Slow

This week I didn't have any effective childcare until today. By effective, I mean childcare in which Little T wasn't crying and rushing over to me every half hour. While he's on steroids, only our nanny or the respite care people he knows can look after him without making him cry. While he may have problems talking, there's nothing wrong with the child's lungs.

I thought leaving home might work, but that utterly failed. His sitter called me and asked me to come home, because he was "suffering", because he was crying so much. Special K took it very well since I was supposed to be spending time with her. I can't take her out unless someone stays home with Little T, because he can't be exposed to germs. And as is typical, I felt a mixture of pleasure and annoyance. I don't know if this makes me a good or a terrible mom. While it was terribly annoying to have to come home because Little T was crying, I was pleased with my boy's social intelligence. He was crying a frenzy with heaving dramatic sobs utterly convincing in his great suffering. He stopped crying as soon as I held him and told him I was staying. He gave me a look of great satisfaction and a big grin. I just read a blog from someone whose kid doesn't care who looks after him. Definitely not the case with my laddie.

I realised that I have written 90% of the first three chapters, but still need to complete the toughest 10%, which will probably take more time than I want to think about.

Part of what I need to write about includes death, which I didn't even want to think about until Little T was stabilized. He appears to be stable and up on a upwards trajectory, thank you very much gods. So far during this current round I'm not worrying that Little T is going to die. (knock on wood) But at other times Kasabach Merritt Syndrome and his infections have threatened his life. And I'm not even going to link back where I've blogged about it like I often do. It just drags me back down. And I'm also superstitious.

So I'm at the point where I can feel the book proposal is so close to being finished, but the work to get it done feels very daunting. I'm off to take a walk. It's partly to clear my head and partly for a good cause. I have a bunch of books that I want to try and sell at our local second-hand bookstore.