Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or I have gotten too serious?

Special K has a high tolerance for fantasy violence and death. She used to play World of Warcraft and now she plays Guild Wars with her dad because the online community aspect is limited only to certain areas. She has a low tolerance for real violence and death. She draws a sharp distinction between the two. Whoever said that kids don't understand the difference has not met my child. Classic fairytales are also full of violence and death. Some children are frightened by them and others are not.

I guess how far we'll let her read will depend on how "real" she thinks Harry Potter and his crew are. I'll ask her after the first book. So far she says she "doesn't get" Harry Potter so I guess Harry Potter is still a little above her.

Meanwhile I found it hard to get into reading the seventh book. I skipped to the end and read the last few pages. Very bad I know. For a few days it sat there in all its largeness. I know Harry Potter has big problems but I feel like I have several Voldemorts to deal with and I'm on quest to destroy them before they destroy my son's chance at a good life. Okay overly dramatic but isn't that what the series is all about?

Now I've started reading it and I find it interesting but it doesn't have the same 'must it read' it feel the I had for the other books. Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or am I have gotten too serious? Or is this book just a bit too grim? What appeals to you about Harry Potter? Do you think the last book was as good as the rest? Which is your favorite Harry Potter book? Why do you read seven books of such huge length?

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog on 8/17

More shiny - in fridge form

We need a new fridge. Our current one hurts my wrists each and every time I open it because it is broken and because the shape of the handles causes my hands to cramp painfully as I grip them. Our current fridge is white not stainless steel. However it's easier to see the handles in this color

A repair person fixed it so it's less broken but still painful and says the handles can't be replaced. It's been this way since we moved in almost six years ago but a new fridge that would actually work for me has 4 doors which is more than I want to pay a fridge. Yes I'm cheap frugal.

Here's the shiny fridge I want to buy. C is currently testing to see if its slightly larger depth will interfere with kitchen traffic. He's pulled our current fridge out by 3 inches. So far I've noticed no difference. C notices slightly but then he moved the fridge.

4 doors good. AFAIK this is the only fridge with 4 doors. There are french door fridges but these have doors on the bottom that I find hard to pull out. The handles are still not quite what I would like as I'd prefer more curved handles but I think the greatly decreased weight of the four doors (plus actually having a fridge that's properly weighted) will
help a lot.

I'd really prefer more curved handles like these. They seem easier to grip. But that's not an option with the quattro fridge.

Borrowed happiness with money

Rob Brezsny wrote once "Money can't buy you happiness but it can let you borrow it for a while while you figure out to get it for free."

Yesterday we bought me a shiny new laptop. See how it shines. Sturdy magnesium chassis a label stuck next to the touchpad reads. No shiny. Sturdy too.

I used to use my husband C's laptop but its power supply keeps dying and usually it's dead just when I have an hour to write. I must confess that 80% of my writing has been writing stuff for Little T and I mean letters to bureaucrats and doctors on his behalf. The other 20% is blogging. The only way I seem able to write these days is to leave the house entirely away from the numerous Little T letters that keep wanting to be written.

Once away other things ask to be written but I have no laptop. I need to rewrite my picture book. And I have a novel but I have not actually worked on enough to know what is yet. Just who the characters are.

My nonfiction book sits there waiting impatiently to be finished but I tell it that I just can't. We're back in hospital hell. And the book revisits hospital hell in graphic detail. "More fuel for me" the book says in the candid tone it is written. "I think I have enough material and I need a bit more distance." But it will get finished. I just need. Well I'd like to just get the hell out of the hospital.

Tomorrow we will literally spend all day in the hospital with our son who has been deliberately kept awake. Tests will be run. It will probably be hellish. The only bright spot in this otherwise dismal day will be the arrival of our WII. Oh and we bought WII play yesterday and we'll buy another WII game. Ye gods I had no idea these video games systems were so expensive.

Little T turns three next month. For the first time ever we have bought one of those party packages at a party place. Money buys me time and the party we had at the place for bigger kids made Little T happy. It's also a celebration that Little T can actually go to such places.

I also bought a package for Special K for April. She wanted one this year but by the time Little T was clear to attend such places the place was fully booked.

We also test drove a Honda Odyssey and Toyota Sienna. So clear who wins. It's our bid to trade money for the ability for me to drive again. We'll see if it works.

So I'm doing my part to keep the US economy afloat.

And I hope it lets me borrow some happiness for a while. But I would trade it all for better health for Little T. Unfortunately that I can't seem to buy.

Who appointed you to define what I need?

As you may know I'm on the waiting list for a service dog from Canine Companions for Independence. I thought I was just getting a service dog but I've discovered I've actually joined an entire pack of warm funny terribly earnest and responsible community of CCI people not unlike the dogs themselves I suppose. Anyway blogging and LJ intersects with this community and one of the CCI pack who has a hearing dog included in her LJ this link: Seek Geo asks: "Do deafies need hearing dogs?"


Never being afraid to share my opinion with those who want to read it. I share it here. I do not share it with Seek Geo since I don't think he was asking me but other deafies. I have minor auditory processing issues due to a scar in one ear drum but I think that still makes me a hearie since I can hear well enough not to need a hearing dog or any other hearing assistance device.

I am amused and puzzled and pained by the inherent contradictions in the Seek Geo movie/discussion.

First of all it was kind of Seek Geo to include captions or I wouldn't have been able to understand the movie at all. So on some level Seek Geo acknowledges there's a wide world out there that doesn't use his primary language.

Then I was really really mystified after Karen wrote how her hearing dog saved her life by alerting her to a forklift that was backing up into her and she couldn't hear (obviously) and couldn't see because her back was turned to it. Seek Geo wrote in response something like "Well it was just the one time." To me that speaks of a deep level of denial.

Seek Geo also pains me. I guess in some ways I used to take Seek Geo's attitude that I'm no different than anyone else. My wrists are trashed as a result of it and I have more needs now.

I am all for "I can do everything that an able-bodied person can... just in a different way." I can definitely understand dislike of the term disabled. I used to kinda hate it but now I've come to terms with "special needs". I have special needs whether it be a dog or drugs or more rest or equipment or whatever. That's just not going to change. Even if my jerking stops and my balance improves and my wrists get better. It will be due to my special needs being fulfilled.

I feel alienated from Seek Geo and not because he's deaf but because I feel he comes from the attitude of my parents' generation. "Don't talk about how your needs are different or special even if it means that if your needs aren't accommodated you can't fully participate in society or you may even endanger yourself. Disabled people are in wheelchairs or blind or mentally retarded. Otherwise you are not disabled. Almost getting killed by a forklift because you missed something. Well it's not because you have needs that weren't met. It's because you should have been more careful. You don't need a dog to alert you. You don't need anything except what I say you need. So stop whining like a baby and just take your lumps."

Very very busy. Long time no write.

I went to a special WWI party hosted by Nintendo and a local mommy blogger called CityMama. Nintendo gave me a special number to call and get a WII. So I bought one. More later.

Still life then onward into battle

My world was quiet and silent without the kids while they and my husband went camping this weekend. I relaxed a lot and watched a lot of tv. The first thing my husband said when he saw me was "You look refreshed." But oh I missed them so! Their loud calls of "Mama mama!" and their constant need to touch.

And today I plunged back into the stress of dealing with insurance. My husband's company changed insurance yet again. And of course the first time it was all wrong. And of course the wrong code was not for me or for my husband who aren't the ones with tons of authorizations but for the children. Of course my son is the one that has the authorizations.

After several hours I think it may have been sorted out so I can fight the battle of actually getting speech therapy for my son. But the day is not over yet so we shall see.

The night my world was poisoned

In the quiet while my kids and husband went camping I wrote the night my world was poisoned on Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Special needs playgroup

Finally last Sunday we made it to the playgroup for the parents and kids of special needs who are on this local email list.

We all had a wonderful time. Another kid with CP who was aged five came over to me. Instant recognition. When Little T was busy elsewhere he wanted me to play with him. I had a loads of fun with him. I knew how to encourage him. When to offer a hand. That a hand on the back is reassuring while allowing him to do it himself. We ran the same sort of trotting run that Little T does. We laughed.

Little T also played on the 4 seat teeter toter which is the best PT and OT device EVER. Two hands required and lots of bouncing.

More riding

Yesterday I trotted almost the entire time. Something I would not have thought possible a few weeks ago. I now have riding pants which helps a lot.

Louie Louie my horse would hang his head down sometimes both to get a bit of rest and to test how tired I was getting. If I shifted my weight forward because I couldn't handle the way his weight shifted then he stopped but most of the time I just kept on going. Louie also likes slowing down at the gate and so I had to remind him that no we weren't stopping there.

I'm working on sitting up which I don't do a lot of the time and putting my shoulders back. It made my shoulders quite sore. My legs are long most of the time and my back is supple and so are my hands.

I find each time I ride now different muscles get sore. My instructor says it's because I'm learning.

I find also we're shifting into a new balance where I have more confidence so I'm leading Louie around. I am better about shifting my balance when we turn so he doesn't slow down when we turn. He can anticipate that I am asking him to turn as I'm turning him more by shifting my weight than pulling his reins.

My working partnership with my horse

I'm in a therapeutic riding class with two other women with special needs (and a third who hasn't been showing up lately so I have a lot less to say about her.) These two women ride these other two horses and they work wonderfully together. These horses wouldn't work for me. These women are paraplegic so they need horses that are very steady and slow. They literally need to be hoisted onto the horse with three other people in order to mount. The horse needs to be lined up exactly so sometimes the horse has to go through the mounting blocks several times. The horse I ride tolerates this but he's not great at waiting without a rider on his back. With a rider he'll wait until the cows come home but until he gets a rider he's a bit impatient waiting for someone to please ride him. He need to be walked around and around and around. Other horses don't mind just standing there waiting. In fact they seem to rather enjoy it.

I can mount a horse pretty quickly. I need a horse that can trot and later canter. I also need a horse that is responsive but yet also gives me feedback on how I'm doing. I have a movement disorder so I sometimes jerk so I need a horse that doesn't mind that. Another horse is responsive but also twitches every time I jerk. It makes me nervous so that horse is not a good match.

The horse I'm riding now is a great match for me. After a few times he got to understand what my jerks were and ignored them. As he ignored them I relaxed more and jerked less. I tend to grip too tightly and this horse slows down in response. Other horses pull back with their heads. This is what horses "should do" as pulling too hard does hurt them. And it's a great response for someone else but for me it just leads to a negative feedback loop where I pull tighter. When I loosened my grip and moved my reins with the horse the horse went faster. It taught me fairly quickly to have softer hands and bend my elbows. My instructor had been telling me for months and I'd been steadily improving but there's nothing like direct feedback.

I'm sitting on a blanket so the horse is in close contact with me. He's sensitive to how tired I'm getting or how nervous I feel and will slow down if he feels those things. The horse is "not supposed" to do this. He's "supposed" to stop or slow down when I say so but it worked really well for me when I was learning to trot. I tend to push myself too much. He started out trotting slower which was less comfortable for him but he trots faster now as I can handle it better. This gives me a great sense of security and trust in the horse. I feel more confident. And I've learned a lot faster.

For these two other women this horse wouldn't be a great match as they have little feeling in their lower body and so can not respond to the horse in that area. This horse also tends to trip sometimes quite badly when he's not paying attention. It's never been more than a minor annoyance to me as I can feel when he's about to trip and compensate but for these women they could fall off. And in fact the tripping also lets me know that I need to engage him more and make him use his shoulders which is another weakness I have.

In the first class where I could trot for longer distances I encounted this problem with this other horse that this woman doesn't usually ride. This mare doesn't like my horse a gelding who apparently herds mares in his free time. If my horse got too close then her horse would stop. Did this woman or anyone yell at me and tell me I needed to control my horse better? Or did someone tell this woman who can't kick the horse that she should never allow her horse to stop. Of course not. Someone simply gently pointed out the problem to me. It took me a few tries to get the distance right and learn how to control my horse at a faster speed but we worked it out.

My instructor told me this horse used to ride with a girl who had brain cancer and he took care of her in much the same way. Even though fortunately I don't have brain cancer we're similar enough in the way we ride that he understands what I need.

This horse has strengths and weakness and so do I. This horse is a great match for me and a wonderful horse in the program. But I would not recommend this horse to everyone. For another person with different needs this horse would be absolutely terrible. For me he's absolutely wonderful. He has taught me so much in the few weeks I've ridden him than I've learned from riding other horses in the past 9 months. I really love this horse. He was in a demonstration show with another rider and I felt so extremely proud of him.

I hope this horse and I will be riding together for a while. But if I ride another horse I will have to learn to ride him or her and she or he will have to learn to be my rider. Some horses will be a great match and some won't.

Lead paint hazard for Thomas and Friends wooden railway toys

The CPSC web site lists all the trains included in the recall.

I'm outraged that toys so heavily marketed and EXPENSIVE contain lead paint.

Special K's first loose tooth

Special K has a loose tooth. I'm afraid that C and my initial reaction was "Isn't she too young to have a loose tooth?" A little anxiety as I google "age lose teeth"

The first entry was alarming about a 5 year old losing her teeth and the answer was "Something's wrong with her teeth. Check with a dentist."

Second entry was more soothing and said kids lose their first tooth about 5-6. Special K turned 5 in April. And it's from Parents magazine which would seem a more reliable source.

So no need to panic.

But I still think she's too young.

For her first couple years I was in such a hurry for her to grow up. Now I'm constantly thinking "Slow down! It's too fast!" But of course she grows at her own pace.

First swimming lesson

Today Little T had his first swimming lesson along with Special K. He wanted me with him in the water. I forgot my bathing suit. So I just stepped in with my clothes. He kicked a lot and had a wonderful time. Special K had initial trouble with the kick board but the lessons from last summer seem to be coming back.

The pool was a warm 90 degrees. Outside was alternately warm and freezing when the wind blew.

I climbed out soggy and wet and a couple people stared. There wasn't really anything to stare at since I fortunately wore clothes that were not see-through when wet. Wet clothes are not a big deal since I was going right home. Slightly cold though.

Somehow this seems a strange metaphor for my life. I am never quite prepared and yet I plunge in anyway.

Reading is scary and unregulated

When my daughter turned four she asked begged me to learn to read. I'm a big reader myself. I had this inkling that maybe it was kinda young but she was really eager. We started off kinda haltingly as I tried phonics without success. Then we figured out she was more of a sight reader. By the time she turned five she could pick up a picture book and read it.

She also wanted to learn to write so I got her some writing workbooks. Through writing she's learning phonics. I found the workbooks vary a lot in quality. Some have directions that *I* found hard to understand. I recommend Spectrum which you can buy at Amazon or Borders.

Now she's a reader. She reads to herself all the time. She goes to the library and checks out tons of books. She really prefers books "with a picture on every page" aka picture books. As I've discovered the reading level on picture books varies a great deal and she can read all of them.

I've also discovered that I can no longer read my email in front of my daughter. No I don't get porn or anything but the odd Cialis ad makes it through my spam filter. Once my daughter walked up to the screen at just the right moment as I was deleting spam. She asked "Mommy why are you getting email about pills?" Long pause while I try to think of a truthful answer that doesn't get into much detail. "Well honey it's a commercial (we've talked about commercials before) They think I might want those pills but I really don't need them." "Oh" she said and walked away. Now I don't read email in front of her unless I know who it's from and what it's about.

The other day I talked to a librarian about my daughter's sticking to picture books. I wondered if it was okay. She said "Sure. Picture books go all the way from preschool to sixth grade in both reading level and content." I nodded my head. The librarian gave me a really serious look. She said "You need to be careful with these early readers. They can start reading subject matter that they have no idea how to deal with." I nodded my head thinking of Cialis. She looked even more serious. "You need to read the book before you let her read it."

I must have looked confused. I do watch an episode of every show I allow my kids to watch. I vetoed "Jon and Kate plus Eight" because those parents just snipe at each other constantly. They just seem so stressed to have eight kids with no other help. But picture books? I mean they're just picture books. Right?

The librarian walked me over to the picture book section. She gave me this book called The Tin Heart. The cover had a sweet picture of two girls and a tin heart with two pieces. I skimmed the beginning of the book. It started out innocently enough. Two girls in the Civil War. The father of one made a tin heart and gave each of the girls half of the heart. It talked a lot about their impending separation. All sweet and sad. Just at my daughter's level.

Then suddenly with no warning in the middle of the book.....runaway slaves. Now I understand slavery is part of the Civil War and part of our nation's history. And someday I will explain slaves to my daughter. And genocide. And torture. And Vietnam. And Guantanamo. But she's only five. She's still having trouble with the concept of "I won't be your friend anymore."

To say I was shocked is compare slavery to "I won't be your friend anymore." I was calling my husband on the phone as soon as I was home alone and babbling incoherently to him. It's not that I think picture books must cover subject matter appropriate to a five year old. It's that I expected there to be some warning. Some indication that the content is other than for preschoolers.

For example another book called Team Mates had on the cover an African American man in a baseball uniform and a white man in a baseball uniform. On the back it contained words like "segregation" and the "Negro Baseball Leagues". I skimmed that book and it talked about segregation and how there were two leagues and such. Nothing about slavery. As the sister of a special needs brother my daughter already unfortunately knows that sometimes people are mean to other people just because of the way they look or act. I told her she could read that one with a grownup.

Anyway I want to thank that librarian for giving me an education. You can bet that I'll be reading skimming all my daughter's books until I feel she's old enough to deal with any subject matter that might come up.

Even chapter books that feature sweet photos of a fluffy dog are not five-year-old safe. The back merely said it was about a dog from the pound and some sort of mystery. Midway through the book another dog dies. I asked my daughter if she wanted to read a book about a dog that dies. "No" she said firmly. That book went away too.

I'm also a little angry. I ask myself why books for kids aren't rated. I personally find reading and then imagining something to be infinitely more scary than anything I could watch or hear. I think it's because books are undervalued.

Don't get me wrong. I think the rating system for visual and aural media is far from perfect. I still have to watch/hear it before I'll give it to my daughter. However right there on the cover I have a good idea of what I might be getting into. I don't have to go halfway through before I realize "not appropriate".

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

My daughter's stardom leaves me frazzled while American Idol makes me feel maternal

A few weeks ago my daughter was proclaimed a star... at her preschool.  The whole thing filled me with anxiety. It combines all the mom things I totally suck at --producing crafts and baked goods.  Last year I at least got to do something I'm good at -- read a story.  But this year my daughter took over that role and read a book to the class.  Yes I'm really proud of her that she can read.  But let's talk about ME!

First and biggest anxiety was to produce a poster of my daughter's life.   I thought the first part will be easy.  I'm tech savvy like many Silimom and so I figure I can upload photos to Costco and get them printed.  I learned the hard way that printing photos yourself sucks up oodles of my time and produces worse photos.

But the Costco website wouldn't take my password and wouldn't email me my password. I felt doomed.  I can't even succeed at the one part I thought I could cover.  I panic and start to write this post.  As I'm writing FINALLY the password arrives.  I felt like a total idiot because my password is completely stupid.  I change my password to something less stupid.  Since I've just publicly announced I have an account at Costco.

The poster turned out to be pretty good.  It helps that my daughter can cut things herself now.  I actually can't cut properly.  Ironically using scissors to cut out shapes is one of the tests for Kindergarten Readiness.  Good thing neither Bryn Mawr nor Haas asked me for this test. :)

But another star moment for my daughter was when she sang in the Assembly at preschool.  She knew all the words and all the motions and she sang her little heart out.   But again I had the anxiety of trying to capture the moment on camera and not doing so well at that either.

Which brings me back to American Idol.  I already blogged about several reasons why the show appeals to me.  But I had forgotten that one big appeal for me is that I feel proud and maternal in a lesser but similar when "my idols" do well.  Maybe one of the reasons I like Sanjaya so much is that he sorta reminds me of my brother at the same age.  And Melinda just seemed so sweet.  Okay I'm not quite old enough to be Melinda's mother unless I had her as a young teen.  Even so.

During those weeks I got to be a proud stage mama with no real consequences and very little of the anxiety.  Yes I'm sad that neither Melinda nor Blake won.  But all I had to do was call a few times on the phone.  I did call for an hour and a half with Blake for the finale.  I knew it was a losing battle.  Jordin just outsang him that night.  But I did what I thought was right.  I'm sure they'll all do fine. 

I suspect I will buy Blake's album to hear what he does with his songs but I doubt I'll go to any top ten Idol's concert.  It would sorta ruin the illusion for me that they're my kids.  Yes I'm the Paula Abdul sort of watcher.  So sue me.  But please don't break my nose.

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

300 Calorie meal

After looking at photos of 300 calorie meals I think that's about how much I naturally eat at breakfast and lunch at home. That's about what my mother served me. Other than pregnancy the only time I've gained weight was when I dated someone who was fat and we ate out a lot. Then I figured out I didn't need to eat the entire portion of a huge American restaurant meal.

Eating a restaurant meal portion makes me feel horribly full but it often sneaks up on you. So I didn't feel extremely full until after the restaurant. I heard a fat person on Oprah say that she loves that feeling when you feel the need to loosen your pants and if you eat any more you might be sick. I really hate it.

Now at a restaurant I just tell myself as the plate is being put down "I can eat only half" of however much seems like a reasonable amount.

We have started eating out more because restaurants do serve higher calorie items that Little T likes like "burger fries." I eat less because the food has higher calories and therefore makes me feel more full.

Like today we ate at a deli. The bread is the same I would eat but a lot more salami and cheese and little mayo and mustard than I would eat on a sandwich at home. I ate half of the sandwich plus one bite. I also ate about 7 fat fries. I still feel full 2 hours later though not nauseatingly full. My husband ate the rest of my sandwich and part of his meal and some fries. He is gaining weight on this "new diet."

I have read research that people have a "set weight point." I think that's actually a simplistic answer. I think rather people have differing

• tolerance of fat - I just can't eat too much fat. It makes me feel full.
• the way foods taste aka food preferences - I can taste red no 5 and other artificial ingredients. They taste a little weird. I can't stand the taste of diet coke. I naturally prefer fresh meat and vegetables cooked simply. I hate preserved things. I have a friend who is the opposite and would choose diet coke and cheezits over stirfry any day of the week. I think McDonalds food tastes gross.
  
• amount of food needed to feel full - my husband clearly has a higher set point than I do
• feelings about being over full - my husband and I both hate it
• rate of conversion of excess calories to fat - I do not gain weight easily. I think this also varies by body part. Any weight I do gain goes to my belly first then my breasts and then my face. My arms and legs remain the same. To gain weight during pregnancy I had to force myself to eat several times a day. Not eating caused my nausea to be worse. In the first part of both pregnancies I actually dropped a few pounds.
  
• rate of conversion of fat to muscle/energy - In most areas of my body I am pretty static. I still have a fat belly from pregnancy. Otherwise I have dropped back down to my prepregnancy weight. I think I could work really hard to get rid of this belly fat but it would be very difficult. It has slowly gone down over time but very slowly.
  
• rate of metabolism - my metabolism is pretty high. It has slowed down since I was a teen and I think pregnancy slowed it down further.
• amount metabolism is affected by exercise and amount and type of exercise needed - I find I need to walk everyday to be happy. Faster exercise also makes me happy but I get "the runner's high" or feelings of well being just from walking. I walk fairly fast on my own but often I walk with kids. However when I can't walk due to injury I gain a few pounds which I drop after I start walking again. Oprah says she needs to work out an hour a day to keep her current weight. I just don't have time to do that.
• ability to do a task over time that has long-term benefits - My ability to do this is low if it's just for myself but I'll do anything for my family.
  

I think people who are fat most likely have the "gain fat" side of many if not all these factors. Both of my parents come from a long line of people who were well-fed their entire lives i.e they lived in prosperous farming communities. With a constant supply of food the body reacts differently and there are different selection pressures.

Few people except Jared Diamond talk about how a culture's access to food resources affects its ability to expand. I would say that coming from a heritage that includes low and inconsistent access to food promotes genes that all lead to being fat in a culture that has consistent access to very high calorie foods.

I guess what I'm saying is yes my observable weight point is set lower than many Americans and I exercise less than the recommended amount. I don't do a lot of hard exercise like going to the gm. In fact when I did the most time at the gym I was also gaining weight from restaurant food. My BP etc is all low. It's just from following my natural tendencies.

I think someone like Oprah who comes from a background of slaves and before that prolly hunter-gatherers has all the factors to make her fat. With a lot of hard work she overcame her natural tendencies to get to a lower weight. I think other fat people could do the same if they had the resources and time of Oprah. Some fat people do and some don't.

But I think saying "everyone has a set weight point" or "everyone can be an ideal body weight if they only followed my lifestyle changes" misses the point.

At this point in my life if I had to do what Oprah did to maintain my current weight I would be fat. I don't have the time to exercise an hour a day or rather I feel my family needs that hour more. I can often walk with my family. I just eat what I like when I like. I don't spend time craving foods that are bad for me. I don't deny myself much in the way of food. Yes I love chocolate but in moderation. But I also don't think I need to be worth a billion dollars to have Oprah's genes and not be fat. I just need the time and resources.

At my current socioeconomic level I guess I could force myself into weight loss lifestyle changes if both my children were functionally school-age. Not true for me now. I don't know if I would want to. I prolly might if I was convinced I would die too young. I dunno.

Becoming more like House MD

I want to live in the world of House MD where most medical mysteries are solved in an hour. I'd like to think of myself as Cameron. Though to be honest I'm more like Foreman. I'm a scrappy minority. I really do care but in a medical crisis I'm very detached. My exploits in high risk medical deduction and bizarre medical conditions are confined to my son. But that's enough for me.

But sadly my life resembles House more than any of the other doctors. I deal with constant pain every day although it's in my wrists and not my leg. I took Vicodin for a few months when I broke my toe. But I'm off it now. House says "antidepressants make me fuzzy." Vicodin makes me fuzzy.

But without Vicodin, it seems I must add a new way to identify myself as House. I must use a cane. I doubt I'll go for a cane with flames as House did. But my cane will be cool in some way. I'll show pictures when I've chosen it. Like House, I need a cane to help prevent myself from falling.

Prekids I sprained my ankle about once a year and limped around on crutches or a cane for several months. Annoying but manageable. My neurologists told me that "hypermobile ankles" are part of my rare movement disorder, myoclonic dystonia. I just figured it was something I was stuck with like the jerking.

Then my son started receiving regular physical therapy and then finally walking at 2 years old. And I noticed that like me, my son had moments of great balance and then he'd suddenly fall down. At first falling down involved "a lot of head hits ground". Any sort of hit on the head resulted in massive egg bruises on his forehead due to low platelets. His hematology doctor said he was okay falling down walking, but if he fell from any height he ran the risk of brain bleed. Needless to say I watched him very very carefully.

I developed a sort of safe distance to watch. If I hovered over him he got annoyed. I and his nanny noticed he fell more when tired. I also noticed he fell when distracted or when moving from one surface to another. That's exactly how I stumble and sprain my ankle.

Prekids I used to hike on rough terrain and occasionally ski. Never a sprained ankle. I was being careful. I sprained my ankle or torn liagments

• stepping down from my house to my garage
  
• walking onto fake rocks near the Stanford barn without noticing
• tripping over a gouge in the sidewalk shortly after receiving a flu shot
• stumbling while pregnant - okay I think being clumsy comes with being pregnant
  

I broke my toe tripping over my daughter while my ankle was still recovering from a sprain.
I stumble a lot less with my son, because I have to be a lot more conscious of where he's going. I have never once stumbled while holding my kids.

But Little T's rapidly moving out of the "must watch with constant vigilance or he will hurt himself" stage. His platelets are normal. He has perfected the trot. My body already knows I need to be less careful. Today I stumbled and knocked against him and he merely swayed a little. A few months ago he would have fallen on his head. I was so proud of him. And sad that he needs me less in that physical way.

So I need something new to watch out for. A new baby would solve the issue but has other costs. We're fine with two kids. A cane will do. It will "provide additional sensory input."

I'm on the waiting list for a service dog from Canine Companions for Independence. So at some point I will have another creature to look after. One that I will always need to keep track of. Then I can ditch the cane and I will be less like House again. Being a big fan of House, I know that House kept a dog for a couple episodes. A very poorly behaved dog that chewed up everything even his Vicodin. House could probably use a service dog, but I'm not sure which organization would take him.

Why I love American Idol: an embodiment of American values

I'm definitely what we'd call in Silicon Valley a "late adopter" to the whole American Idol thing. This is my first season ever watching any episode of the show. But I guess blogging about it several times and watching every single episode this season makes me a fan now. I blame Jill for the blogging part. Her hatred of Sanjaya prompted me to write my first blog about American Idol: Sanjaya makes me laugh.

Okay maybe blogging does not a fan make. But what makes me a fan is American Idol embodies some American cultural values (both good and bad)

* Absolute faith in the democratic process. The people decide who wins
* Glorification of entertainment and the entertainment industry
* Belief that individuals can make a difference not only by voting but in huge problems like poverty by voting and donating their money - Idol Gives Back
* Like the idea that "anyone can be president" (some restrictions apply), "anybody can be the Next American Idol(TM)" (some restrictions apply)
* Entertainment covering entertainment
* The belief that you can know someone's heart from watching them on tv, even though you have never met them.

And since I'm a fan, I know the show started in the UK, but it has really taken off here. I had shied away from American Idol for years, because I thought it was only about entertainment, and silly at that. And I still feel we get carefully packaged versions of these singers, but after all that's entertainment. It's the moral values that kept me coming back. And as an import from the UK myself, I think that makes me an American to believe that a show about entertainment can have morals.

The week Sanjaya stopped being entertaining and I stopped voting for him, he got voted off. Even my 5 year old daughter wouldn't watch him that week. I sorta miss Phil and his big blue soulful eyes, but he's not a good a singer as some of the others. And as for Chris, there's only so much Boy Band a girl can take.

I like the Final Four. I still want Melinda to win. She combines both a wonderful voice and a lot of heart and delivers it week after week. Plus my 2 year old son still screams like a groupie whenever he hears her sing. But Blake comes a close second. He makes every single song his own. Jordin has a great voice and great potential, but sometimes does seem young and misses in her performances. And LaKisha sometimes just blows me away with those pipes of hers, but other weeks, her heart doesn't seem to be in her songs.

Baby Orange

Last Saturday I foolishly agreed to let the kids toss their balls into goldfish bowls to win a goldfish.  I figured they'd never actually get the ball into the bowl so no goldfish.  I was right. The kids missed entirely. I was wrong. They each got goldfish anyway.

My son insisted on carrying his home and the fish had a very rough ride. My daughter somehow had two in the same plastic cup and asked Daddy to carry both home.

We put all three in a giant pickle jar with filtered water. My son's fish barely moved. Within an hour it was floating on its side. My husband touched it lightly with a stick and it rallied briefly and swam a little. Then it started floating again. My husband tried fish CPR which consists of flowing (filtered) water over the fish. The fish just lay there.So we sent it to the big white drain in the sky.

Within twenty-four hours the other fish started floating and it too went to the big drain. My daughter rewrote history and said both were her brother's. My son didn't seem to notice that two fish were gone. My daughter named the remaining fish Little Baby Orange.  She insists it's a she.

Baby Orange swam about vigorously and ate as much as she could.  After a week we decided that Baby Orange might make it.  So yesterday we bought Baby Orange stuff:

• Baby Orange $1


• 10-gallon tank $9.99


• gravel $6.99


• power filter $12.99


• water conditioner $3.79


• bacterial supplement $3.79 (adds good bacteria to break down fish wastes)


• net $1.79


• ornamental bridge that my son grabbed and broke $11.99


• Fish pellets $6.99

Having Baby Orange is priceless. I don't know why this little fish makes me happy. But I feel like I'm getting to know...a feeder fish. She was clearly so excited to get into her new tank that she kept swimming against the bag.

Over twenty years ago my sister brought home Edward a feeder goldfish from a fair. Edward is huge and too big for his tank. His eyes are popped out and he can't see.  However he still lives on at my parents' house.

I'm a little concerned about our family's ability to feed a creature that doesn't ask for food.  We have killed many plants. But unlike a plant, Baby Orange is very active.  She swims around a lot. I think hope that's good.  I do like watching her.  Her resilient spirit reminds me of my son's.   Both have survived against the odds.  I also find the soft flow of the pump strangely soothing.

Keeping a feeder goldfish won at a fair is an act of faith.  I make no predictions for Baby Orange's future, but I'm enjoying her while she's here.

Migraine bright burning spikes in my brain

Yesterday I experienced the worst migraine I have ever had. I explained a migraine to my husband as "super hangover combined with the nasty aspects of being drunk". At least I often feel and sound incoherent and it's hard for me to move without throwing up. Replax didn't seem to help much but Replax and Ibuprofen got me to the point where I could stand the voices of my children.

I put them in front of the tv downstairs and I moaned upstairs until my husband came home. I completely missed my daughter's potluck for incoming Kindergarteners. I'd been looking forward to it.

Little T expressed him so loudly to my migraine ears. I asked him to speak more softly. "No speak softly." he screamed at me and bright burning spikes flashed in my brain. I chuckled a little that he chose now to express himself now. That hurt my head too. The day before I'd half written a post about my concern about his lack of expression. Now I wanted him mute again.

I asked Special K to whisper and she was so sweet. I also asked her not turn the light in the bathroom that shone so brightly in my bedroom. My husband turned on the one further away. Even in the middle she remembered. She came and whispered and turned on the further away light.

Just now I saw a little shooting star on my computer screen. So pretty but a warning sign. So I must get off the computer now.