OB apt and the gods laugh

First of all, whoever spins the web of my life has a keen sense of irony, because my OB apt was bumped due to an emergency C-section. I should have had an emergency C-section with Little T. Instead he got stuck instead my birth canal and had to be turned which was excruciating and life-threatening for both of us.

I felt my cervix yesterday and it just felt horribly wrong. Instead of a nice slightly open C-shape, it's a droopy udder with weird bumpy bits. It was ripped to shreds when Little T got stuck there. Now blood gets stuck there when I have my period and it hurts like hell. I feel like my cervix will never hold together to have another kid. It can barely hold together towards the end of my cycle. I feel like my uterus is going to fall out. Not that I want another kid. We'd already decided on two before Little T was born. I put off going to the OB, because I thought I didn't want to go and be told that I was now infertile, and I had that choice taken away from me. Then I read a diary entry from Mary Anne and I realised that I wasn't going to make things better by hiding, so I finally made an apt.

And the good news is the gods had a good laugh, because at least on the ultrasound and on physical exam my uterus and cervix appear fine. There are no polyps, no masses. There are a few small cysts on my ovaries but those are pretty much par for the course for me. My CBC was normal, but the hormone work hadn't come back yet. I guess that could still be screwy. I talked with my OB frankly about my feelings and that something isn't right down there. Trauma about sums it up.

She suggested the patch for the heavy painful periods. It comes in a space-age pouch with a little dancer on it. It amuses me.

After going to the OB, I realised I actually didn't want to hear I could get pregnant again. One of my biggest fears is another accidental pregnancy. Now part of me says "well you didn't do badly with accidental pregnancy, which produced a healthy child Special K, whereas my charted and obssessed-over pregnancy produced Little T a medically fragile child. Even so another accidental pregnancy scares the beejezus out of me. Okay another pregnancy and baby does.

I still feel my wyrd is to have three kids. Maybe one of them won't be a bio-kid, but it doesn't really matter, because most of me thinks I'm insane to contemplate another child since Little T is about four children in himself. I really don't have a desire to have a third child. I just always thought I'd have three kids until Special K was born and I'm a case proof that birth control isn't 100% effective. Hence it's my wyrd.

So I'm relieved and confused, and I'm going to try the patch after my period. And I feel lucky to have choices.