Dorma Pavarotti

Luciano Pavarotti's magnificient voice sleeps forever today. Pavarotti's most famous signature song "Nessun Dorma"(Let no one sleep) was from my favorite opera Turandot. I am sad I will never hear him sing live ever again.

Kindergarten is great but I want to go back to being a baby and grow up again

Special K is not just attending Kindergarten now but a real person to her teacher among her class of 20. No mean feat in a little under a week but I was not the one who named her Special K. She is the proud recipient of two gold stars and a "Your daughter can read." Why yes she can.

Little T goes everyday and sits and reads with her so in his mind he's going to Kindergarten too.

For the first week she sat and read at the YMCA afterschool program. I was a little concerned she might simply choose to read the entire time. A sign I think of how I had lost my moorings that I worried my daughter had lost her essentially social nature. I think she just choose to adjust to "Spanish Kindergarten" (PC name Dual Immersion) first and then when she was settled in her class then deal with the Y. That is so like her. The other day she put away her book and plunged into all the Y games and activities.

Already at five my daughter sees growing up is a mixed bag. That she has said goodbye to her beloved preschool and she can never go back. She tells me "I want to go back to being a baby and then back to preschool and then again to Kindergarten and round again." I did not really learn this lesson until Special K was half done being a baby and I realised the time had gone by so quickly and in my rush to get out of the sheer drudgery of her day-to-day care I had not appreciated enough her basic good health and just babyness. I did appreciate her as a person and I did relax during breastfeeding.

Oh baby if you only knew if how much I wish I could go back to the good times of your babyhood. Instead I try to appreciate you now. I watched you running so fast in the playground yesterday laughing and hair flying. I hope all your days are as carefree.

No need to hurry

A few weekends ago I went to a Pool Party with 20 dogs that had graduated from the Canine Companions for Independence (CCI) program or were CCI breeders. They ran around and swam but otherwise there was little incident. Apparently this is highly unusual.

I started looking at photos of CCI dogs again. I do this both as a way to distract myself and also because I'm aware of the countdown until the next Team Training in November. I try to remember the power of taking my time. I realize that for a long time my cat Mori had this role for me in my life. He would sit in my lap and purr and I would sit there and pet him -- slow down. Then my children wanted to be held a lot which I alternately liked and found literally hurtful to my wrists. Little T wants to be held a lot but never for long. Special K sometimes wants a brief hug and has her nightly cuddle but it's also short. I no longer have the 1/2 half "enforced" sit-down of breastfeeding or just holding a nonambulatory child. I think I need it.

Yesterday I sat down in the park with the kids. For the first time since Little T started going to the park I wasn't really in super vigilance mode most of the time. I relaxed because suddenly Little T can play in the 2-5 year old area of the park by himself.

I also note with some irony that the command to tell CCI dogs to relieve themselves is "Hurry" Clearly hurrying is not something a CCI person is expected to do otherwise.

Little T performs wonders again

I took Little T to his language evaluation and the SLP there pronounced him typical. He still has his problems but apparently he will just get over them with a little help from me and preschool.

I had been coming to the same conclusion myself beginning right after I scheduled this eval. Little T suddenly decided to catch up a whole bunch on language especially in the last month after months of literally halting progress. I decided to keep the eval in case the problems turned out to be therapy worthy since my comparison point is Special K who started talking very early and very often. However my children ever delight in making me look silly.

I still remember my pediatrician asking me at one of Special K's first appointments. "Can she point?" "No" I replied since up until that time she never had. "Where's Elmo?" the ped asked and lo and behold Special K pointed to Elmo like she had been pointing her entire life. My jaw dropped. The pediatrician smiled and checked "Can Point" on her chart.

It's still sinking in to be honest. Right now he's quiet because he's watching tv. Yeah bad mom. TV clearly retards speech. But his speech/language is like his fine motor in his right arm. For a long time he had a depressing litany of delayed delayed in his tests "he needs therapy now(Mom run around and get him some)" and then suddenly he was typical typical typical "Don't worry mom". If his fine motor of his right arm is anything to go by he'll be singing complete songs soon enough. He loves songs and I have to say he can already carry a tune better than his sister. With the right help the healing and resilience of children is truly miraculous.

Fridges and writing

I went so far as to call Samsung and talked to second tier support aka technical support. After several minutes of back and forth the guy told me with some surprise like "The models today have curved handles." Oh!! I look at Lowes and there is the fridge perhaps of my dreams in all its shiny beauty.

I also realized I've gotten into the bad habit again of telling myself I'm not a writer because I don't write. I do write every single darn day. Most of it is stuff directly for Little T. Letters and plans. Some of it is blogging. Today's writing besides blogging was to write a letter for myself telling Paratransit why it's unrealistic to expect a person with a movement disorder to put in car seats. Then maybe I can actually go places with the kids by myself that is not walking distance of my house. What a concept. At some point I will get through the mound of paperwork needed to get the help Little T and I need to just live our lives. But instead I spent my time on the phone about shiny fridges so someday I can open my fridge door without pain.

Little T pulling a wagon

Little T has one strong right arm/hand

Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or I have gotten too serious?

Special K has a high tolerance for fantasy violence and death. She used to play World of Warcraft and now she plays Guild Wars with her dad because the online community aspect is limited only to certain areas. She has a low tolerance for real violence and death. She draws a sharp distinction between the two. Whoever said that kids don't understand the difference has not met my child. Classic fairytales are also full of violence and death. Some children are frightened by them and others are not.

I guess how far we'll let her read will depend on how "real" she thinks Harry Potter and his crew are. I'll ask her after the first book. So far she says she "doesn't get" Harry Potter so I guess Harry Potter is still a little above her.

Meanwhile I found it hard to get into reading the seventh book. I skipped to the end and read the last few pages. Very bad I know. For a few days it sat there in all its largeness. I know Harry Potter has big problems but I feel like I have several Voldemorts to deal with and I'm on quest to destroy them before they destroy my son's chance at a good life. Okay overly dramatic but isn't that what the series is all about?

Now I've started reading it and I find it interesting but it doesn't have the same 'must it read' it feel the I had for the other books. Has Harry Potter lost its appeal or am I have gotten too serious? Or is this book just a bit too grim? What appeals to you about Harry Potter? Do you think the last book was as good as the rest? Which is your favorite Harry Potter book? Why do you read seven books of such huge length?

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog on 8/17

More shiny - in fridge form

We need a new fridge. Our current one hurts my wrists each and every time I open it because it is broken and because the shape of the handles causes my hands to cramp painfully as I grip them. Our current fridge is white not stainless steel. However it's easier to see the handles in this color

A repair person fixed it so it's less broken but still painful and says the handles can't be replaced. It's been this way since we moved in almost six years ago but a new fridge that would actually work for me has 4 doors which is more than I want to pay a fridge. Yes I'm cheap frugal.

Here's the shiny fridge I want to buy. C is currently testing to see if its slightly larger depth will interfere with kitchen traffic. He's pulled our current fridge out by 3 inches. So far I've noticed no difference. C notices slightly but then he moved the fridge.

4 doors good. AFAIK this is the only fridge with 4 doors. There are french door fridges but these have doors on the bottom that I find hard to pull out. The handles are still not quite what I would like as I'd prefer more curved handles but I think the greatly decreased weight of the four doors (plus actually having a fridge that's properly weighted) will
help a lot.

I'd really prefer more curved handles like these. They seem easier to grip. But that's not an option with the quattro fridge.

Borrowed happiness with money

Rob Brezsny wrote once "Money can't buy you happiness but it can let you borrow it for a while while you figure out to get it for free."

Yesterday we bought me a shiny new laptop. See how it shines. Sturdy magnesium chassis a label stuck next to the touchpad reads. No shiny. Sturdy too.

I used to use my husband C's laptop but its power supply keeps dying and usually it's dead just when I have an hour to write. I must confess that 80% of my writing has been writing stuff for Little T and I mean letters to bureaucrats and doctors on his behalf. The other 20% is blogging. The only way I seem able to write these days is to leave the house entirely away from the numerous Little T letters that keep wanting to be written.

Once away other things ask to be written but I have no laptop. I need to rewrite my picture book. And I have a novel but I have not actually worked on enough to know what is yet. Just who the characters are.

My nonfiction book sits there waiting impatiently to be finished but I tell it that I just can't. We're back in hospital hell. And the book revisits hospital hell in graphic detail. "More fuel for me" the book says in the candid tone it is written. "I think I have enough material and I need a bit more distance." But it will get finished. I just need. Well I'd like to just get the hell out of the hospital.

Tomorrow we will literally spend all day in the hospital with our son who has been deliberately kept awake. Tests will be run. It will probably be hellish. The only bright spot in this otherwise dismal day will be the arrival of our WII. Oh and we bought WII play yesterday and we'll buy another WII game. Ye gods I had no idea these video games systems were so expensive.

Little T turns three next month. For the first time ever we have bought one of those party packages at a party place. Money buys me time and the party we had at the place for bigger kids made Little T happy. It's also a celebration that Little T can actually go to such places.

I also bought a package for Special K for April. She wanted one this year but by the time Little T was clear to attend such places the place was fully booked.

We also test drove a Honda Odyssey and Toyota Sienna. So clear who wins. It's our bid to trade money for the ability for me to drive again. We'll see if it works.

So I'm doing my part to keep the US economy afloat.

And I hope it lets me borrow some happiness for a while. But I would trade it all for better health for Little T. Unfortunately that I can't seem to buy.

Who appointed you to define what I need?

As you may know I'm on the waiting list for a service dog from Canine Companions for Independence. I thought I was just getting a service dog but I've discovered I've actually joined an entire pack of warm funny terribly earnest and responsible community of CCI people not unlike the dogs themselves I suppose. Anyway blogging and LJ intersects with this community and one of the CCI pack who has a hearing dog included in her LJ this link: Seek Geo asks: "Do deafies need hearing dogs?"


Never being afraid to share my opinion with those who want to read it. I share it here. I do not share it with Seek Geo since I don't think he was asking me but other deafies. I have minor auditory processing issues due to a scar in one ear drum but I think that still makes me a hearie since I can hear well enough not to need a hearing dog or any other hearing assistance device.

I am amused and puzzled and pained by the inherent contradictions in the Seek Geo movie/discussion.

First of all it was kind of Seek Geo to include captions or I wouldn't have been able to understand the movie at all. So on some level Seek Geo acknowledges there's a wide world out there that doesn't use his primary language.

Then I was really really mystified after Karen wrote how her hearing dog saved her life by alerting her to a forklift that was backing up into her and she couldn't hear (obviously) and couldn't see because her back was turned to it. Seek Geo wrote in response something like "Well it was just the one time." To me that speaks of a deep level of denial.

Seek Geo also pains me. I guess in some ways I used to take Seek Geo's attitude that I'm no different than anyone else. My wrists are trashed as a result of it and I have more needs now.

I am all for "I can do everything that an able-bodied person can... just in a different way." I can definitely understand dislike of the term disabled. I used to kinda hate it but now I've come to terms with "special needs". I have special needs whether it be a dog or drugs or more rest or equipment or whatever. That's just not going to change. Even if my jerking stops and my balance improves and my wrists get better. It will be due to my special needs being fulfilled.

I feel alienated from Seek Geo and not because he's deaf but because I feel he comes from the attitude of my parents' generation. "Don't talk about how your needs are different or special even if it means that if your needs aren't accommodated you can't fully participate in society or you may even endanger yourself. Disabled people are in wheelchairs or blind or mentally retarded. Otherwise you are not disabled. Almost getting killed by a forklift because you missed something. Well it's not because you have needs that weren't met. It's because you should have been more careful. You don't need a dog to alert you. You don't need anything except what I say you need. So stop whining like a baby and just take your lumps."

Very very busy. Long time no write.

I went to a special WWI party hosted by Nintendo and a local mommy blogger called CityMama. Nintendo gave me a special number to call and get a WII. So I bought one. More later.

Still life then onward into battle

My world was quiet and silent without the kids while they and my husband went camping this weekend. I relaxed a lot and watched a lot of tv. The first thing my husband said when he saw me was "You look refreshed." But oh I missed them so! Their loud calls of "Mama mama!" and their constant need to touch.

And today I plunged back into the stress of dealing with insurance. My husband's company changed insurance yet again. And of course the first time it was all wrong. And of course the wrong code was not for me or for my husband who aren't the ones with tons of authorizations but for the children. Of course my son is the one that has the authorizations.

After several hours I think it may have been sorted out so I can fight the battle of actually getting speech therapy for my son. But the day is not over yet so we shall see.

The night my world was poisoned

In the quiet while my kids and husband went camping I wrote the night my world was poisoned on Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Special needs playgroup

Finally last Sunday we made it to the playgroup for the parents and kids of special needs who are on this local email list.

We all had a wonderful time. Another kid with CP who was aged five came over to me. Instant recognition. When Little T was busy elsewhere he wanted me to play with him. I had a loads of fun with him. I knew how to encourage him. When to offer a hand. That a hand on the back is reassuring while allowing him to do it himself. We ran the same sort of trotting run that Little T does. We laughed.

Little T also played on the 4 seat teeter toter which is the best PT and OT device EVER. Two hands required and lots of bouncing.

More riding

Yesterday I trotted almost the entire time. Something I would not have thought possible a few weeks ago. I now have riding pants which helps a lot.

Louie Louie my horse would hang his head down sometimes both to get a bit of rest and to test how tired I was getting. If I shifted my weight forward because I couldn't handle the way his weight shifted then he stopped but most of the time I just kept on going. Louie also likes slowing down at the gate and so I had to remind him that no we weren't stopping there.

I'm working on sitting up which I don't do a lot of the time and putting my shoulders back. It made my shoulders quite sore. My legs are long most of the time and my back is supple and so are my hands.

I find each time I ride now different muscles get sore. My instructor says it's because I'm learning.

I find also we're shifting into a new balance where I have more confidence so I'm leading Louie around. I am better about shifting my balance when we turn so he doesn't slow down when we turn. He can anticipate that I am asking him to turn as I'm turning him more by shifting my weight than pulling his reins.

My working partnership with my horse

I'm in a therapeutic riding class with two other women with special needs (and a third who hasn't been showing up lately so I have a lot less to say about her.) These two women ride these other two horses and they work wonderfully together. These horses wouldn't work for me. These women are paraplegic so they need horses that are very steady and slow. They literally need to be hoisted onto the horse with three other people in order to mount. The horse needs to be lined up exactly so sometimes the horse has to go through the mounting blocks several times. The horse I ride tolerates this but he's not great at waiting without a rider on his back. With a rider he'll wait until the cows come home but until he gets a rider he's a bit impatient waiting for someone to please ride him. He need to be walked around and around and around. Other horses don't mind just standing there waiting. In fact they seem to rather enjoy it.

I can mount a horse pretty quickly. I need a horse that can trot and later canter. I also need a horse that is responsive but yet also gives me feedback on how I'm doing. I have a movement disorder so I sometimes jerk so I need a horse that doesn't mind that. Another horse is responsive but also twitches every time I jerk. It makes me nervous so that horse is not a good match.

The horse I'm riding now is a great match for me. After a few times he got to understand what my jerks were and ignored them. As he ignored them I relaxed more and jerked less. I tend to grip too tightly and this horse slows down in response. Other horses pull back with their heads. This is what horses "should do" as pulling too hard does hurt them. And it's a great response for someone else but for me it just leads to a negative feedback loop where I pull tighter. When I loosened my grip and moved my reins with the horse the horse went faster. It taught me fairly quickly to have softer hands and bend my elbows. My instructor had been telling me for months and I'd been steadily improving but there's nothing like direct feedback.

I'm sitting on a blanket so the horse is in close contact with me. He's sensitive to how tired I'm getting or how nervous I feel and will slow down if he feels those things. The horse is "not supposed" to do this. He's "supposed" to stop or slow down when I say so but it worked really well for me when I was learning to trot. I tend to push myself too much. He started out trotting slower which was less comfortable for him but he trots faster now as I can handle it better. This gives me a great sense of security and trust in the horse. I feel more confident. And I've learned a lot faster.

For these two other women this horse wouldn't be a great match as they have little feeling in their lower body and so can not respond to the horse in that area. This horse also tends to trip sometimes quite badly when he's not paying attention. It's never been more than a minor annoyance to me as I can feel when he's about to trip and compensate but for these women they could fall off. And in fact the tripping also lets me know that I need to engage him more and make him use his shoulders which is another weakness I have.

In the first class where I could trot for longer distances I encounted this problem with this other horse that this woman doesn't usually ride. This mare doesn't like my horse a gelding who apparently herds mares in his free time. If my horse got too close then her horse would stop. Did this woman or anyone yell at me and tell me I needed to control my horse better? Or did someone tell this woman who can't kick the horse that she should never allow her horse to stop. Of course not. Someone simply gently pointed out the problem to me. It took me a few tries to get the distance right and learn how to control my horse at a faster speed but we worked it out.

My instructor told me this horse used to ride with a girl who had brain cancer and he took care of her in much the same way. Even though fortunately I don't have brain cancer we're similar enough in the way we ride that he understands what I need.

This horse has strengths and weakness and so do I. This horse is a great match for me and a wonderful horse in the program. But I would not recommend this horse to everyone. For another person with different needs this horse would be absolutely terrible. For me he's absolutely wonderful. He has taught me so much in the few weeks I've ridden him than I've learned from riding other horses in the past 9 months. I really love this horse. He was in a demonstration show with another rider and I felt so extremely proud of him.

I hope this horse and I will be riding together for a while. But if I ride another horse I will have to learn to ride him or her and she or he will have to learn to be my rider. Some horses will be a great match and some won't.

Lead paint hazard for Thomas and Friends wooden railway toys

The CPSC web site lists all the trains included in the recall.

I'm outraged that toys so heavily marketed and EXPENSIVE contain lead paint.

Special K's first loose tooth

Special K has a loose tooth. I'm afraid that C and my initial reaction was "Isn't she too young to have a loose tooth?" A little anxiety as I google "age lose teeth"

The first entry was alarming about a 5 year old losing her teeth and the answer was "Something's wrong with her teeth. Check with a dentist."

Second entry was more soothing and said kids lose their first tooth about 5-6. Special K turned 5 in April. And it's from Parents magazine which would seem a more reliable source.

So no need to panic.

But I still think she's too young.

For her first couple years I was in such a hurry for her to grow up. Now I'm constantly thinking "Slow down! It's too fast!" But of course she grows at her own pace.

First swimming lesson

Today Little T had his first swimming lesson along with Special K. He wanted me with him in the water. I forgot my bathing suit. So I just stepped in with my clothes. He kicked a lot and had a wonderful time. Special K had initial trouble with the kick board but the lessons from last summer seem to be coming back.

The pool was a warm 90 degrees. Outside was alternately warm and freezing when the wind blew.

I climbed out soggy and wet and a couple people stared. There wasn't really anything to stare at since I fortunately wore clothes that were not see-through when wet. Wet clothes are not a big deal since I was going right home. Slightly cold though.

Somehow this seems a strange metaphor for my life. I am never quite prepared and yet I plunge in anyway.

Reading is scary and unregulated

When my daughter turned four she asked begged me to learn to read. I'm a big reader myself. I had this inkling that maybe it was kinda young but she was really eager. We started off kinda haltingly as I tried phonics without success. Then we figured out she was more of a sight reader. By the time she turned five she could pick up a picture book and read it.

She also wanted to learn to write so I got her some writing workbooks. Through writing she's learning phonics. I found the workbooks vary a lot in quality. Some have directions that *I* found hard to understand. I recommend Spectrum which you can buy at Amazon or Borders.

Now she's a reader. She reads to herself all the time. She goes to the library and checks out tons of books. She really prefers books "with a picture on every page" aka picture books. As I've discovered the reading level on picture books varies a great deal and she can read all of them.

I've also discovered that I can no longer read my email in front of my daughter. No I don't get porn or anything but the odd Cialis ad makes it through my spam filter. Once my daughter walked up to the screen at just the right moment as I was deleting spam. She asked "Mommy why are you getting email about pills?" Long pause while I try to think of a truthful answer that doesn't get into much detail. "Well honey it's a commercial (we've talked about commercials before) They think I might want those pills but I really don't need them." "Oh" she said and walked away. Now I don't read email in front of her unless I know who it's from and what it's about.

The other day I talked to a librarian about my daughter's sticking to picture books. I wondered if it was okay. She said "Sure. Picture books go all the way from preschool to sixth grade in both reading level and content." I nodded my head. The librarian gave me a really serious look. She said "You need to be careful with these early readers. They can start reading subject matter that they have no idea how to deal with." I nodded my head thinking of Cialis. She looked even more serious. "You need to read the book before you let her read it."

I must have looked confused. I do watch an episode of every show I allow my kids to watch. I vetoed "Jon and Kate plus Eight" because those parents just snipe at each other constantly. They just seem so stressed to have eight kids with no other help. But picture books? I mean they're just picture books. Right?

The librarian walked me over to the picture book section. She gave me this book called The Tin Heart. The cover had a sweet picture of two girls and a tin heart with two pieces. I skimmed the beginning of the book. It started out innocently enough. Two girls in the Civil War. The father of one made a tin heart and gave each of the girls half of the heart. It talked a lot about their impending separation. All sweet and sad. Just at my daughter's level.

Then suddenly with no warning in the middle of the book.....runaway slaves. Now I understand slavery is part of the Civil War and part of our nation's history. And someday I will explain slaves to my daughter. And genocide. And torture. And Vietnam. And Guantanamo. But she's only five. She's still having trouble with the concept of "I won't be your friend anymore."

To say I was shocked is compare slavery to "I won't be your friend anymore." I was calling my husband on the phone as soon as I was home alone and babbling incoherently to him. It's not that I think picture books must cover subject matter appropriate to a five year old. It's that I expected there to be some warning. Some indication that the content is other than for preschoolers.

For example another book called Team Mates had on the cover an African American man in a baseball uniform and a white man in a baseball uniform. On the back it contained words like "segregation" and the "Negro Baseball Leagues". I skimmed that book and it talked about segregation and how there were two leagues and such. Nothing about slavery. As the sister of a special needs brother my daughter already unfortunately knows that sometimes people are mean to other people just because of the way they look or act. I told her she could read that one with a grownup.

Anyway I want to thank that librarian for giving me an education. You can bet that I'll be reading skimming all my daughter's books until I feel she's old enough to deal with any subject matter that might come up.

Even chapter books that feature sweet photos of a fluffy dog are not five-year-old safe. The back merely said it was about a dog from the pound and some sort of mystery. Midway through the book another dog dies. I asked my daughter if she wanted to read a book about a dog that dies. "No" she said firmly. That book went away too.

I'm also a little angry. I ask myself why books for kids aren't rated. I personally find reading and then imagining something to be infinitely more scary than anything I could watch or hear. I think it's because books are undervalued.

Don't get me wrong. I think the rating system for visual and aural media is far from perfect. I still have to watch/hear it before I'll give it to my daughter. However right there on the cover I have a good idea of what I might be getting into. I don't have to go halfway through before I realize "not appropriate".

Crossposted to Silicon Valley Moms Blog