Sadness

I've been feeling this sadness for the past couple days. I woke up last night with this sad weight on my chest. Maybe it's partly hormones. I'm having my period right now. Or the fact that I went on a hike last night. Part of it was going to my hs reunion and not talking about Little T at all. It was a conscious decision. It's not something that I want to share with people I'll prolly not see again for years. But perhaps the unsaid words pressed down on me.

Maybe it was that during the hike we shared memories of the past 3 years to celebrate Jenny's birthday. And unfortunately my most clear memories are of the past year and many of them are bittersweet. I should be saying it was a lovely party in which we hiked up a hill, watched the sunset and chatted. We got a bit lost on the way down and were back way after closing time, but the ranger waited around for us, and only ticketed one of our cars. And the party wasn't about me. And I did feel happy for Jenny, but the party also forcibly reminded me that the past year has been very difficult.

Maybe it's just that now I have the luxury of feeling sad. Little T's slowly getting better. We're starting to think about vacations now that we've managed a weekend away. I guess it's a pattern. I just can't feel sad when things are going badly, it detracts from what I need to do. So I feel sad later. I'm trying to remember that and just let myself feel sad instead of telling myself I should be writing or doing other useful things. And then I read back in my blog that the last time I felt really sad was July 1. I guess it's okay to feel sad, because Little T still doesn't eat and has some kind of swallowing problem, not to mention his non-functional arm. It's still a long road to get to healthy. Maybe we'll never get there. I never had a dream I'd have a normal child, but healthy yes. Doesn't every parent? I'll give myself a few days. Thanks for reading.