Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Woo hoo! I'm amazed! Sometimes democracy really does work!!

For the first time in my life, I put a sign on my lawn endorsing a candidate. It was for City Council. He actually came to my door and talked to me and DH. He was canvassing our town on his bike. He seemed really well-informed, earnest and had some great ideas. But I didn't think he'd win, because he's new, definitely not part of the party machine, and he wouldn't accept contributions of over $100. But he actually got elected! I'm so excited!

Monday, November 04, 2002

Evening out

Saturday came, the evening when Castor and I went out for a whole evening sans Special K for dinner and the opera Abduction from the Seraglio. I tried to stay positive about it and push away the guilt and fear. I talked to Special K again that day. She seemed to listen. I gave her a goodbye breastfeed just before we left which seemed to make her happy. Though when Robin the babysitter arrived, SK protested a little when placed in her arms, but Robin allowed her to stand on her lap. We left and SK watched us go with a somber expression. We met my dad at a Cuban restaurant and went to the opera. I tried and mostly succeeded not to worry about SK. We had a lovely time.

We arrived home after 7 hours to a silent house. Silence is bliss in this case. Robin said SK only cried a little. SK believes in laughing and crying before bedtime, so this is normal. Robin looked calm and content. I was amazed and very relieved. I feel a great burden has been lifted from me. It's funny how little things like this can mean so much.

Friday, November 01, 2002

First Halloween as a mother

I had my first Halloween as a mother and it encapsulated the highs and lows of being a mother. We (K dressed as a pumpkin and I dressed as a witch) went to the local Senior Center at lunchtime to hand out candy. After a while, K woke up enough to be charming and smiling to one and all. We had a lovely time.

Then I locked Special K in the car with the windows closed. I have a black interior car and it was 68 degrees outside. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I have VW roadside assistance, but the number and everything else was locked in my car. Fortunately another mother happened to have a Passat so I got the number. I made the call, explained the situation and was told they'd come in 20 minutes. They said to call 911 if I needed to.

K was a bit perplexed and restless, but okay for all but the last few minutes. Just as she was sliding into full meltdown mode, the tow truck arrived. Perhaps knowing she was about to rescued and soothed by the rumble of the tow truck's engine, Special K fell asleep. The driver mumbled about not being able to break into Passats, while I said a silent prayer to Freya. And after a few agonising moments he jimmied the lock, setting off the car alarm. Special K started screaming and I took her out of the dreaded car seat. A few minutes later, Special K was smiling again.

Friday, September 20, 2002

C has been sick since Labour Day and I'm going insane.

C pushed himself hard at work to meet a deadline and afterwards he got sick. He finally went to the doctor on Tuesday and got some antibiotics. Every time he starts to get better. He has a relapse and gets worse again. I don't know how mothers with two kids do it. Normally I don't feel C is a kid, but right now I do. I have to keep making him go to bed.

I'm going insane. Special K is teething which makes her very fussy and demanding. Yesterday I got a plugged duct and it was sooo painful!! I soaked it in warm salt water and had Special K breastfeed from it a lot and it was feeling better. But then last night while breasfeeding, she started fussing a lot and thrashing around, and kicked and hit my very sore boob. I started crying because it hurt so bad. Then C got all grumpy about it, because he was trying to sleep.

Normally I go talk to my mama, but she's out of the country and not reachable.

Saturday, April 20, 2002

Special K's birth story


Special K was born 1 day before her expected due date on April 20, 2002 at 7:15am.

At birth, Special K was 7lb 1 oz and 20 inches long w/a head of 32.5cm. She had Apgar scores of 9/9. She nursed shortly after birth and has been a breastfeeding champ ever since. C and I are absolutely thrilled with our #1, albeit somewhat dazed.

You can check out
her "designer salon" hair of black w/frosted highlights.

I had the unmedicated childbirth I wanted and it was overall a very positive experience. My bag of waters didn’t break until after I was fully dilated. And C basically helped break the baby’s fall out of me, because she was born with no hospital staff present.

Birth Story:

On the afternoon of April 19, I started having contractions. I’d been having contractions off and on for the past couple weeks, so I didn’t dare believe anything was really happening. C and I walked a few blocks to have dinner at 5:30pm with a couple who already has 1 child, and is expecting another in November. Walking there stimulated more contractions too strong to continue walking while they were happening. We timed them for a bit and they were about 6-7 minutes apart. Though this had happened before for several nights running, so we weren't quite ready to believe that this was really it. However the contractions got more uncomfortable through dinner, and we were going to back to our friends' place at 6:30pm, but decided instead to head home.

I felt like walking so we walked a few blocks to the library to return some books then went home again. In retrospect I’d never had contractions where I had to stop and focus on relaxing in order to make them manageable, but doing this made them quite manageable. I had no other visible signs though and I didn’t want to be disappointed.

When we got home, we decided it was time to pack for going to the hospital. I said I didn't know if it was the real thing, but at least it would give me something to do. We kept a log of the contractions from about 7:00pm to about 11:00pm as they gradually decreased to under about 5 minutes apart. I’d had contractions 5 minutes apart before, so I was waiting for that 4-1-1, which is when my OB had said to go to the hospital.

After we finished packing, we watched a episode of "Charmed" (on our Tivo) where Phoebe discovers she is pregnant. We had to pause the show frequently for contractions that were just over 5 minutes apart. After the show was over at 11pm, we decided to call the hospital to ask them if we should consider going in. After a bit of phone tag, we finally talked to the OB on call at 11:30pm. He said that since it was a first-time birth, we should wait two hours.

I wanted to lie down and sleep. However I couldn’t sleep through the contractions and they were more painful lying down, but if I sat on the birthing ball it somehow eased the pain. The contractions came in waves that built up, and somehow the ball applied the right sort of pressure that helped me ride the peak. C was absolutely wonderful in helping me focus on each contraction, and rubbing my back. Massaging the small of my back also helped ease the pain. However there was no bloody show, no water breaking, no nothing, so I still wasn’t sure this was it.

Finally at 11:42pm, I had a tiny amount of blood, but then nothing. So I laboured on. At 1:25am, I started to drip blood, so I agreed to go to the hospital. We live only 10 minutes away from the hospital, but we had to stop and I had to get out of the car for each contraction, because I couldn’t deal with them sitting down. This made for a long car trip. A 10 minute car ride stretched into 35 minutes.

To my delight, when I got to the hospital at 2:10am, I was already 4-5 dilated and fully effaced. The nurses strapped me up to the monitors and insisted I lie in bed for 20 minutes. They became concerned, because although the baby’s heartbeat was strong and steady, it didn't accelerate to my contractions at all. I really didn’t feel anything was wrong. I have a disability that causes me to jerk from time to time and I figured that the baby just thought contractions was just another type of jerking.

My parents arrived at around 2:30am and it was very soothing to have my mother there. Even though she did seem a bit worried, I felt reassured by her presence that everything was okay. My dad tried asking me a few questions, didn’t get much of a response and finally left the room to go read. Eventually at around 5am, he went back to my house.

The nurses said I was dehydrated, which was true, and asked me if I’d get an IV. I refused and said I’d drink more water. Drinking definitely helped my labour progress. The contractions got closer together and I felt that the pain was becoming unmanageable lying there, so I got up from the bed. I sat on the birthing ball and the monitor kept slipping off as I shifted position. The nurses tried to get me to lie on my side in the bed, because they were still concerned about the baby. They said it was better for the baby, so I tried it. The pain was unbearable doing that and I could only endure it for 2 contractions before I got up again. The baby’s heartbeat didn’t change while I was lying on the bed anyway. I wanted to go soak in the tub, but they wanted to still monitor me. I had to go to the bathroom anyway, so I took off the monitors and sat on the toilet for a bit. It didn’t feel as good as the birthing ball.

At around 4am, I was 6+ cm dilated. The nurses were still concerned about the baby’s heartbeat, and I was tired. So I tried lying on my side between contractions and then getting up on the bed on all fours during contractions. That seemed to work, so I laboured until I felt the urge to push at around 6am. The nurse checked me, but unfortunately the contractions were about 2 minutes apart, and so it was during a contraction. At first she said I was fully dilated and then she had me do 1 push and decided I was only 8cm dilated.

Transition was really awful. I think the only thing that got me through it was taking one contraction at a time and knowing that it’d be over soon. I’d feel a dilation contraction,which I could deal with, and then I’d feel this overwhelming urge to push. For the first couple contractions, I couldn’t quite figure out how not to push, and so I did anyway, and felt an intense burning and bruising sensation that told me pushing was in fact the wrong thing to do. I also absolutely refused to let the nurses draw my blood for the cord blood during transition. What a ridiculous notion that I could hold still for that long!

In retrospect, I think resisted the urge to push for too long, because after a while I stopped feeling the dilating contractions and just the overwhelming urge to push. I had to push something and so I pushed out my stomach contents. After about 3 of these, I tried a tiny push and felt no burning, so I decided that I wanted to be checked. And to my delight at 6:20am I was checked again and found fully dilated.

Pushing felt so good after resisting it. The nurses wanted me to lie back so they could check my pushing. Well, I pushed with the same force that I pushed squatting, but gravity was working against me, so I didn’t push very effectively. I never did get the hang of holding my breath for the count of 10.-- It made me feel light-headed. However I did push with the force they wanted and it was pretty hard work. It felt very uncomfortable, so they got me a squatting bar and wanted me to lean up against that.

My bag of water started bulging out of me like a balloon and finally burst at 6:35am. I said I wanted to squat and squatted on the bed. The nurses asked if they could hook up an internal monitor to the baby. My bag of waters had broken anyway, and they were still concerned about the baby’s heartbeat, so I said okay.

I pushed without holding my breath, but silently focusing my muscles on pushing the baby down. My OB had told me that pushing was like having a big bowel movement. I pushed like that and it doesn't look like much from the outside. I don't hold my breath or tighten my face. The pushing is all "down there". The nurses decided that the baby wasn’t coming anytime soon, because “I wasn’t pushing properly”. And their shift ended at 7am, so they left the room.

In retrospect if I’d pushed with the same force I had before rather than the extra force I’d using lying on the bed, I’d have been better off, but I didn’t know any better. Anyway, I was making visible progress and C was encouraging me. I pushed through two more contractions, and saw the baby’s head. It was so thrilling! I reached down and touched it. I felt the ring of fire, so I tried not to push for a contraction.

Then I pushed through another contraction, and all of a sudden –- whoosh! The baby just slipped out. C was behind me and stuck his arm out to break the baby’s fall, fortunately to the bed. I heard loud lusty crying and I knew the baby was fine. I couldn’t turn around and see her because the umbilical cord was still attached. The nurses rushed in, and declared the time of birth to be 7:15am. They cut the cord and did their checks and her Apgar scores were 9/9, which is about as good as they get.

She came out so fast that I had 2nd degree tearing. I was on such an endorphin rush that I didn’t feel anything but pure pleasure. I had to lie in the bed for the OB to collect Kerensa’s cord blood, which was a little tedious, because it had to be done before the placenta could come out. After that was all over, the OB gave me a local anesthetic and stitched me up.

Finally I got to see my baby. I was prepared for a cone head, a bruised face, baldness or something, but she looked like her photo -- a little doll with a full round cap of "designer salon" hair of black w/frosted highlights. I thought she was so perfect that I couldn’t quite believe she was actually my baby.

I tried to breastfeed her, but I wasn’t good at positioning her, and she was very intent on looking at me and everyone else. She was incredibly alert. She had come out screaming and now she was in full blown explore the world.

I tried to breastfeed a second time later in the maternity ward with the help of a nurse, and she latched on well and sucked strongly, and has done so ever since.

So you might ask if I’d ever give birth in a hospital again? You bet. I basically got the birth experience I wanted and I really appreciated the nurses afterwards. I was so focused on giving birth the way I wanted that I could have been in a room anywhere. I can’t imagine cleaning up all that mess at my house. If I’m not at my house, I might as well be at the best place to handle emergencies. IME in a hospital, you do have to be assertive and stick to what you want. Legally they cannot make you do anything without your consent. And that was never a problem for me.

And afterwards, it was nice to be taken care of. I was totally wiped out and still making a total mess. The nurses cleaned up after me, and the bed was adjustable, which made it much easier to find a comfortable position. They provided me with maternity supplies that I hadn’t thought of but needed like a donut. We also had an infinite supply of clean clothes and linens as C and I got the hang of feeding our baby, changing her diaper, etc. I also received 3 meals a day, which reminded us to eat. We could call on nurses for help at any time. And we did a couple times.

Special K stayed with us in my room the whole time, though we took a 2-hour break from her on the first day, so we could sleep. We had advice from people who have handled literally thousands of babies. We had the reassurance that our baby was perfectly healthy, as they checked her all the time. She has a bit of jaundice, but the pediatrician told us what to look for and it seems nothing to worry about. C said “it’d been a lot harder if we’d had to come in parenthood cold”. And I think even for subsequent children, I’d want a little pampering for both me and C afterwards – childbirth is of course very hard work.

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Mild contractions

I decided that I'll try to spare my child years of therapy and give him/her the nickname 'sweetpea' :)

I had mild contractions Monday morning through Tuesday night. They intensified when walking, but I was able to sleep through them Though my husband says I can sleep through almost anything. :) They were different than the Braxton-Hicks contractions I'd been having -- deeper inside and more like menstrual cramps. Still, I waited for some other sign (like my water breaking) to say 'this is it'. Today I woke up basically contraction-free and went for my weekly OB apt. I found out I'm only 50% effaced and less than a cm dilated.

My OB says that's normal for this stage of a first-time pregnancy, though the amount of contractions I've been having are unusual. So sweetpea is a big tease. :}

Monday, April 01, 2002

Bedrest due to "premature labour"

My OB told me that she wouldn't stop me if I went into labour after my last apt on 3/26. I thought my baby was listening, because that morning I threw up, and had mild contractions accompanied by trips to the bathroom. At my apt I told my OB about throwing up, but forgot to tell her about my diarrhea. She noticed the contractions at the time, but they were mild and I figured they were just Braxton-Hicks.

That night I went to the BMC Listerine dinner. I had a good time. :) It was fun to put some names to faces and see some other folks again.

The next morning, I was having regular contractions 10 mins apart lasting about a minute and I was in the bathroom every time. I thought this was rather unpleasant and a bit weird, but figured this was just my lot in life. However, my husband and mother weren't convinced, and my husband called the OB in the early afternoon. The OB told me to take Immodium and that stopped the bathroom trips, but not the contractions, so I was asked to come in at 4.

I went in and was strapped to fetal monitors that measured the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. The monitoring was not as uncomfortable as I thought it might be. My contractions were now 8 minutes apart, but still mild. The OB said they were mild enough that the baby's heartbeat didn't respond to them at all. My cervix was also not responding much. However my contractions were like clockwork. And I just had this feeling that it would take a long while, but if they continued, eventually I'd give birth. My OB left for a while, and didn't come back until some minutes later.

Again my baby seemed to be listening, because the very next contraction was stronger, came after 6 minutes instead of 8, and through the monitor, I could hear my baby's heartbeat rise with it. My OB returned and told me she got into an argument with the hospital, who said that my baby was still premature at 36 weeks 3 days and therefore my delivery would be considered high-risk. Furthermore they had a code red at the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) and if I came, they'd have to send me to another hospital. Well, the last thing I wanted was to give birth at a strange hospital, and have some perinatologist poking at my baby. I'm sure they save lots of babies' lives, but I'd rather not have them near my baby if I can help it.

My OB told me to go home and rest until Sunday, and to try and calm things down. So I went to bed, and after a while, things did seem to calm down until 11pm when the contractions and the bathroom trips started again. I had already taken the maximum dose of Immodium, and we didn't know what to do, so my husband called my OB again. She said to take another Immodium, but if that didn't work, not to take any more, because the medicine wasn't working. She also suggested that it might be viral. Well, that jogged the memory of my husband who suddenly remembered that his officemate had been sick with the stomach flu over the weekend. I wish he'd told me that earlier, but at least my body finally got the message. The next trip to the bathroom, I didn't have a contraction, but instead felt that very unpleasant gut-wrenching sensation that usually accompanies the stomach flu. I hadn't felt anything like it the entire time and I've never been happier to experience it!

So I stayed in bed through Monday morning; sick for a couple days and then just resting. Though others of his co-workers reported they got quite sick, my husband never had more than mild stomach pains, so he took good care of me. He brought me some books on tapes from the library, so I wasn't totally bored. I'm having mild contractions again, though not regular, so I suppose it's a good thing I stayed in bed.

Before all this happened, I was waffling between wanting the baby out, and wanting to wait until it's time. Now I'm willing to wait. I'm fairly certain I could start the whole process again by taking castor oil. And I would if it was that or induction, but my OB says she'd be willing to hold off induction until May 5 (42 weeks). That's a loong time from now. And letting my body putter along and slowly get things ready seems much more agreeable to me now.


Welcome to my blog! I wish I could give you a nice hot cup of tea, but this will have to do.

Come sit in my breakfast nook with sun streaming down on your back.
Come sip some tea with me.
This is where I draw the courage and peace to write
I hope you enjoy your time spent in my little alcove
Please sit down with me, and read a slice or two, or maybe even some chunks of my life.

Why Water Owl? Because my name means Water and I collect Owls.

My online experience began with Bitnet, then I put my college Bryn Mawr on the Internet. I created personal web pages. I wrote about the beginnings of my writing journey online. A variety of people stumble through them over the years. A few take the time to send me email. It delights me to see what evoked a response.

I was born one night in Bangkok, spent my early chilhood in Chelsea, London, then moved to California. I went to college at Bryn Mawr where I stayed for a couple years afterwards. Then I leaped back into the bay area, California where I've lived ever since.

Just before my first child a daughter is born, I started to keep a Live Journal. Things had started worrying me a little with the pregnancy and journaling provided an easy outlet.

I kept a bit of a journal offline and I sometimes go back and write some post-dated entries. I've already edited this intro a couple times. Like life, it's a work in progress.

Please enjoy my blogs, please leave comments or email me if for some reason, you don't want others to read it. You are not alone.