A farewell pose

Hello,
I should have left a note at the door or something.

I stopped blogging in September. My first service dog Hermione was on her way to retiring. I knew it and it loomed large and it was completely unbloggable mostly because I didn't want her puppyraisers to find about it other than the CCI approved way since I certainly didn't know what to say.

All is copasetic. Hermione's living with her puppyraisers as their pet and having a wonderful time. I have a successor service dog named Tovi who's just fab. I could have blogged this back in February when it all happened.

But I just didn't feel like it. I'd start a post and then never post it. I got an email from Blog Her ads that they were closing my account. I'm sad about it, because it represents a departure from the momblogger community if I ever belonged, but not sad enough to post.

But I held an Oscar at my daughter's school district fundraisers. Just briefly because it's really heavy. In our group photo, Tovi's gazing right at the Oscar like she knows she won it. She certainly has won the Oscar for Best Performance by an Assistance Dog.

Several months later...(I can be a slow thinker) and I realize what's happened. My daughter's learning to read precipitated the end of this blog. My daughter's extremely kind, but until I became a mother, I myself didn't understand how hard it is and how fiercely I love my children.

I don't regret anything I've written, because it was my truth at the time. I do regret hurting anyone's feelings, because that was never my intention. A blog also has the unique capacity to capture one's feeling and thoughts at moment in time, but freeze them as if they were forever.

And so I say farewell to you on this blog. Thank you for all your comments. Most of you have been very sweet. Of course I'll be elsewhere on the Internet. I've been online since the mid 80's and am too stuck in my ways to stop now.

You can also read my essays "Gimp Geek" in the anthology She's Such a Geek and "Popeye" in My Baby Rides the Short Bus appearing this winter.

My Hermione matching story

They didn't bring Hermione out to our class until the end of the second day which is the last day before prematches when they give you a dog they think you might graduate with. When they gave me her leash, I felt the calmest I had felt the entire Team Training. I'm not normally a nervous person, but Team Training was hard with no family the first week.

I also felt she was smart and like she could also be really sweet, although she was being her serious public self. I thought all the dogs had special qualities. But I was all worried about prematches. I hadn't seen Hermone's goofy playful side, so I was worried.

There were 3 folks coming back for successor dogs and they all seemed content to wait for their matches. I should have taken their cue.

The night before prematches I tossed and turned until 3am. Then I remembered how one of the trainers commented she liked how she said Hermione. I went to sleep and slept soundly the rest of the night.

The next day I walked in our class and snuck a peek at the crates that were there. Hermione's crate was there and I got a little excited.

The Skilled Companions went first. As some of the kids were matched their total joy made me cry. I laughed when they gave one mom the CCI cat dressed in a vest, because she had petted the cat the whole time.

Then it was my class' turn. I saw a black dog being brought out. Was that my dog? The trainer brought the dog down the hall and someone else in my service class was announced. The person looked thrilled. Another black dog that I thought was a great dog went to someone else. An enormous yellow dog went to someone. I thought he was a wonderful dog, but too big for my kids. Then I saw petite Hermione being led down the hall. I held my breath. There were still some folks left. They started leading Hermione over to me and announced Hermione's name and my name and I cried all over Hermione. Hermione wagged her tail. I was thrilled.

Knowing what I know now, Hermione was giving me her polite tail wag, not the entire wiggle butt I get every morning, but it was enough for me that day.

Hermione seemed polite but somewhat aloof that first day. Then on Valentine's day, we had our first night with the dogs. As soon as we got to our room, Hermione's tail started wagging. Then when I leaned down to turn on the tv, she rolled on her back exposing her tummy. I petted her and she thumped her tail.

However I still wasn't sure if Hermione really wanted to be with me. Final matches hadn't been announced yet and I took it a personal thing about my bonding with Hermione. My family was coming and I fretted about whether to kennel her for 36 hours while my family settled in or not. I decided to kennel her.

On Monday morning, I walked into the classroom and heard this loud thumping from Hermione's crate. We were supposed to have a lecture and then do command practice with the dogs. The thumping continued louder and louder. Finally the trainers said "Okay we'll let the dogs out first." Hermione wiggled out and wiggled her entire butt. I put her on her leash and she walked calmly over to the table and did a UNDER with this long satisfied sigh and settled down for a nap by my feet. Finally the clueless human got a clue bone.

As soon as we got home, she bounced around in excitement. My kids call her "maniac dog", because she can run like the wind. She is also still "chill dog" and "snooze dog"

My new life with Hermione, my service dog

Sorry I've not updated in so long. My whole life changed the day before Valentine's Day when I received my new partner service dog Hermione. She brings magic into my life everyday. We go out everyday by ourselves and I walk faster, because I don't have two kids in tow and because Hermione matches my steps, so if I stumble I have an area where I know to go.

I hadn't realized how much subconsciously I avoided going out without my adorable kids. But now I have a pretty dog. People smile at me and open doors for me and Hermione instead of getting impatient with me for being slow or dropping things or worse make rude remarks as if I can't hear. Hermione also opens my fridge door, pushes push plates and picks things up for me.

I thought I was getting a dog to help me. The organization I got her from is called Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). I've also thought of myself as an independent person and spent the first few days I was at CCI wondering if I belonged there with folks in wheelchairs. Then I got really discouraged as my spatial issues became profoundly clear. Then I actually worked on them instead of spending that time kicking myself for not for example understanding how a door opens without actually seeing it open.

One of my LJ friends put it best I've spent most of my life trying to "pretend I was a defective normal person instead of a "ok person with a disability." As one of my classmates said to me "I embrace my limitations rather than fighting them so I can do more." I am still exhausted from my training and my increased physical activity of exercising a dog and walking more. But my whole outlook has changed. I don't fight to get by. I try to figure out how to adapt conditions to improve my life with my disability. Already I'm doing more. I can't wait to see what future brings.

Laptop cured, but I'm sick and nervous about leaving the kids

I have a cold virus.

I am putting together my packing list for Team Training for Canine Companions for Independence (CCI) which is just 10 days away.

Yesterday I photocopied the schedule for the entire 2 weeks, my dorm assignments and all the directions to various places around the CCI campus.

Don't get me wrong. C's a wonderful father, but he's a WAW (Work at Work) dad. But WOW is how folks often view dads that do anything with their kids. I'm nervous, because I'm basically leaving the kids under his care for 13 days and I feel he has NO idea about what it's like to look after the kids full-time. He's gone camping with them and several other families for a couple weekends, but the village helps out.

Ironically I would feel better if he was a bit more nervous. Instead he says things "I think we'll be fine." I hope he is nervous, but just doesn't want me to worry.

Lifechanging news, exciting news and commenting

My first and best news is that I will getting my service dog in February. I was invited to Team Training at Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). It's the best holiday gift I've ever received!! I feel incredibly excited and blessed.

Around the New Year CCI will send me an enormous binder chock full of info basically everything I'm expected to learn in Team Training, so I expect to blog more about this. Not the contents themselves since that belongs to CCI, but rather my reactions to it all. I should note that CCI has a pretty strict policy against not revealing the name of my dog or identifying details about my dog until graduation which will also be my sixth wedding anniversary. My human partner has graciously agreed to share the day with my new dog partner.

I do like the CCI logo a lot, but as it involves a person in a wheelchair, it doesn't seem quite appropriate to put in my blog as I'm not in a wheelchair. I know it's the universal symbol for disabled or special needs which I definitely claim. And I even have a disabled parking placard. Still I'm at a loss what picture to put for this post, since I don't know what my future partner will look like. Oh well.

Not life changing, but exciting Peter Jackson will be producing The Hobbit in 2009 in a two part series.
It was my extended family tradition to watch Lord of the Rings each Christmas.

Of less importance to me personally, but of import to readers of this blog, you can comment now using Open ID.

Thank you

Thank you Fenders Collision for fixing the latch on my car door so it shuts properly. You had the right tool and just screwed it in. And you all are so nice.

Thank you for the nice handwritten note my CCI friend.

Thank you Little T for having good vision even if you didn't want to cooperate with the optometrist.

Maybe another miracle today

Preliminary results look good for Little T. Not only no seizures found but the neurologist said his EEG was "completely normal." I'm still wishing on my CCI dog star that he doesn't find anything on closer examination.

I don't have a normal EEG. So if after all he's been through my son's EEG is normal I consider it a miracle.

I got a CCI dog at the hospital

A CCI service team that I met at the graduate pool party was at the hospital last night for a pet therapy session. What a total transformation. He was Mr. Service Dog lying still in a proper down position with his head held high. He clearly loves his work and to play. What amazing dogs!

Still waiting to see if my Little T wish came true. Maybe. We'll find out more later. But having my service dog wish come true unexpectedly and not at all how I planned has given me hope. Aren't most gifts like that?

If wishes were dogs

"If wishes were horses beggars would ride" is an old old saying.

Today I can't help wishing that wishes were dogs. On Tuesday my son will go to the hospital for 1-5 days for testing. A parent has to be there at all times. I can't help wishing my service dog could be there. My dog whom I don't have yet. A dog who could sit there and be a friend to us.

I include no photo since it doesn't matter what the dog looks like as long as the dog is patient and loving and can sit for a while.

But I'd also have to wish for proper training and the right dog for me and my family. A lot of wishes that I can't make true right now. It's just the way things work.

Instead I spend my wishes that my son's stay will be short and relatively sweet.

No need to hurry

A few weekends ago I went to a Pool Party with 20 dogs that had graduated from the Canine Companions for Independence (CCI) program or were CCI breeders. They ran around and swam but otherwise there was little incident. Apparently this is highly unusual.

I started looking at photos of CCI dogs again. I do this both as a way to distract myself and also because I'm aware of the countdown until the next Team Training in November. I try to remember the power of taking my time. I realize that for a long time my cat Mori had this role for me in my life. He would sit in my lap and purr and I would sit there and pet him -- slow down. Then my children wanted to be held a lot which I alternately liked and found literally hurtful to my wrists. Little T wants to be held a lot but never for long. Special K sometimes wants a brief hug and has her nightly cuddle but it's also short. I no longer have the 1/2 half "enforced" sit-down of breastfeeding or just holding a nonambulatory child. I think I need it.

Yesterday I sat down in the park with the kids. For the first time since Little T started going to the park I wasn't really in super vigilance mode most of the time. I relaxed because suddenly Little T can play in the 2-5 year old area of the park by himself.

I also note with some irony that the command to tell CCI dogs to relieve themselves is "Hurry" Clearly hurrying is not something a CCI person is expected to do otherwise.

Who appointed you to define what I need?

As you may know I'm on the waiting list for a service dog from Canine Companions for Independence. I thought I was just getting a service dog but I've discovered I've actually joined an entire pack of warm funny terribly earnest and responsible community of CCI people not unlike the dogs themselves I suppose. Anyway blogging and LJ intersects with this community and one of the CCI pack who has a hearing dog included in her LJ this link: Seek Geo asks: "Do deafies need hearing dogs?"


Never being afraid to share my opinion with those who want to read it. I share it here. I do not share it with Seek Geo since I don't think he was asking me but other deafies. I have minor auditory processing issues due to a scar in one ear drum but I think that still makes me a hearie since I can hear well enough not to need a hearing dog or any other hearing assistance device.

I am amused and puzzled and pained by the inherent contradictions in the Seek Geo movie/discussion.

First of all it was kind of Seek Geo to include captions or I wouldn't have been able to understand the movie at all. So on some level Seek Geo acknowledges there's a wide world out there that doesn't use his primary language.

Then I was really really mystified after Karen wrote how her hearing dog saved her life by alerting her to a forklift that was backing up into her and she couldn't hear (obviously) and couldn't see because her back was turned to it. Seek Geo wrote in response something like "Well it was just the one time." To me that speaks of a deep level of denial.

Seek Geo also pains me. I guess in some ways I used to take Seek Geo's attitude that I'm no different than anyone else. My wrists are trashed as a result of it and I have more needs now.

I am all for "I can do everything that an able-bodied person can... just in a different way." I can definitely understand dislike of the term disabled. I used to kinda hate it but now I've come to terms with "special needs". I have special needs whether it be a dog or drugs or more rest or equipment or whatever. That's just not going to change. Even if my jerking stops and my balance improves and my wrists get better. It will be due to my special needs being fulfilled.

I feel alienated from Seek Geo and not because he's deaf but because I feel he comes from the attitude of my parents' generation. "Don't talk about how your needs are different or special even if it means that if your needs aren't accommodated you can't fully participate in society or you may even endanger yourself. Disabled people are in wheelchairs or blind or mentally retarded. Otherwise you are not disabled. Almost getting killed by a forklift because you missed something. Well it's not because you have needs that weren't met. It's because you should have been more careful. You don't need a dog to alert you. You don't need anything except what I say you need. So stop whining like a baby and just take your lumps."