issues. Before I stumbled around literally and figuratively and therapists said "We can't help you." Now they offer me exercises and suggestions. I have noticed a small difference. I jerk a little less. I hurt myself less by thwacking my hand on things. I stumble less. I have not fallen down in a month. It's a start to a long journey. I'm so grateful that I know I can change. And I'm still learning about myself. Thank you so much.

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Wow I got an award

2007-04-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks Susan Ettinger! Susan of the Family Room gave me a Thinking Blogger award for my post on Silicon Valley Moms blog called Mommy Wars miss the point I link it because the comments are interesting.