Pokemon resolves my daughter's gender issues

My daughter started first grade three weeks ago. She now has a female classmate who also loves Pokemon. Since that time I've heard not one peep about her being uncomfortable about being a girl.

My daughter wants to be a boy

My 6 year-old daughter says "I want to be a boy. She says "I don't fit in the gender" for the following reasons:

• Doesn't like pink and purple and likes black
  
• Likes rock
• Doesn't like Barbie
• Likes Pokemon
• Likes video games
• Hates princesses
  

Please give her examples of girls like her. Thanks! LOL

She forgets all the sterotypical girl thing she likes such as art, writing notes, gymnastics, flowers, and reading books about fairies and pound puppies.
I know there are some kids who are genuinely questioning their gender. I think my daughter is more stuck in gender stereotypes which is fairly typical for a six-year old.

My daughter's first long summer and she doesn't want to go to camp

My daughter is "graduating" from Kindergarten on Wednesday and so will begin her first official summer. Sure she's had summer breaks in preschool, but I always signed her up for summer preschool. Before any type of school, she simply grew as the seasons passed and I needed to put her in slightly different clothes. For the first time, she has three months of no school aka summer.

My daughter has opted only to sign up for swim lessons half an hour a week for the entire summer, three days of camp at Happy Hollow and one week of gym camp. So far she's refused repeated offers of other camps and classes and the bay area offers a ton. I'm not sure whether to be pleased that she recognizes that acres of free time shrink smaller and smaller as one ages until they're reduced to a precious commodity, or that she simply can't comprehend how long a (relatively) hot summer can be. Her younger brother will be attending summer preschool part of the time, so it will be just me and her for some of the day.

On the other hand, my parents didn't provide me, the eldest of three with much summer activities except for Rainbow Summer, a camp held in the blazing hot 100 degree heat of the park. I fainted once from heat exhaustion and went back again the next day. At the time, I didn't appreciate it. And I'm sure from my mom's point of view, she heard constant cries of "I'm bored" But I did learn how to entertain myself for hours at a time. I played countless board games with my brother and read a lot.

The kids have a library within walking distance. Plus we have a Wii, a Tivo and a bookshelf of DVDs. I swore I wouldn't be one of those parents who bought a ton of DVDs and games for their kids, but somehow each slowly acreted. Okay Costco only sells them in bundles, but otherwise I'm not sure where all they came from.

Despite their wealth of toys, I still see the kids play the same games I used to like crawling around in boxes and making forts from blankets. And whoever claimed that kids are nature deprived hasn't seen my kids' rock and leaf collections that track dirt over the house.

Still, I wonder if this summer, I'll hear "I'm bored" whined just once too often and become one of those parents desperate to sign their kid up for a summer camp, any summer camp. I hope not, but I'll let you know.

Involution of mom

C says he didn't give Little T aspirin on Sunday. One frigging day. It comforts him and makes me feel things are balanced by a hair.

I hope that he's bigger and stronger and won't need steroids this time and certainly not chemo.

Last night Special K was talking about Pokemon "involution" meaning evolution. Involution is the mysterious process by which the tumor starts shrinking again. I hope involution has started and its brief evolution or growth was just a day. That's never how it's worked. But then this tumor has never worked the way "it's supposed to". I've heard "it's not supposed to do that" so many times. Can't it work the way it's not supposed to and suddenly start involuting again with just going back to aspirin. You don't need steroids.

Little T understands much more this time. Far more than I probably know. He was extra snuggly this morning.

I just have to dump my fears and worries here and live in the present.

A really sweet video that shows the spirit of my daughter's school

Castro's celebration of getting off the Federal List of schools that need to be improved.

My daughter joined after the school was already off the list, but the video shows the great spirit of the school and why we love it so much.

My daughter walked for miles and miles

My daughter walked from 1:30 to 6pm for her school walkathon. She took one bathroom break. Otherwise she walked and walked and walked. 54 laps in all. I'm so proud of my little Kindergartener who could. I talk about Little T's determination all the time because life is more challenging for him but Special K also rises to the few great challenges her life presents her.

She also got her hair sprayed pink which she said "was scary for me."

I have been trying to tell her that a lot of life is just persistent effort over time or walking around and around. You do get prizes along the way but mostly the point is just to keep on going. I guess she knows that lesson at least for now. Do I say how incredibly proud I am of her?

Kindergarten is great but I want to go back to being a baby and grow up again

Special K is not just attending Kindergarten now but a real person to her teacher among her class of 20. No mean feat in a little under a week but I was not the one who named her Special K. She is the proud recipient of two gold stars and a "Your daughter can read." Why yes she can.

Little T goes everyday and sits and reads with her so in his mind he's going to Kindergarten too.

For the first week she sat and read at the YMCA afterschool program. I was a little concerned she might simply choose to read the entire time. A sign I think of how I had lost my moorings that I worried my daughter had lost her essentially social nature. I think she just choose to adjust to "Spanish Kindergarten" (PC name Dual Immersion) first and then when she was settled in her class then deal with the Y. That is so like her. The other day she put away her book and plunged into all the Y games and activities.

Already at five my daughter sees growing up is a mixed bag. That she has said goodbye to her beloved preschool and she can never go back. She tells me "I want to go back to being a baby and then back to preschool and then again to Kindergarten and round again." I did not really learn this lesson until Special K was half done being a baby and I realised the time had gone by so quickly and in my rush to get out of the sheer drudgery of her day-to-day care I had not appreciated enough her basic good health and just babyness. I did appreciate her as a person and I did relax during breastfeeding.

Oh baby if you only knew if how much I wish I could go back to the good times of your babyhood. Instead I try to appreciate you now. I watched you running so fast in the playground yesterday laughing and hair flying. I hope all your days are as carefree.

Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or I have gotten too serious?

Special K has a high tolerance for fantasy violence and death. She used to play World of Warcraft and now she plays Guild Wars with her dad because the online community aspect is limited only to certain areas. She has a low tolerance for real violence and death. She draws a sharp distinction between the two. Whoever said that kids don't understand the difference has not met my child. Classic fairytales are also full of violence and death. Some children are frightened by them and others are not.

I guess how far we'll let her read will depend on how "real" she thinks Harry Potter and his crew are. I'll ask her after the first book. So far she says she "doesn't get" Harry Potter so I guess Harry Potter is still a little above her.

Meanwhile I found it hard to get into reading the seventh book. I skipped to the end and read the last few pages. Very bad I know. For a few days it sat there in all its largeness. I know Harry Potter has big problems but I feel like I have several Voldemorts to deal with and I'm on quest to destroy them before they destroy my son's chance at a good life. Okay overly dramatic but isn't that what the series is all about?

Now I've started reading it and I find it interesting but it doesn't have the same 'must it read' it feel the I had for the other books. Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or am I have gotten too serious? Or is this book just a bit too grim? What appeals to you about Harry Potter? Do you think the last book was as good as the rest? Which is your favorite Harry Potter book? Why do you read seven books of such huge length?

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog on 8/17

Special K's first loose tooth

Special K has a loose tooth. I'm afraid that C and my initial reaction was "Isn't she too young to have a loose tooth?" A little anxiety as I google "age lose teeth"

The first entry was alarming about a 5 year old losing her teeth and the answer was "Something's wrong with her teeth. Check with a dentist."

Second entry was more soothing and said kids lose their first tooth about 5-6. Special K turned 5 in April. And it's from Parents magazine which would seem a more reliable source.

So no need to panic.

But I still think she's too young.

For her first couple years I was in such a hurry for her to grow up. Now I'm constantly thinking "Slow down! It's too fast!" But of course she grows at her own pace.

Reading is scary and unregulated

When my daughter turned four she asked begged me to learn to read. I'm a big reader myself. I had this inkling that maybe it was kinda young but she was really eager. We started off kinda haltingly as I tried phonics without success. Then we figured out she was more of a sight reader. By the time she turned five she could pick up a picture book and read it.

She also wanted to learn to write so I got her some writing workbooks. Through writing she's learning phonics. I found the workbooks vary a lot in quality. Some have directions that *I* found hard to understand. I recommend Spectrum which you can buy at Amazon or Borders.

Now she's a reader. She reads to herself all the time. She goes to the library and checks out tons of books. She really prefers books "with a picture on every page" aka picture books. As I've discovered the reading level on picture books varies a great deal and she can read all of them.

I've also discovered that I can no longer read my email in front of my daughter. No I don't get porn or anything but the odd Cialis ad makes it through my spam filter. Once my daughter walked up to the screen at just the right moment as I was deleting spam. She asked "Mommy why are you getting email about pills?" Long pause while I try to think of a truthful answer that doesn't get into much detail. "Well honey it's a commercial (we've talked about commercials before) They think I might want those pills but I really don't need them." "Oh" she said and walked away. Now I don't read email in front of her unless I know who it's from and what it's about.

The other day I talked to a librarian about my daughter's sticking to picture books. I wondered if it was okay. She said "Sure. Picture books go all the way from preschool to sixth grade in both reading level and content." I nodded my head. The librarian gave me a really serious look. She said "You need to be careful with these early readers. They can start reading subject matter that they have no idea how to deal with." I nodded my head thinking of Cialis. She looked even more serious. "You need to read the book before you let her read it."

I must have looked confused. I do watch an episode of every show I allow my kids to watch. I vetoed "Jon and Kate plus Eight" because those parents just snipe at each other constantly. They just seem so stressed to have eight kids with no other help. But picture books? I mean they're just picture books. Right?

The librarian walked me over to the picture book section. She gave me this book called The Tin Heart. The cover had a sweet picture of two girls and a tin heart with two pieces. I skimmed the beginning of the book. It started out innocently enough. Two girls in the Civil War. The father of one made a tin heart and gave each of the girls half of the heart. It talked a lot about their impending separation. All sweet and sad. Just at my daughter's level.

Then suddenly with no warning in the middle of the book.....runaway slaves. Now I understand slavery is part of the Civil War and part of our nation's history. And someday I will explain slaves to my daughter. And genocide. And torture. And Vietnam. And Guantanamo. But she's only five. She's still having trouble with the concept of "I won't be your friend anymore."

To say I was shocked is compare slavery to "I won't be your friend anymore." I was calling my husband on the phone as soon as I was home alone and babbling incoherently to him. It's not that I think picture books must cover subject matter appropriate to a five year old. It's that I expected there to be some warning. Some indication that the content is other than for preschoolers.

For example another book called Team Mates had on the cover an African American man in a baseball uniform and a white man in a baseball uniform. On the back it contained words like "segregation" and the "Negro Baseball Leagues". I skimmed that book and it talked about segregation and how there were two leagues and such. Nothing about slavery. As the sister of a special needs brother my daughter already unfortunately knows that sometimes people are mean to other people just because of the way they look or act. I told her she could read that one with a grownup.

Anyway I want to thank that librarian for giving me an education. You can bet that I'll be reading skimming all my daughter's books until I feel she's old enough to deal with any subject matter that might come up.

Even chapter books that feature sweet photos of a fluffy dog are not five-year-old safe. The back merely said it was about a dog from the pound and some sort of mystery. Midway through the book another dog dies. I asked my daughter if she wanted to read a book about a dog that dies. "No" she said firmly. That book went away too.

I'm also a little angry. I ask myself why books for kids aren't rated. I personally find reading and then imagining something to be infinitely more scary than anything I could watch or hear. I think it's because books are undervalued.

Don't get me wrong. I think the rating system for visual and aural media is far from perfect. I still have to watch/hear it before I'll give it to my daughter. However right there on the cover I have a good idea of what I might be getting into. I don't have to go halfway through before I realize "not appropriate".

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Love is a battle

Pat Bentar sang "Love is a battlefield." She must have been singing about Special K and Little T. Special K call this "a battle." "I just decided to do a battle that day." They playfully wrestle all the time together and hug and laugh and laugh. Here's the video proof.

Special K holiday sing

Special K said "What about me?" So here I give you two snippets from her star performance at her holiday preschool sing.

For every song she sang like this with her heart in every note, faithfully miming every motion to every song. She might have a career in show business. Do you know who Shirley Temple is? I think America's ready for a Eurasian one, but alas these are among the only two where she faces the camera most of the time! ;)

Snuggling right from the start

Special K has snuggled her brother right from the start. Every morning she loves to climb in our bed and snuggle everyone. I got this on camera, because we were at a wedding in May of last year.

His hair looks so funny from the chemo. We call it his old man look.

My little girl's strength

When my son was in and out of the hospital, sometimes people would say "It must be hard to have another one at home." I reply "No, it's wonderful to have her." She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest days. I'd come home from a long day at the hospital and she'd give me hug and kisses like this.

She can be sweetness and light. She can be a very demanding girl. She wants her fair share of attention. I can't say I blame her. I can be distracted with Little T, and his numerous apts, stuff to do for him, writing, and stuff to run the house. Right now she wants chocolate, her favorite dessert. She's asked nicely, so I should deliver.

Love of Learning

Edited: My two kids' relationship goes in waves of fighting, or sweet sibling bliss, never in between. A couple weeks until yesterday we had a particularly long bout of fighting. Little T was smacking Special K on the face. She cried in pain and bewilderment. He'd climb over her to get somewhere else, kneeing her in the process. He'd grab her toys and scream until she gave them to him. "He's so annoying!" was Special K's constant refrain. Not exactly a great photo for Love Thursday. :) Then today as if on cue for Love Thursday, as we were driving to gym this morning, I captured more recent love.



Yesterday Special K and he had a playfight where they tumbled about and tangled legs, and laughed and laughed. After that he kept jabbering to her sweet nonesense. "I don't understand what he's saying!" Special K exclaimed as bewildered but also delighted. He follows her everywhere, tries to keep up with Special K and her friends. When she was sitting at dinner yesterday, he pulled himself and leaned his head against her several times putting his arm around her. Then today this moment. I hope love will reign for a couple weeks.


Here's the original photo of another time when love also reigned, but back in November. Special K is copying Little T, who is pointing at something and I'm sorry, but I've forgotten what he found so fascinating. So it shows Special K and Little T's love for each other and their curiousity aka love of learning.



For Love Thursday

Sister and brother love

For Chookooloonks and Momster comes another Love Thursday. From the first day she saw him in the NICU, Special K has loved Little T. This photo was from the first day she was allowed to hold him. She was so thrilled she gave him a big kiss.


Special K and Little T laugh together every day. They share private jokes between them that I don't understand. Most are non-verbal since many of them began before my son could say a word.

Special K says about Little T "He's so handsome!" "He's so sweet!" "He's so annoying!" (when he pulls her hair)

At almost two years old, but only 30 inches and 22lb, my son's small but scrappy. Special K's quick to intervene if anyone gets in his face. She says "That's my brother!" If he does something wrong, she says apolegetically "That's my brother. He doesn't know any better cos he's a baby."

Technorati Tag: Love Thursday

I celebrate my son's half shoe size successes

My son has grown half a shoe size. I know for many parents this isn't a cause to jump up and down and celebrate, but for us with a child who didn't grow for months, we're so thrilled.

On Friday, we had my son's Individual Family Service Plan(IFSP) for Early Start. We discussed his progress for the past six months, or in our case the past nine months because his IFSP got delayed like everything else. ;) The report and the goals outline which services he receives.

His ISFP report outlines how my son had another relapse of his tumor, his third, and a secondary infection. After he started chemo and massive amounts of steroids, he stopped talking if one word a day counts as talking and he stopped pulling up. He started pulling up again a couple months later. He didn't meet his goals to walk or to be weaned off his g-tube, but he's worked hard.

He met these goals:

get up on his knees, cruise 90% of the time, reach up on his toes and walk with assistance of another parent or a walker - hooray

He can also stand independently if standing for 10 seconds counts. :) Okay it doesn't, but he's working on it.

He initiates conversations. He says these words all the time "go", "ball" "bubble" "bye" "yum" "uh oh" "wow" "yeah" and "mama". He says "backpack" "car" and "dada" maybe once a week. He'll say "mo" (more) "baba" (bottle) "fire truck" "bird" and "ca ca" (cracker) if you say the word first. He understands quite a bit, but other words he won't repeat.

I list these individual words, because now I'm a parent, I no longer believe the quote "The limits of your language are the limits of your world." But these words surely reflect his personality. He's a "yeah" guy not "yes" and "wow" is actually "wowwwwwww", a term of great approval. "go" tells me to go outside where he wants to play all the time and rush around. He's so active. Backpack reflects his and his sister's passion for Dora the Explorer.

He made some progress towards feeding. He eats like a typical toddler now instead of examining each bite like an inspector. He eats 3 tablespoons at each meal instead of 1-2. He drinks 3 oz of formula a day instead of 1.

His goals for the next six months are to walk, talk more and to eat more.

And to me, half a shoe size symbolizes where we are right now. It's not the full shoe size of typical kids. But when I think about where those little feet have been in the past nine months, I feel incredibly proud of what he's accomplished.

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Walking the education balance beam

On Monday my daughter graduated from Mini Star 1 gymnastics. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I'm proud of her. On the other hand she seemed happy to stay in Mini Star 1 forever until her friend Sylvia moved up to Mini Star 2. I know it's the beginning of a long line of graduations and keeping up with her friends.

She's always loved gym. However when she started, she was terrified of the balance beam. She wouldn't walk across it unless someone held her hand. Passing Mini Star 1 requires her not only to walk across the beam unassisted, but to tiptoe across it.

She used to laugh and giggle at gymnastics. Now she looks more serious. I don't want to push her, at least not about gymnastics. I've talked to parents around here who sneer at parents who say they won't push their kids. I have a more nuanced view. I think sometimes we all need a little encouragement, a little nudge to do better, strive more, at the right time, because the balance beam, life is scary and discouraging. But I never want my kids to feel my love is conditional on their performance. I also think kids need unstructured play time or they will grow up as adults unable to sit down and relax.

I personally was a product of parents who pushed me too much. When we moved here from London, I was attending a boy's boarding school. My parents thrust me into sixth grade at age ten. I had a fair degree of social intelligence, but even the most socially saavy ten year old can't navigate the intriacies of twelve-year old social networks. I was lost and they knew it. It was also a small class of about fifteen girls. I made one friend each year. Then that friend's parents would notice she only had one friend and she's get transferred to a different school. Now my parents tell me not to worry about my children's education. It's terribly ironic.

And here we reach the crux of the matter. Twenty five some years later and I worry I'm not recovered enough from my horrible educational experiences to make choices based on what my daughter needs. Actually worry is too strong a term. In the grand scheme of things that concern Thida, this is a 2 where 10 was serious worry that my son would die. I know my daughter will be fine and I'm conscious this is a land of plenty problem. But nonetheless I want the very best for my daughter and my son. And it's something I can endlessly discuss with my husband, because we're deluged with choices.

But you know gymnastics is part of my recovery process. I'd never take it in a million years. It's the type of thing I'm spectacularly bad at. It requires eye hand coordination and good balance which I don't have due to my movement disorder. Horrifying stories of my youth buried and forgotten surround gym. The first time she was tested, I clenched my fists half convinced they'd flunk her.

Of course they didn't and it's all worked out beautifully. We took it because her friends were taking it. If I take that lesson to her education, we'd move to Los Altos. All her friends were living in Mountain View, but almost all are moving to Los Altos school district. Problem is Los Altos doesn't have as good special needs resources and I don't want to live in a town without sidewalks. But still I'm trying to learn to walk the education balance beam without being so scared. I'm not my parents. And while school was a place of horror for years, I did eventually go to a wonderful college and get an MBA from UC Berkeley, so my parents did pretty well after all.

We've tentatively decided to put my daughter in Spanish Immersion in the local Mountain View district. She's four this year and already doing Kindergarten math and learning to read. She has asked us to learn both. I hope learning Spanish will keep her interested enough that she won't get bored. I think the mix of students will be enough of the achievers. I think she'll do fine as long as she's not with girls who think it's good to be dumb and pretty. You know the type of girls I mean. I actually don't care about test scores so much as the social mix and not getting bored.

I have no idea what to do with my son who's almost two, but has multiple physical delays, speech delays but is socially advanced and seems bright. I think he'll catch up with his speech in the next year, but he'll need occupational therapy for his arm for years and years. We think about moving to Palo Alto, but with the money we'd spend we could pay for so much therapy. Plus we really love where we live. It's walking distance to the library, park, shops. And two of the neighbors have boys my daughter's age.

Sometimes it sounds silly to me to be thinking of education now when the kids are in not even in kindergarten, but if we change our minds, the waiting lists are long and moving, well, that's a whole other nightmare. How are you walking the education balance beam?

Top Ten Signs My Kids Love Silicon Valley

Top Ten Signs My Kids Live In Silicon Valley, my second post on Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

10. My 4-year old daughter says, "I can speak Spanish" and says a Spanish word. We're not a bilingual family nor does she attend a bilingual preschool.
9. My daughter takes her own pictures with our digital camera.
8. My daughter asks me, "Why don't we order that on Amazon?"
7. My 2-year old son's playgroup is coordinated entirely via email.
6. My daughter asked, "Is the opposite of ok 'cancel'?"
5. When I asked "Do you know the recycling song?" on the playground, the kids knew several different recycling songs and sang them to me.
4. My daughter sent her first email at 3 years old and received her first email at that age too.
3. I first discovered my daughter could read when she read words on a video game.
2. My daughter says, "Let's go out for sushi."
1. My daughter says, "I need to go do my work" and goes and types on her own laptop (an old IBM Thinkpad) given to her by her dad.

Special K talks about Racism

Special K has a strange understanding of race. We don't tend to talk about race much, more ethnicities, because she's a multi-racial child and those around here tend to be also. When we attended my brother's wedding, she suddenly started talking about her "black friend." I got all worried. What kind of message was I sending my child that this was the way she referred to people? But C asked her "Who's your black friend, honey?" "Eliot." she responded. Eliot is a blond, blue-eyed child who wore black that day.

Yesterday we went to the Stanford museum and saw a photo of the Klu Klux Klan. "Who are those people?" she asked. I said "They're bad people who dress up in white masks and white hats to try scare people, because they think that looking white makes them better than anybody else." She said "I don't think they're better than anybody else."

An angry young black girl according to Special K's definition